Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

  My Weird School #18

  Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 A Computer in My Head

  2 Say Good-bye to Sugar

  3 Emily Is a Giant Hamster

  4 Sharpening Pencils Can Be Dangerous

  5 Sugar Shock

  6 Computers Can’t Tell Jokes

  7 Busted!

  8 Virtual Reality Day

  9 The Truth About Mrs. Yonkers

  10 The Greatest Invention in the History of the World

  11 Send in the Clones

  12 One Way to Handle a Sub

  13 The Moral of the Story

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  A Computer in My Head

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  Do you know what would be cool? Instead of learning stuff in school, we should have computers built into our heads. There could be software for math, social studies, reading, and all that other stuff teachers say we need to know. You could just plug whatever software you need right into your head. Then we wouldn’t have to go to school anymore!*

  Think about it. If we had computers in our heads, we could spend more time doing stuff we want to do, like playing sports and video games and going to the movies and eating junk food. That would be cool. I would buy one of those computers in a minute. But I guess until somebody invents a computer you plug into your head, we’ll just have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!

  We had just finished circle time in Miss Daisy’s class when Mr. Klutz came into the room. He’s the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean none. Hats must slide off his head because there’s nothing to hold them on.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr. Klutz?” asked Miss Daisy. (That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”)

  “I wanted to try out a new joke,” Mr. Klutz said.

  Oh no! Mr. Klutz tells the worst jokes in the history of the world.**

  “Where’s the best place to keep a remote control?” he asked.

  “Where?” we all shouted.

  “In a remote location!” he said. “Get it? Remote? Location?”

  Mr. Klutz bent over laughing and slapped his knee even though his joke was totally lame. We all laughed anyway. You should always laugh at the principal’s jokes, no matter how lame they are. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “But seriously,” Mr. Klutz said, putting on his serious face so we knew it was time to get serious, “I need to talk to you about something. Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, wants us to bring Ella Mentry School into the 21st century.”

  “Cool!” I shouted. “We’re gonna travel through time!”***

  “This is the 21st century, Arlo,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.

  “I knew that,” I said, even though I really didn’t. Only a smarty-pants-know-it-all like Andrea would know what number century it is. What is her problem? Who counts centuries?

  “How are we going to bring our school into the 21st century, Mr. Klutz?” asked Andrea’s crybaby friend Emily, who is allergic to ferrets.

  “We’re going to spiff up the place,” he replied. “We’re getting some new equipment, a security guard, a computer lab, and a computer teacher, too. In fact, she’s right outside. Would you like to meet Mrs. Yonkers?”

  “Yeah!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  Mr. Klutz went into the hallway and came back with some lady. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years what she had on her head.

  I’m not gonna tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  2

  Say Good-bye to Sugar

  Mrs. Yonkers was really weird looking. She was wearing a polka dot skirt and one of those big foam fake cheese things on her head.

  “Howdy, y’all!” she said.

  She must be from Texas. People from Texas say “Y’all” and “Yee-ha” all the time on TV. Nobody knows why.

  “In my younger days,” Mr. Klutz told us, “I used to work with computers. But Mrs. Yonkers is a computer expert. What are the children going to learn in computer class, Mrs. Yonkers?”

  “Well,” she said, clapping her hands together, “we’re going to make our own websites, create computer art and computer music, and play virtual reality games. I’ll show you some of my own inventions, too. I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head!”

  “Doesn’t that sound like fun?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “Yeah!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  Actually it did sound like fun. I just like saying no when grown-ups try to get me to say yes.

  “Too bad there isn’t a computer program that makes up jokes,” Mr. Klutz said. “I could use one of them.”

  “I’ll work on that,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “This afternoon I’ll be seeing you kids in the new computer lab. But does anybody have any questions before I leave?”

  “Why are you wearing a fake piece of cheese on your head?” asked my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “Isn’t it funky?” asked Mrs. Yonkers. “I bought it on eBay for twelve cents. Plus ten dollars for shipping. Any other questions?”

  “Are you a nerd?” asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “That’s not very nice, Michael,” said Miss Daisy.

  But Mrs. Yonkers didn’t mind. She pulled up her sweater and showed us a T-shirt she had on underneath. It said NERDS R COOL.

  “Say it loud!” she shouted. “I’m a nerd and I’m proud!”

  Mrs. Yonkers is weird.

  A few minutes later, Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Yonkers left. Guess who walked in the door next? Nobody, because if you walked in a door it would hurt. But guess who walked in the doorway?

  It was Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse! She has eyes that look like cotton candy, and she is beautiful. She wanted to marry me a while back, but I told her I wouldn’t because she’s already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mrs. Cooney?” asked Miss Daisy.

  “Mr. Klutz asked me to help bring our school into the 21st century,” Mrs. Cooney said.

  “How are you going to do that?” asked Miss Daisy.

  “Well, a big problem these days is that too many kids are obese,” said Mrs. Cooney.

  “Too many kids are beasts?” I asked. I was thinking about beasts because I just saw this cool movie called King Kong.

  “‘Obese’ is ‘fat,’ Arlo,” said Andrea.

  “So is your face,” I told her.

  Andrea probably looked up “obese” in her dictionary. She keeps one on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. I hate her.

  Mrs. Cooney told us that kids need to eat more vegetables and other stuff that doesn’t taste good.

  “Candy and sweets rot your teeth and dull your mind,” said Mrs. Cooney. “Did you know that a can of soda pop contains about nine teaspoons of sugar? They call it junk food for a reason.”

  “What’s the reason?” I asked.

  “Because it’s junk!” she said.

  Oh. I thought it was a trick question.

  “How are we going to get our students to drink less soda pop and eat less junk food?” asked Miss Daisy.

  “I’m glad you asked,” sai
d Mrs. Cooney. She held up a poster that said SAY GOOD-BYE TO SUGAR on it. “Starting tomorrow, soda pop and junk food will no longer be allowed inside Ella Mentry School.”

  WHAT??????????????????????????????

  Did I hear that right? No more soda pop? No more candy?

  Suddenly everybody was talking and whispering to one another.

  “They’ve gotta be kidding!” said Michael. “I’ll die without junk food.”

  “Life will be horrible,” said Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “This is gonna be worse than National Poetry Month!” said Ryan.

  “This is gonna be worse than TV Turnoff Week!” I said.

  “You boys are silly,” said Andrea. “I think ‘Say Good-bye to Sugar’ is a great idea. I like healthy food. My favorite foods are herb-roasted chicken, fresh fruit, and baked soy chips.”****

  “Could you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.

  “You’ll feel a lot better once you start eating less junk food,” Mrs. Cooney told us.

  “How about we give up vegetables instead?” I suggested.

  “Arlo, you probably never even tasted a vegetable,” said Andrea.

  “I did too,” I told her. “I tasted one once. Then I spit it out.”

  My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you eat too many vegetables, you get a disease called vegetitus. So I stay away from that stuff. Besides, green is a weird color. It’s the same color as boogers. You shouldn’t eat stuff that’s green. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  I was so depressed about ‘Say Good-bye to Sugar’ that I could hardly pay attention during social studies, math, reading, and science. I wasn’t even excited when Miss Daisy announced that it was time to go to the computer lab to see Mrs. Yonkers. All I could think about was soda pop and junk food.

  We had to walk a million hundred miles to the computer lab. It’s in a trailer in the back of the parking lot, near the woods.

  We walked up the ramp to the trailer.

  We opened the door.

  And you’ll never believe what we saw in there.

  3

  Emily Is a Giant Hamster

  There were a bunch of computers in the computer lab, of course! What did you expect to see in a computer lab? Man, are you dumb!

  But there was something else in the computer lab, too. It was a wheel, like one of those wheels you see in a hamster cage. Except this one was six feet tall!

  “Howdy, y’all!” Mrs. Yonkers said when we opened the door. She wasn’t wearing her cheese head anymore. Instead, she was dressed in a jogging outfit and she had on a cowboy hat.

  “Wow!” I said. “That’s a big wheel!”

  “Everything is bigger in Texas,” said Mrs. Yonkers.

  “What does it do?” asked Emily.

  “It generates electricity. When I run inside the wheel, it powers the computer.”

  “Why not just plug the computer into the wall socket?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “This saves energy,” Mrs. Yonkers explained. “You burn less oil, and you have lower electric bills. Plus, I get exercise. It’s a win-win!”

  “It’s cool!” we all agreed.

  Mrs. Yonkers told us that she likes to use technology to solve problems. She even started her own computer company called NERD—New Electronic Research Development.

  Mrs. Yonkers showed us a virtual reality helmet, night vision goggles, and some other cool stuff she invented.

  “And here is a founding member of the company,” she said as she pulled a big turtle out of a cage. “This is my friend Speedy.”

  “He’s adorable!” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

  “What’s that thing on his back?” asked Ryan.

  “It’s a tiny camera,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “I call it Turtle Cam. While Speedy moves around the room, we’ll be able to follow his progress on my website.”

  “Can we see how it works?” asked Michael.

  “I’m still ironing out the bugs,” said Mrs. Yonkers.

  “Please? Please? Please? Please?” everybody begged.

  If you want anything from a grown-up, all you have to do is say “Please” until they can’t stand it anymore. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “Well…okay,” Mrs. Yonkers said, putting Speedy on the floor. “Who wants to run on the wheel to turn on the computer?”

  “Me! Me! Me! Me!” everybody yelled.

  Mrs. Yonkers did eenie meenie miney moe. The last moe was Emily, the lucky stiff.

  Emily climbed inside the wheel and started running. The wheel turned around, but the computer didn’t turn on because Emily runs about as fast as Speedy the turtle.

  “Faster, Emily! Faster!” we all yelled.

  The computer screen started to flicker on when Emily ran faster. Speedy was walking around the room, and we could see a picture of what he was looking at. Turtle Cam was cool.

  “Faster!” we all yelled. “Faster!”

  Emily was running as hard as she could. The wheel was spinning really fast now and making a lot of noise. Speedy walked around to the front of the wheel. And that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  The nuts and bolts that were holding the wheel to its frame must have gotten loose somehow. The wheel started rolling away!

  It was heading for the wall!

  Emily was still inside, and she was upside down!

  “Watch out!” we all yelled.

  Speedy barely got out of the way before the wheel crashed into the wall. We all rushed over there. Emily staggered out of the wheel, all dizzy, and fell down. She was on the floor, freaking out. It was hilarious.

  “What happened?” Andrea asked Mrs. Yonkers.

  “I guess the computer crashed,” she replied.

  Emily was shaken up pretty good, but it looked like she was going to be okay.

  “Hey, where’s Speedy?” asked Ryan.

  We looked all around the computer lab. No Speedy.

  “He’s gone!” cried Mrs. Yonkers.

  4

  Sharpening Pencils Can Be Dangerous

  Mrs. Yonkers wasn’t too worried about Speedy the turtle. She said he runs away all the time. But thanks to Turtle Cam, she can usually find him. She turned on another computer, one that was plugged into the wall socket this time.

  “There he is!” we shouted when Mrs. Yonkers clicked on Turtle Cam.

  “How did that rascal get outside?” she said. We all watched the screen closely. Speedy was heading toward some cars in the parking lot.

  “Maybe he climbed out the window,” Neil the nude kid guessed.

  We saw some bushes on the computer screen, and then the screen got darker. All we could see were leaves and sticks.

  “Speedy went into the woods!” I said.

  “He’ll be lost forever!” said Michael.

  “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily, and she went running out of the room.

  Emily is weird.

  “Don’t worry,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “I’m sure Speedy will come back. In the meantime, would you like to see my latest top secret invention?”

  “Yeah!” we all shouted.

  Mrs. Yonkers took a small box out of her desk drawer.

  “Is that a remote control?” I asked.

  “Yes!” she said. “I’m a remote control freak! At home I use a remote control to open my garage, turn on the TV and microwave, and even start my car. But this remote control is different. It’s a remote control remote control!”

  “What’s a remote control remote control?” asked Ryan.

  “It’s a remote control you use when you don’t feel like getting off the couch to pick up your regular remote control,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “You just press a button on the remote control remote control, and then you can control your remote control.”

  “That’s cool!” we all agreed. Mrs. Yonkers is a genius. She should get the No Bell Pri
ze. That’s a prize they give to people who don’t have bells.

  “You should invent a remote control remote control remote control,” suggested Michael.

  “That would be silly,” Mrs. Yonkers said. She took another box out of her desk drawer. “But check this out. It’s the world’s first remote control pencil sharpener!”

  “Wow!” we all said.

  “How does it work?” I asked.

  “You put your pencil in this little hole, and you can go as far as fifty feet away to turn it on,” Mrs. Yonkers said. “Then you go back and get your pencil—all sharpened and ready to use.”

  “That’s cool!” I said.

  “Why would anybody want to do that?” asked Andrea. “Isn’t it easier just to stay right there at the pencil sharpener?”

  “It’s cooler to sharpen pencils by remote control,” I told Andrea. Doing anything by remote control is cool, if you ask me.

  “Also, this is the first pencil sharpener that gives you a workout,” Mrs. Yonkers explained. “I like to jog around the room while my pencil is being sharpened. It’s a win-win!”

  “Can we try it out?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “Well, I’m still ironing out the bugs,” Mrs. Yonkers said.

  “Please? Please? Please? Please?”

  “Well…okay.”

  Mrs. Yonkers stuck a pencil into the sharpener. Then she picked up her remote control and led us over to the other end of the computer lab.

  “Now watch this,” she said, and she pushed a button on the remote. The pencil sharpener started making noises. We all clapped our hands. And then…

  BAM!

  There was a huge explosion! Pieces of pencil and pencil sharpener went flying all over the computer lab!

  “Duck!” I shouted.