Miss Newman Isn't Human!
Dedication
To Alison Gust
Contents
Dedication
1. Indoor Recess
2. Sprinkles and Luke Warm
3. That’s Gotta Hurt
4. Stop Reading This Book!
5. Atta Girl!
6. The D Word
7. A Special Prize
8. Numbers
9. Okay, So I Lied
10. The L Word
11. Pigs in Blankets
About the Author and Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate rain.
Rain is horrible. You can’t ride your bike in the rain. You can’t play outside. Everything gets soaked. Your sneakers get squishy. You have to wear a dorky raincoat to school.
And then there’s the most horrible thing about rain . . .
INDOOR RECESS.
Ugh! Indoor recess was the worst invention in the history of the world.*
“I hate rain,” I said on Friday morning as I hung up my dorky raincoat in the cloakroom.
“Me too,” said my friends Ryan and Michael.
“Me three,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.
“Me four,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“But rain is a good thing, Arlo,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “If we didn’t have rain, we wouldn’t have water to drink.”
“I hate drinking water,” I told Andrea.
“If we didn’t have rain, we wouldn’t have water to fill our bathtubs,” Andrea said.
“I hate taking baths.”
“The flowers wouldn’t grow,” Andrea said.
“I hate flowers.”
Andrea rolled her eyes.
Her crybaby friend Emily hung up her dorky raincoat next to mine. She was carrying a big plate covered with plastic wrap.
“If we didn’t have rain,” she said, “we wouldn’t have brownies!”
BROWNIES?!
“I made them with my mom,” Emily said. “One of the ingredients is water.”
Hmmm. I may have to rethink my position on rain.
That’s when our teacher, Mr. Cooper, came flying into the room. And I do mean flying. Mr. Cooper thinks he’s a superhero. But he’s not a very good one. He tripped on an electrical cord and almost knocked over Emily’s plate of brownies.
“Good morning!” Mr. Cooper said. “We’re going to have a super day!”
“What’s your superpower for today, Mr. Cooper?” asked Ryan.
“You’ve heard of supervision and superhearing,” he said. “Well, I have supertaste.”
Supertaste? I never heard of supertaste.
“Prove that you have supertaste,” said Neil.
Mr. Cooper took the plastic wrap off Emily’s plate. Then he put a whole brownie in his mouth.
“Mmmm,” he said. “This tastes super!”
Mr. Cooper is weird.
Suddenly the voice of our principal, Mr. Klutz, came over the loudspeaker.
“Good morning, Ella Mentry students,” Mr. Klutz announced. “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that it has stopped raining.”
“Yay!” everybody shouted.
“The bad news is, another storm is predicted for this afternoon. So today we will have indoor recess.”
Noooooooooo!
Not indoor recess! Anything but indoor recess!
I’d rather be chased by wild raccoons than have indoor recess. I’d rather jump off Mount Everest than have indoor recess. I’d rather eat a bowl of broccoli than have indoor recess. This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week.
“That means we can’t play football in the playground,” complained Michael.
“No fair!” said Neil.
“I love indoor recess,” said Andrea, who loves everything I hate. “We can play board games!”
“Board games are fun!” said Emily, who loves everything Andrea loves.
“You mean bored games,” I said, “because board games are bor-ring.”
Mr. Klutz wasn’t finished with his announcement.
“I have more good news, students,” he said. “Before the storm arrives this afternoon, I’d like you all to join me on the playground. I have a special surprise.”
“Ooooh, I love surprises!” said Andrea and Emily, clapping their hands like it was their birthday.
“Okay,” shouted Mr. Cooper, “everybody pringle up!”
We all lined up in single file (like Pringles!) and walked a million hundred miles to the playground.
And you’ll never believe what happened there.
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay! I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
It wasn’t raining, but the clouds were dark. It looked like a storm was coming. The whole school was out on the playground.
Well, actually it was just the kids and teachers who were out on the playground. It would be weird if the school was on the playground.
Mr. Klutz was waiting for us. He has no hair at all. Men lose the hair on their head when they get old, and then it starts growing out of their nose and ears instead. Nobody knows why.
“What’s up, Mr. Klutz?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you what’s up,” he replied. He pointed at the sky.
We all looked up. And you’ll never believe what we saw.
It was a gigantic hot-air balloon! It was floating down, with a basket under it. On the side of the balloon were the words “CHANNEL 4 WEATHER.” It looked like somebody was in the basket.
“Who’s that?” Michael asked.
“It looks like Sprinkles Newman, that meteorologist on TV!” shouted Ryan.
“She studies meteors?” I asked. “That’s weird.”
Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
“No, dumbhead,” Ryan said. “She’s the weather lady.”
Oh, yeah. My parents watch Sprinkles Newman on Channel 4 every morning before work. She’s always talking about the weather. I leave the room when Sprinkles Newman comes on. What a snoozefest. Why do grown-ups care so much about weather? It’s just weather.
The balloon was hovering over our heads. Everybody got out of the way so there would be room for it to land. Sprinkles Newman was waving at us.
“Remember when Miss Tracy came to our school and talked about the stars and planets?” Mr. Klutz asked. “Well, that gave me the idea to have Miss Newman come and talk about weather. Wasn’t that a great idea?”
“Yes!” shouted all the girls.
“No!” shouted all the boys.
The balloon touched down. Before Miss Newman could climb out of the basket, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. A Channel 4 news van came roaring down the street and screeched to a stop at the edge of the playground. A bunch of people jumped out and rushed over to the balloon. One of them started fussing with Miss Newman’s hair. Somebody else put makeup on her face. One guy set up lights. Another guy had a video camera.
Finally Miss Newman stepped out of the balloon basket. Everybody clapped and cheered.
A tall guy jumped out of the van and ran over. He was carrying a bunch of big pieces of cardboard. The card on the top of the pile had these words written on it: HI EVERYBODY!
“Hi everybody!” said Miss Newman.
“Hi!” we all shouted.
The tall guy dropped the first piece of cardboard and held up the one underneath it. It said: THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR SCHOOL.
“Tha
nks for inviting me to your school,” said Miss Newman.
The guy dropped that card and held up the next one. It said: IT’S GREAT TO BE HERE!
“It’s great to be here!” Miss Newman said cheerfully.
He held up another card: I LOVE VISITING SCHOOLS AND TALKING WITH KIDS.
“I love visiting schools and talking with kids,” said Miss Newman.
He held up another card: I’M SURE WE’LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY!
“I’m sure we’ll have a great time today!” said Miss Newman.
The guy kept dropping each card and holding up the next one for Miss Newman to read.
“Who’s that guy?” I asked.
He held up another card: THAT GUY IS MY CUE CARD MAN. HIS NAME IS LUKE. LUKE WARM.
“That guy is my cue card man,” said Miss Newman. “His name is Luke. Luke Warm.”
How did Luke Warm know I was going to ask who he was? That guy is weird.
“Welcome to Ella Mentry School,” said Mr. Klutz as he shook Miss Newman’s hand. “We’re glad to have you here blah blah blah learn about weather blah blah blah enjoy your visit blah blah blah . . .”
He went on like that for a while.
The cue card guy, Luke Warm, held up a card. It said: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
“Thank you very much,” Miss Newman said.
Luke Warm held up another card: I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOUR SCHOOL.
“I can’t wait to see your school,” said Miss Newman.
“Does Luke Warm have a card for everything you say?” asked Alexia.
Luke Warm held up another card. It said: YES, LUKE HAS A CARD FOR EVERYTHING I SAY.
“Yes,” said Miss Newman, “Luke has a card for everything I say.”
“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
Luke Warm must be really smart to know what people are about to ask. And Miss Newman must be really dumb if she has to read everything off cards.
Our reading specialist, Mr. Macky, stepped forward.
“This shows how reading is such an important skill for kids to learn,” he said. “No matter what job you have when you grow up, you will probably have to do a lot of reading.”
Luke Warm held up another card: OH YES, READING IS VERY IMPORTANT. I LOVE TO READ.
“Oh yes,” said Miss Newman. “Reading is very important. I love to read.”
Luke Warm was about to hold up another card, but that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. And we got to see it live and in person.
Suddenly there was a rumbling sound.
The sky got darker.
And then a bright white bolt of lightning came shooting out of the sky!
ZAPPPP!
The lightning bolt hit Luke Warm!
He fell down!
His cue cards scattered everywhere!
Everybody screamed.
“Luke Warm has been struck by lightning!” shouted Andrea.
“Somebody call 911!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “Tell them it’s an emergency!”
“Stand back, everyone!” shouted our school nurse, Mrs. Cooney. “Give him some air!”
When Luke Warm hit the ground, Miss Newman shrieked. Then she ran over to where he was lying and held his head in her hands.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Miss Newman leaned over and started kissing Luke Warm!
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “Miss Newman is kissing Luke Warm! They must be in love!”
“When are they gonna get married?” asked Michael.
“She’s not kissing him, dumbheads!” shouted Andrea. “She’s giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”
Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is when somebody stops breathing and you blow into their mouth to fill their lungs with air. It looks a lot like kissing, except that one of the kissers happens to be unconscious.
While Miss Newman blew air into Luke Warm’s mouth, Mrs. Cooney picked up his hand and held his wrist.
“Is he . . . dead?” asked Michael.
“No, he has a pulse,” said Mrs. Cooney.
“But we need to get him to the hospital right away!”
That’s when a siren came screaming down the street, and an ambulance pulled up.
“What happened?” yelled one of the paramedics.
“This man was struck by lightning,” said Mr. Klutz.
“We’ll take care of him,” the paramedic replied.
Two paramedics lifted Luke Warm onto a stretcher. They slid it inside the ambulance and drove away with the siren screaming.
Wow, that was scary!
“Okay, everybody pringle up!” Mr. Klutz shouted. “Let’s get inside the gym. Hurry! We don’t want anyone else to get hit by lightning.”
Wow, pretty exciting, huh?
Wasn’t that the most exciting chapter in the history of chapters?
You probably think these books are just silly stories and dumb jokes. But that was serious stuff. Luke Warm was struck by lightning! Betcha didn’t see that coming!
He could have died. Maybe he’ll still die! You don’t know. Maybe he’ll die in the next chapter. That would be really sad.
Ya know what? You should stop reading this book right now. Because it would be really upsetting if Luke Warm died. Children’s books are supposed to have happy endings where everybody walks off into the sunset together holding hands.
If I were you, I’d ask for my money back from the bookstore. That is, unless you got this book from the library. Then it was free anyway.
Hey, you know how your parents say you have to read a chapter of a book every night? Well, this is the chapter! It counts! You’re welcome. And nah-nah-nah boo-boo on your parents.
Everybody was freaking out in the gym after Luke Warm got struck by lightning. And we saw it with our own eyes.
Well, it would be pretty hard to see something with somebody else’s eyes.
“He seemed like such a nice man. I hope he’ll be okay,” said Emily, who always hopes everybody will be okay.
“I’m sure Luke Warm will be fine,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Nine out of ten people who get struck by lightning do survive,” said Mrs. Cooney.
In the middle of the gym, Miss Newman was just standing there. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t saying anything. She looked like she was in shock.
“Are you okay, Miss Newman?” asked Mrs. Cooney.
Miss Newman just stood there, frozen.
“She looks like a deer caught in the headlights,” said Mr. Klutz.
What? Miss Newman didn’t look anything like a deer. She looked like a regular lady. Mr. Klutz needs to get his eyes checked. And I don’t think deer get head lice anyway.
Everything Miss Newman had said since she arrived was written on a card for her to read. What was she going to say now? I guess everybody was thinking the same thing, because the whole school was looking at her.
Well, not really. Just the kids and teachers were looking at her. Schools don’t have eyes.
“I . . . I . . . ,” Miss Newman stammered. “I gotta go!” Then she started heading for the door.
“Wait a minute!” Mr. Klutz shouted. “You promised to spend the day talking to our students about the weather. I have a signed contract with Channel 4.”
“B-but I . . . I . . . need my cue cards,” she replied. “I need Luke.”
Then Miss Newman started sobbing and slobbering and blubbering and whimpering and weeping and sniveling. Or some of those things anyway. I’m not sure which ones.
All the lady teachers gathered around her. Mr. Klutz and all the men teachers stood off to the side of the gym looking uncomfortable.*
“It will be okay, honey,” said Ms. Hannah, our art teacher. She gave Miss Newman a hug and a tissue.
“You’ll do fine,” said Mrs. Roopy, our librarian.
“But . . . I’m scared,” said Miss Newman.
“You can do it, Sprinkles!” said Miss Small, our gym teacher. “Just like you
do it on TV every day.”
“On TV, Luke tells me what to say,” Miss Newman said, wiping her tears away. “I need my cue cards.”
“Just be yourself,” said Ms. Coco, our gifted and talented teacher. “I bet you’ve learned a lot doing the weather report on TV all this time.”
“That’s right,” said Miss Holly, our Spanish teacher. “You don’t need some man telling you what to say.”
“Yeah!” shouted all the lady teachers.
Miss Newman stopped crying.
“You know what?” she said. “You’re right! It’s about time I stood up and spoke for myself. I don’t need any cue cards!”
“Atta girl!” shouted the lady teachers.
“So,” said Mr. Klutz, “would it be okay if the children asked you a few questions about the weather?”
“Sure!” said Miss Newman. “Fire away!”
“Does anybody have a weather question for Miss Newman?” asked Mr. Klutz.
Andrea waved her hand in the air like she was stranded on a desert island trying to signal a plane. Mr. Klutz called on her, as always.
“On TV, you talk a lot about rain,” said Andrea. “What makes it rain?”
Miss Newman thought for a moment.
“Uh . . . ,” she said. “It rains because water falls out of the sky. Next question.”
WHAT?! That can’t be right! I always thought it rained because people in heaven were shooting giant water pistols at us.
Mr. Klutz called on Alexia.
“On TV, you always talk about cold fronts,” she said. “Can you tell me what a cold front is?”
“Uh . . . ,” said Miss Newman. “A cold front is when the front of something gets cold.”
WHAT?! That can’t be right! I don’t know what a cold front is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not when the front of something gets cold.
Mr. Klutz called on Michael.
“On TV, you always talk about precipitation,” he said. “What is precipitation?”
“Uh . . . ,” said Miss Newman. “Precipitation is when a person sweats.”
WHAT?!
“I think that’s perspiration,” whispered Andrea, the human dictionary.