Mrs. Lilly Is Silly!

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1. Career Day

  2. Mrs. Lilly Has to Go

  3. How to Grab Somebody’s Eyeballs

  4. Digging Up Dirt

  5. Ms. LaGrange Is Strange

  6. The Truth About Mr. Docker

  7. Andrea Goes Crazy

  8. Front-Page News

  9. The Scoop of the Century!

  10. Stop the Presses!

  11. Freedom of the Press

  12. Lies! All Lies!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Other Works

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  My name is A.J. and I hate spiders. Aren’t spiders gross? Yesterday I was in my backyard, and one of those disgusting things crawled up my leg. I thought I was gonna die!

  Something else really weird happened yesterday. It was Friday. I walked into Mr. Granite’s class at school, and there were three grown-ups sitting on chairs in front of the whiteboard: a fireman, a cowboy, and a frogman.

  “Who are they?” whispered my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “Those guys must have escaped from the loony bin,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  We were all talking, until Mr. Granite held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.” Some other grown-ups came in and sat in front of the whiteboard.

  “Good morning, everyone,” said Mr. Granite. “Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, decided that today would be Career Day at Ella Mentry School. So I invited a few of my friends to come in and tell you about their jobs. Maybe this will help you decide what you want to be when you grow up.”

  “I already know what I’m going to be,” I said. “A pro skateboarder.”

  “Me too,” said Alexia, who is a girl but is cool anyway.

  “I want to be a veterinarian,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair that I hate.

  “You want to grow up and not eat meat?” I asked.

  “That’s a vegetarian, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. Why can’t a truck full of vegetarians fall on Andrea’s head?

  The frogman stood up first. He had a mask on his face and flippers on his feet.

  “I’m a scuba diver,” he told us. “I feed the fish at the aquarium blah blah blah.”

  He told us all about how he feeds the fish. Then the cowboy stood up.

  “I milk the cows and groom the horses and blah blah blah,” he said. He told us what it was like to work on a ranch. Then some other guy stood up.

  “I’m an exterminator,” he said. “My job is to kill bugs and blah blah blah.”

  Grown-ups sure have weird jobs!

  “Our next guest is a special surprise,” Mr. Granite told us. “Please welcome … professional skateboarder Tony Eagle!”

  Wow! Tony Eagle is famous! He’s been on TV. Me and the guys and Alexia started clapping and shouting.

  Tony Eagle came rolling into the room. But he didn’t come rolling in on a skateboard. He came rolling in on a wheelchair!

  “What happened to you?” I asked.

  “I broke every bone in my body,” Tony told us.

  “You must have been working on a really awesome new trick, huh?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “No.”

  “Were you trying to jump over a car?” I asked. “That is cool!”

  “No.”

  “What happened?” asked Ryan.

  “I … uh … ran into a door,” said Tony Eagle.

  Ouch! Running into doors hurts. Maybe I don’t want to be a pro skateboarder after all.

  A bunch of other grown-ups told us about their jobs. A lawyer told us that he argues with people all day. A nurse told us that she has to clean up blood and guts and puke at a hospital. The fireman told us that one time a burning building collapsed while he was in it.

  And I thought going to school was no fun! After Career Day, I’m not sure I want to grow up to be a grown-up at all. I think I’ll just stay a kid for the rest of my life.

  When they were all done, the grown-ups started to leave. But you’ll never believe who ran into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! If you ran into a door, you could end up in a wheelchair like Tony Eagle.

  But you’ll never believe who ran into the doorway.

  I’m not gonna tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you! But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  It was a lady who came running into our classroom. She was wearing an old-time man’s hat and a trench coat.* There was a camera around her neck and a notepad in her hand. She was all out of breath.

  “Is Career Day over?” she asked.

  “Mrs. Lilly!” said Mr. Granite.

  I recognized Mrs. Lilly. She’s a reporter for our local paper, the News Tribune Bulletin Inquirer. She wrote an article about our school when a squirrel ate through the power lines and all the lights went out. They put my picture in the paper and everything. My mom put it up on the refrigerator.

  “Sorry I’m late,” Mrs. Lilly said. “I had to write a big story about a tree.”

  “Why did you write about a tree?” asked Andrea.

  “Yeah, why did you write about a tree?” asked Emily, who always does whatever Andrea does.

  “It fell down,” said Mrs. Lilly.

  “So what?” asked Ryan. “Don’t trees fall down all the time?”

  “Well, this tree landed on a house.”

  “Was anybody hurt?” asked Emily, all worried.

  “No.”

  “Then why was it a big story?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “The tree fell on Mayor Hubble’s house,” Mrs. Lilly told us.

  “Oh, and that’s a big story?” asked Alexia.

  “Well, it landed on the mayor’s bathroom,” Mrs. Lilly said, “and the mayor was in the bathroom at the time. You see, a tree falling down is boring. And a tree falling down on the mayor’s house is still pretty boring. But a tree falling down on the mayor’s bathroom while he’s on the toilet is a great human interest story. That’s what I look for: human interest stories.”

  “What happened to Mayor Hubble?” asked Emily, all concerned.

  “He had to go,” said Mrs. Lilly.

  “Of course he had to go,” I said. “That’s why he was in the bathroom.”

  “No,” said Mrs. Lilly. “I mean, after he went, he had to go.”

  “How can you go right after you went?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  We went back and forth like that for a while until Mr. Granite interrupted.

  “I’m terribly sorry,” he said. “This is all very interesting, but we have to do our math lesson now.”

  Ugh. I hate math.

  “That’s too bad,” said Mrs. Lilly. “I wanted to show the kids how we make the newspaper.”

  “Oh, that would be neat!” said Andrea. “Don’t you want to learn how they make the newspaper?”

  “Yes!” said all the girls except for Alexia.

  “No!” said all the boys and Alexia.

  “Maybe you can come back another time to show the class how to make a newspaper,” suggested Mr. Granite.

  “I have a better idea,” said Mrs. Lilly. “When I come back, the kids and I can make a real newspaper together!”

  “That’s a wonderful idea!” said Mr. Granite. “Would you kids like to make a real newspaper with Mrs. Lilly?”

  “Yes!” yelled all the girls except for Alexia.

  “No!” yelled all the boys and Alexia.

&
nbsp; “I can see the headline now,” said Mrs. lilly. “ ‘KIDS MAKE NEWSPAPER!’ I love it! But for now, I’ve got to go.”

  “Do you have to go, or do you have to go?” I asked.

  “I have to go,” she replied, “and it’s an emergency!”

  I still didn’t know if Mrs. Lilly had to go, or if she had to go. In any case, she went running out of the room.

  Mrs. Lilly is silly.

  “Okay,” Mr. Granite said after Mrs. Lilly was gone, “turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  We all took out our math books and turned to page twenty-three. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway a few minutes later.

  It was Mrs. Lilly again!

  “Mrs. Lilly! I thought you said you had to go,” said Mr. Granite. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company now?”

  (That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”)

  “I did have to go,” Mrs. Lilly replied. “And I went. Now I’m back.”

  “I’m glad a tree didn’t fall on you,” I told her.

  “But I thought you were going to come back another day,” said Mr. Granite. “We’re starting our math lesson now.”

  “Math, eh?” Mrs. Lilly said. “Well, if we print up a newspaper with ten pages in it and there are five articles on each page, how many articles can we fit into the newspaper?”

  Some kids raised their hands. Mrs. Lilly called on Little Miss I-Know-Everything, of course.

  “Fifty!” said Andrea. “Because five tens make fifty.”

  “Correct!” said Mrs. Lilly. “See, we just did a math lesson. Now let’s write some of those articles for our newspaper.”

  “Yay!” we all shouted.

  “I give up,” said Mr. Granite. “If you need me, I’ll be in the teachers’ lounge.”

  He went to the teachers’ lounge, which is a secret room where the teachers go to have hot tub parties.

  Mrs. Lilly took off her trench coat, and we all gathered around her on the floor.

  “What should we write about?” asked Emily.

  “Write about what you know,” said Mrs. Lilly. “You know a lot about your school. How about we make a school newspaper? We can call it… The Ella Mentry Sentry. You can all write articles for it.”

  “Yay!” everybody yelled.

  Little Miss Annoying was all excited, and she was waving her hand around like it was on fire.

  “I already wrote something at home,” Andrea announced, pulling some papers out of her desk. “Maybe we can use it in our newspaper.”

  Ugh. Could she possibly be more boring? Only Andrea would write an article for a newspaper before she even knew we were going to make a newspaper. She held up her dumb article so we could all see it. The first page said:

  I LOVE ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL

  By Brenda Myers

  “Who’s Brenda Myers?” asked Alexia.

  “That’s my pen name,” said Andrea.

  “You name your pens?” I said. “That’s weird.”

  Andrea rolled her eyes and then she read her article out loud. It was all about how our school was built in 1961, and it was named after a teacher named Ella Mentry. Then it went on to talk about a bunch of other really boring stuff, like the history of the school. I thought I was gonna die from boredom.

  When the torture was over, Andrea looked up at Mrs. Lilly and waited for her to say how wonderful that dumb article was. What a brownnoser! But that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  Mrs. Lilly dropped Andrea’s article into the garbage can!

  “That was terrible,” she said.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  Well, Andrea looked like she was going to explode! I don’t think a grown-up ever said anything like that to her. Ha-ha! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea! In her face! It was the greatest moment of my life.

  “The Ella Mentry Sentry needs to reach out and grab the reader’s eyeballs,” Mrs. Lilly told us.

  “Ouch!” I said. “I don’t want anybody touching my eyeballs.”

  “What I mean is that newspapers have to compete with the internet, TV, and video games,” Mrs. Lilly told us. “Our paper needs to have exciting stories.”

  “I thought your article was wonderful, Andrea,” whispered Emily, who loves everything Andrea does.

  “But our school is really boring,” said Michael. “I don’t think we can make an exciting newspaper that will grab people’s eyeballs.”

  “Nothing interesting ever happens here,” said Ryan.

  “Yeah,” said Neil the nude kid, “this school is boring. We don’t have any good stories to tell.”

  “Sure you do!” Mrs. Lilly said. “You’ve just got to dig for them.”

  At that moment Mr. Klutz came into the classroom. He’s our principal, and he has no hair at all. I mean none. His head looks like a lightbulb.*

  “We’re making a newspaper all about the school,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Can we interview you, Mr. Klutz?”

  “Certainly!” he replied. “A school newspaper is a great idea. What would you like to know about me?”

  I thought Mrs. Lilly was going to ask Mr. Klutz what it was like to be a principal and boring stuff like that. But she didn’t.

  “Tell us, Mr. Klutz,” said Mrs. Lilly, “when did you lose your hair?”

  Everybody gasped. Nobody had ever asked Mr. Klutz about his hair before.

  “That’s personal!” said Andrea. “We shouldn’t ask people questions like that.”

  “Oh, I don’t mind,” Mr. Klutz said. “Let’s see… I remember my wedding pictures. I had a full head of hair when I first got married. My hair started falling out around the time my wife and I got divorced. And by the time I got married again, I was totally bald.”

  Mr. Klutz told us some more stuff about the good old days when he had hair and then he said he had to go.

  “Do you have to go,” I asked, “or do you have to go?”

  “I have to go,” he said.

  Mr. Klutz left, and Mrs. Lilly went over to the whiteboard.

  “So we’re going to write an article about Mr. Klutz’s hair?” asked Alexia.

  “No, I have another idea,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Let me show you how I would handle this interview. It’s a great human interest story. I can see the headline now…”

  And then she wrote this on the whiteboard, with big letters…

  MR. KLUTZ HAS TWO WIVES!

  “Mr. Klutz has two wives?” asked Ryan.

  “Sure!” Mrs. Lilly said. “He had one wife and then he got divorced and married somebody else. That’s two wives.”

  “But he didn’t have two wives at the same time,” Andrea pointed out.

  “I never said he did,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Now, what about the other grown-ups at Ella Mentry School? We need to dig up some dirt.”

  “You should go out to the playground,” I suggested. “There’s plenty of dirt there.”

  “Not that kind of dirt!” said Mrs. Lilly. “We need some hot stories that will grab people’s eyeballs. Alexia and Emily, I want you to work as a team. Go sneak into the teachers’ lounge. See what really goes on in there.”

  “Right, Chief!” said Emily.

  “Ryan and Michael, you’re a team, too,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Go through all the garbage cans in the school. Find out if any teachers throw away anything interesting.”

  “We’re on it!” said Michael.

  “Neil,” said Mrs. Lilly. “I want you to put a tail on Mr. Macky, the reading specialist.”

  “Why?” asked Neil. “People don’t have tails.”

  “Not that kind of a tail!” Mrs. Lilly said. “I want you to follow Mr. Macky around. See where he goes. See who he talks to. Then report back to us.”

  “Got it, Chief!” said Neil.

  “A.J. and Andrea, you’re a team,” said Mrs. Lilly.

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are a team. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gon
na get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  “I want you to interview as many teachers as you can,” Mrs. Lilly told Andrea and me. “Bring back some scoops.”

  “Why do you need scoops?” I asked. “Did your dog go to the bathroom?”

  “Not those kind of scoops!” Mrs. Lilly shouted.

  “Scoops are stories, Arlo,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

  “I knew that,” I lied.

  “Dig up some secrets,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Get some information nobody else knows. You all have one hour. After that, report back here, and we’ll put The Ella Mentry Sentry together on the computer. I can’t wait to see how you make out.”

  “Ewwwwwwwww, disgusting!” we all shouted. “Mrs. Lilly said ‘make out’!”

  “What if we don’t find any secrets?” Michael asked.

  “Everybody has secrets,” Mrs. Lilly said. “Go out there and find them. Ask the teachers to tell you something about themselves that nobody knows. And make sure to get your facts right. That’s very important.”

  “But—”

  “No buts! Go! Go! Go!”

  We all giggled because Mrs. Lilly said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” except that it only has one t. But “butt” is a lot funnier than “but.” Nobody knows why.

  Andrea grabbed her notebook and a pencil. Then we went slinking down the hallway like secret agents. It was cool.

  “Isn’t this exciting, Arlo?” said Andrea. “We’re like real investigative reporters. I hope we get some good interviews!”

  “I have an idea,” I said. “We should sneak out of school and go home. Then I could play video games for the rest of the day. Nobody would ever know we were gone.”

  “Shhhhhhhh!” Andrea said. “I think I hear somebody. Hold my hand.”

  “I’m not holding hands with you,” I told her. “Reporters don’t hold hands.”

  “They do if they’re in love,” she replied.

  Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna throw up.

  We snuck around the corner, where I spotted an open door.