Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control!

  My Weird School Daze #1

  Mrs. Dole Is Out of Control!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by

  Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 The New PTA President

  2 Ryan’s Mom Is Weird

  3 The Good Old Days

  4 Everybody Loves Bonbons

  5 Getting Ready for the Big Day

  6 The Greatest Day of My Life

  7 Why Is There a Square on My Head?

  8 Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

  9 Mrs. Dole Goes Overboard

  10 Throwing Up

  11 Passing Out and Making Out

  12 The Perfect Baby Name

  About the Authors

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  The New PTA President

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  But you know what? Soon I won’t have to go to school anymore for a long time. You know why? Because today is the first day of June!

  Yay! June is the best month of the year because it’s when summer starts! Yippee! No school until September!

  Me and the guys were putting our backpacks into our cubbies. It was Michael who started singing the best song in the history of the world.

  “No more pencils!” sang Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “No more books!” sang Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “No more teachers’!” sang Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “Dirty looks!” I sang.

  That’s when Andrea came in. She is an annoying girl with curly brown hair who loves school. Andrea had on her mean face.

  “Hey Andrea!” I said. “What’s with the mean face? Are you mad because school is almost over?”

  “No, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “That’s not why I’m mad. Did you hear about the PTA election last night?”*

  “No.”

  “My mother was running for president,” Andrea said, “but she came in second. So she has to be vice president again.”

  “Big deal,” I told Andrea. “If the president gets assassinated, then your mom will become president.”

  “Nobody assassinates PTA presidents, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

  “They do too!” I told her.

  “Do not!”

  “Do too!”

  We went back and forth like that for a while. Sheesh, what a grouch! So what if her mom isn’t PTA president? Andrea should take a chill pill.

  I went to my seat, which is next to Ryan’s.

  “Where’s Mrs. Daisy?” Ryan asked.

  I looked around. Our teacher, Mrs. Daisy, was nowhere to be found. She usually gets to class early.

  Mrs. Daisy used to be called Miss Daisy, but then she got married. Ladies become Mrs. when they get married. Nobody knows why.

  Since Mrs. Daisy wasn’t around, I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at Andrea. It bounced off her head.

  “Arlo!” Andrea shouted. “Why did you do that?”

  “Does there have to be a reason?”

  Suddenly Mr. Klutz came running into the class. He’s the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. Most principals polish their shoes, but Mr. Klutz polishes his head.

  “Mrs. Daisy will be late today,” he said. “She has a doctor’s appointment.”

  “Is Mrs. Daisy sick?” asked Emily, who is Andrea’s crybaby friend. She looked all worried, like she does whenever anybody in the world is sick.

  “She’s fine,” said Mr. Klutz. “Actually, I’m glad Mrs. Daisy is late, because the new PTA president wants to speak to you in private. I’d like to introduce—”

  Mr. Klutz never had the chance to finish his sentence. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years who walked into the door.

  Nobody! Because if you walked into a door, it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.

  It was Ryan’s mom, Mrs. Dole!

  2

  Ryan’s Mom Is Weird

  Wow! Ryan’s mom is the new PTA president!

  “Congratulations, Mrs. Dole,” said Mr. Klutz. “I’m sure you’ll do a great job.”

  Mr. Klutz had to go to a meeting, so he left Ryan’s mom to watch us.*

  Mrs. Dole looked a lot like Ryan, except that she’s a lady—and old. When she walked into our class, Ryan hid under his desk. I couldn’t blame him. That’s what I would do if my mom walked into the class. Parents should never come into your class, unless it’s your birthday and they’re bringing cupcakes for everybody. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “Wow, the president of the PTA is important,” I whispered to Ryan. “That’s almost like being president of the United States.”

  Ryan slid farther under his desk.

  Andrea crossed her arms and said, “Humphf.” Whenever somebody crosses their arms and says “Humphf,” it means they’re mad. Nobody knows why.

  “Good morning!” said Mrs. Dole. “Are you kids excited about the end of school?”

  “Yes!” said all the boys.

  “No!” said all the girls.

  “Are you excited about moving up to third grade?” Mrs. Dole asked.

  “Yes!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  “I was thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice to give presents to Mrs. Daisy?” said Mrs. Dole. “She worked so hard for you all year. What would you like to give her?”

  “I’ll give her a skateboard,” I said.

  “That’s what you want, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

  “Try to think of something Mrs. Daisy would want,” Mrs. Dole said. “What does she like more than anything?”

  “Flowers?” suggested Neil the nude kid.

  “Shoes?” said Michael.

  Suddenly I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

  “Bonbons!” I shouted.

  “Yeah! Bonbons!” everybody agreed.

  Bonbons are yummy chocolate treats. Mrs. Daisy eats them all the time. (Well, not while she’s taking a shower. That would be weird.) She told us that she can eat a whole box of bonbons in one sitting.

  Everybody thought giving Mrs. Daisy bonbons was a great idea. Neil the nude kid said I should get the No Bell Prize. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.

  “Okay. Your homework is to buy a present for Mrs. Daisy and bring it to school tomorrow,” Mrs. Dole said. “Any questions?”

  “Are we going to get more homework in third grade?” asked Emily.

  “I’m not sure,” Mrs. Dole said. “Next year you’ll learn the multiplication tables, and you’re going to learn all about—”

  Mrs. Dole didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence, because that’s when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. She started crying!

  “You kids are growing up so fast,” Mrs. Dole blubbered. “I can hardly believe that my little baby Ryan is going to be a third grader. It seems like only yesterday he was in diapers.”

  Everybody looked at Ryan, who was still hiding under his desk.

  “You wore diapers yesterday?” I asked him.

  Mrs. Dole continued. “I remember when all my baby Ryan could say was ‘Goo-goo-ga-ga,’ and all he could do was pee. I had to wipe his little bottom for him. And now look at him.”

  Everybody looked at Ryan. Mrs. Dole grabbed a tissue from Mrs. Daisy’s desk and blew her nose into it. Into the tissue, that is. Blowing your nose into a desk would be weird.

  “I’m sorry. I get so emotional over my baby,”
she said, and she ran out the door.

  “Is she gone?” Ryan asked.

  “Yeah, you can come out from under your desk now,” Michael said.

  “Your mom is weird,” I told Ryan.

  “I know,” he replied. “She goes overboard a lot.”

  “She jumps out of boats?” I asked. “That’s really weird.”

  There were no grown-ups in the room, so I got up and shook my butt at the class. Some of the kids laughed. Then me and Michael and Neil teased Ryan for all that peeing he did when he was a baby.

  “That’s what all babies do, Arlo,” Andrea said.

  “Well, I’m never having a baby,” I told her.

  “You can’t have a baby, Arlo,” Andrea said. “You’re a boy!”

  Whew! That was a relief. If babies just pee all day, I wouldn’t want to have one anyway.

  We had to stop talking about peeing because guess who came into the room at that very second?

  It was Mrs. Daisy!

  3

  The Good Old Days

  Mrs. Daisy came in with our reading teacher, Mr. Macky. They were holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other. Ugh! Disgusting! Mr. Macky said he would meet her in the teachers’ lounge at lunchtime.*

  Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Macky haven’t been married very long. That’s why they’re so mushy with each other.

  Once they’ve been married for a few years, they’ll stop doing all that mushy stuff. My parents have been married for like a century, and they hardly ever do mushy stuff.

  “Are you sick, Mrs. Daisy?” asked Emily. “Mr. Klutz told us you went to the doctor.”

  “It was just a checkup,” she replied. “Let’s get to work. It’s time for our Word of the Day. Today’s word is ‘unique.’”

  “What does that mean?” asked Michael.

  “I have no idea,” said Mrs. Daisy, who doesn’t know anything. “Does anybody know what ‘unique’ means?”

  Andrea stuck her hand in the air, of course. Little Miss I-Know-Everything keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.

  But Mrs. Daisy called on me instead.

  “‘Unique’ means furniture that’s really old,” I said. “My mom has a unique table.”

  Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  “That’s ‘antique,’ dumbhead!” said Andrea. “‘Unique’ means something that’s one of a kind.”

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “I knew that,” I lied. “But a really old piece of furniture that’s one of a kind is unique. It’s a unique antique.”

  Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! In her face! No wonder I’m in the gifted and talented program.

  After we finished our Word of the Day, it was time for writing. I hate writing.

  “The school year is almost over,” Mrs. Daisy said, as she passed out pieces of paper. “Let’s write about our favorite memories of second grade.”

  Mrs. Daisy told us to close our eyes and remember some of the nice things that happened since September.

  “Remember the time Mrs. Roopy dressed up like Johnny Appleseed?” asked Andrea.

  “Yeah,” we all said. Mrs. Roopy is loopy.

  “Remember the time we went on a field trip and Mr. Docker ate a bug?” asked Ryan.

  “Yeah.” Mr. Docker is off his rocker.

  “Remember the time we drove that substitute teacher Ms. Todd crazy and she ran screaming into the parking lot?” Michael asked.

  “Yeah.” Ms. Todd is odd.

  I couldn’t decide if I should write about the time Mr. Klutz was hanging from the flagpole or the time Neil the nude kid’s ferret pooped on Emily’s head.

  “Remember the time we had a food fight in the vomitorium?” Neil asked.

  Yeah, that was great. I must admit, even though I hate school, we had some fun in second grade.

  “Those were the good old days,” I said. “Remember the time we had a sleepover in the natural history museum and a giant hissing cockroach crawled into Emily’s sleeping bag?”

  “That happened last week, Arlo!” Andrea said.

  “So did your face,” I told her.

  Mrs. Daisy said she had to go to the ladies’ room and that we should get started writing while she was gone. As soon as she left, I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at Andrea.

  “You are so immature, Arlo!” Andrea said. “Maybe you’ll get held back.”

  “Huh?” I asked. “What do you mean, ‘held back’?”

  “Didn’t you know?” Andrea said. “They take the bad kids and make them repeat the grade all over again. You’re a bad kid, so you might be held back.”

  What?! Could they really do that? If I had known they make kids repeat a grade, I wouldn’t have done so much bad stuff.

  4

  Everybody Loves Bonbons

  The next morning, we had to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly. Mr. Klutz got up onstage with Officer Spence, our school security guard. Officer Spence was wearing a fireman costume.

  “Today we’re going to learn about fire safety,” Mr. Klutz said. “Officer Spence is a trained firefighter.”

  “Fire is very dangerous, kids,” said Officer Spence. “Does anybody know what you should do if your clothes catch on fire?”

  I raised my hand, and Officer Spence pointed to me.

  “If your clothes catch on fire,” I said, “you should buy new clothes.”

  Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  “Before you buy new clothes,” said Officer Spence, “you should STOP, DROP, AND ROLL. Watch this.”

  Officer Spence did the most amazing thing in the history of the world. He poured some stuff on his fireman costume. Then he took a lighter out of his pocket and set himself on fire!

  Officer Spence’s fireman costume was full of flames!

  “STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!”

  We all started chanting. Officer Spence threw himself on the ground and covered his nose. Then he rolled all over the stage until the fire was out.

  Officer Spence makes no sense.

  He told us that we shouldn’t go home and set ourselves on fire. We learned all kinds of other stuff about preventing fires too. Like you shouldn’t ever set your brother or sister on fire.

  When we got back to class, Ryan’s mom was waiting for us. Ryan hid under his desk. Andrea’s mom was waiting for us too. Andrea sat up even straighter than usual (if that’s possible) and folded her hands so her mother would know how perfect she is.

  The two PTA moms told Mrs. Daisy that the class had a surprise for her. We all went to our cubbies to get our presents. Then we lined up and put them on Mrs. Daisy’s desk.

  “I got you a box of bonbons,” I told Mrs. Daisy.

  “Hey, I got her a box of bonbons too!” said Michael.

  “So did I!” said Emily.

  “Me too!” said Neil the nude kid.

  It turned out that just about everybody in class got Mrs. Daisy bonbons!

  That’s a lot of bonbons.

  “Thank you so much,” Mrs. Daisy said. “You know how much I love bonbons!”

  “Everybody loves bonbons,” said Emily.

  “Why don’t you open a box right now?” Michael suggested.

  “Oh, I really shouldn’t. I’m trying to eat healthier,” Mrs. Daisy said. “Well, maybe just one.”

  Andrea’s mom passed out bonbons to everyone. While we ate them, Mrs. Dole went to the front of the class.

  “Part of my job as PTA president is to plan your graduation,” she said. “You’re going to wear caps and gowns, and there will be a guest speaker and a big cake, and you’re going to get diplomas and—”

  “Is all that really necessary?” asked Andrea’s mom. “With all due respect, the children are just moving up to third grade.”*

  “Just moving up to third grade?” Mrs. Dole said. “This is an important milestone in the children
’s lives! Our babies are growing up so fast. Soon they’ll be off to middle school. Before we know it, they’ll be in high school. Then they’ll be going off to college and I won’t see my little boy anymore….”

  Mrs. Dole started sobbing. Ryan looked like he was gonna die. I thought his mom might tell more stories about Ryan peeing. But she just blew her nose in a tissue and blubbered something about how much we grew since we were in kindergarten.

  Andrea’s mom rolled her eyes. I don’t think she likes Ryan’s mom very much. But she can’t do anything about it because Ryan’s mom is the PTA president and she’s only the vice president.

  Finally, after a million hundred hours, the PTA moms left.

  “Is my mother gone?” Ryan asked.

  “Yeah,” I told him. “You can come back up now.”

  5

  Getting Ready for the Big Day

  It was the last week of school, so we hardly learned anything. That was fine with me, because learning stuff is boring. But it was hard to concentrate. I kept thinking how in a few days we would be off for the summer.

  Mrs. Daisy wasn’t concentrating either. She had a new hobby—knitting! She pretty much sat in the back of the room knitting while Ryan’s mom helped us get ready for graduation. Sometimes Andrea’s mom came in, too. But she spent most of the time rolling her eyes. Boy, she sure rolls her eyes a lot. Eye rolling must run in Andrea’s family.

  We had to do all kinds of stuff to get ready for graduation. Did you know that when you graduate, you have to wear a weird cap on your head that’s shaped like a square? Nobody knows why. Mrs. Dole asked our art teacher, Ms. Hannah, to help us make the caps out of construction paper and cardboard. Ms. Hannah also helped us make graduation banners and signs to decorate the hallway.