Mr. Nick Is a Lunatic! Page 3
I looked around. Everybody else had already started writing stuff on their papers. Mrs. Hall was looking at me.
“How about you, A.J.?” she asked. “What do you want to write about?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t have any ideas.”
“Everybody has ideas,” she replied. “What do you care about? What’s important to you? What are you passionate about?”
I thought and thought and thought. I thought so hard that my brain hurt. I thought so hard that I thought my head was going to explode. Or maybe I was just hungry.
That’s it! I took a crayon out of my desk and wrote this in big letters. . . .
I’M HUNGRY.
“Good, A.J.!” said Mrs. Hall. “I like the passion you put into that! You get an A in creative writing.”
Ha! I wrote two words on a piece of paper and I got an A? Not bad! Hey, creative writing isn’t so terrible after all.
Andrea looked up from her desk. She had on her mean face.
“That’s not fair!” she complained. “Arlo just wrote ‘I’m hungry,’ and he got an A for creative writing? I was going to write a ten-page story about butterflies.”
Ha! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea.
“You can create whatever you want,” said Mrs. Hall. “It doesn’t matter how long your story is. As long as you write what you feel passionate about.”
Andrea turned over her sheet of paper. Then she wrote this on the other side. . . .
I WANT MR. COOPER BACK.
“That’s what I feel passionate about,” she said.
“Good, Andrea!” said Mrs. Hall. “You get an A in creative writing too.”
“That’s not fair!” I complained. “Andrea stole my idea. I was creative before she was creative!”
“Anybody can write whatever they want,” said Mrs. Hall. “It doesn’t matter who did it first.”
Everybody in the class saw that Andrea and I had gotten As for doing nothing. They all turned over their sheets of paper and started writing like crazy on the other side with crayons.
Alexia wrote I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING on her paper.
Michael wrote THIS SCHOOL IS MESSED UP.
Emily wrote I WANT MR. COOPER BACK TOO.
Ryan wrote MR. NICK IS A LUNATIC.
Neil wrote THESE TEACHERS ARE FAKES.
“Yes! Yes!” said Mrs. Hall. “I like your passion! Express yourselves! Let it flow! You kids are so creative!”
Mrs. Hall said we all got As for creative writing and that we should keep working. She excused herself and said she had to go to the ladies’ room.
“I can’t believe she gave us all As,” said Ryan as soon as Mrs. Hall left. “I just wrote five words.”
“This class is bogus,” said Michael.
“This whole school is bogus,” said Alexia.
“Yeah,” everybody agreed.
“Hey, we should go on strike,” I suggested. “We should go march around outside with these signs like our real teachers did.”
Everybody looked at me for a minute.
“That would be cool!” Ryan finally said.
“A.J., you’re a genius!” said Alexia.
“Let’s do it!” said Andrea. Even she liked my idea.
I should get the Nobel Prize. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.
“I’m scared,” said Emily. “We could get in trouble.”
“Let’s go!” I shouted.
We all picked up our signs and rushed out of the classroom. We didn’t even go quietly in single file. There was no line leader. No door holder.
It’s cool having no rules! We just ran a million hundred miles down the hall until we got to the front door.
That’s when Mr. Nick came running out of the principal’s office.
“Hey, where are you kids going?” he shouted. “It’s not time for dismissal yet.”
“We’re expressing our creativity!” I yelled back at him. Then I flashed him a peace sign.
“That’s right,” yelled Andrea. “We’re not going to let The Man tell us what to do! We’re thinking for ourselves.”
“Come back here, you kids!” Mr. Nick shouted. But it was too late. We were already out the door.
On the sidewalk, we all started marching, shouting, and holding up our signs. It was cool. Creative writing is fun.
“WE WANT OUR TEACHERS BACK!” we chanted. “WE WANT OUR TEACHERS BACK!”
A few minutes later the front door opened, and a bunch of kids from the other classes came running outside. I guess they saw us out the window. Some of them were carrying signs of their own.
“Join us!” Andrea shouted to them. “We’re on strike!”
“WE’RE ON STRIKE!” we all chanted. “WE’RE ON STRIKE!”
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. But I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
A tank came rolling down the street.
The tank stopped in the middle of the street, right in front of us. The hatch on the top opened up, and I think you can guess whose head popped out. It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, of course.
“What are you kids doing out of school?” he asked.
“WE WANT OUR TEACHERS BACK!” we chanted. “WE WANT OUR TEACHERS BACK!”
“Put down those silly signs and return to class,” Dr. Carbles shouted through a bullhorn. “I have called in the police and the fire department.”
“Will you bring back our old teachers?” asked Andrea.
“No!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “Go back to school!”
“WE WANT OUR TEACHERS! NOT SOME WEIRD CREATURES!” somebody shouted.
“WE WANT OUR TEACHERS! NOT SOME WEIRD CREATURES!” we all started chanting.
“If you kids don’t return to school right now,” shouted Dr. Carbles, “I will be forced to turn on the hoses and release the dogs.”
“Dogs?” I said. “I love dogs!”
I do love dogs. And getting sprayed by hoses is fun. One time I was washing my dog, Buttons, with a hose and all the neighbors came over with their dogs, and we had a big neighborhood dog-washing party. Everybody was spraying each other with water. That was cool.
“Dr. Carbles has attack dogs, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “He’s going to attack us with dogs and hoses!”
“Your face looks like an attack dog,” I told Andrea, because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“He’s bluffing,” said Michael. “Dr. Carbles would never attack a bunch of kids with dogs.”
“Oh, you don’t think so?” shouted Dr. Carbles.
The tank started to inch forward.
We all took a step backward.
That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Andrea went over and stood right in front of the tank. She put her hand in the air.
The tank stopped moving.
“Move out of the way, young lady!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “I’m warning you. I will crush your rebellion, just like I crushed your teachers’ rebellion!”
“No!” Andrea shouted back. “I’m not moving until our teachers are allowed to come back to school.”
“Andrea is so brave,” Emily said. “When I grow up, I want to be just like Andrea.”
At that moment sirens started blaring down the street. A bunch of police cars and fire trucks pulled up and screeched to a halt.
“I’ll give you one last chance, Andrea,” shouted Dr. Carbles. “Go back to school right now, or else!”
“Not until our teachers come back!” Andrea shouted.
“Okay, you asked for it!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “Turn on the water hoses, men! Release the dogs!”*
I have to tell you, there was electricity in the air.
Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would have all been electrocuted.
Before Dr. Carbles and his men had the chance to attack us, the
weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. A deliveryman came walking up the street.
Well, that’s not the weird part, because deliverymen come walking up the street every day. The weird part was what happened next.
“Howdy-do, everybody,” the deliveryman said. “What’s all the ruckus about? I have a package here for Ella Mentry School.”
“Put that box down!” shouted Mr. Nick as he came running out of the school. “There might be a bomb in there.”
“A bomb!”
“A bomb?”
“A bomb!!”
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying “a bomb.” The deliveryman put the big box on the sidewalk very gently.
A policeman got out of his car with one of the dogs. The dog started sniffing around the box.
“She’s trained to sniff out bombs,” said the policeman.
“Maybe there’s some food in that box,” Ryan whispered to me. “I’m starving.”
The dog stopped sniffing. I guess there wasn’t a bomb in the box.
Mr. Nick went over to the box and got down on his hands and knees. He slowly tore off a piece of tape on the top of the box.
“Stand clear,” he said. “There could be anything in this package.”
It was so exciting! There was electricity in the air. Well, not really. I thought we went over that already. But we were on pins and needles.
Well, not really. We were just standing there. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt. But we were all glued to our seats.
Well, not exactly. That would be weird. And there were no chairs outside. Why would anybody glue themselves to a seat anyway? How would you get the glue off?
Mr. Nick opened the flaps on the box.
He reached inside.
He pulled something out. It was big.
We all moved closer to get a better look.
“It’s a . . . coffee machine!” Mr. Nick said.
“Who ordered that?” shouted Dr. Carbles angrily. “I didn’t buy a coffee machine.”
“No, but we did!”
We all turned around. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who was standing there. I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
It was Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Roopy and Ms. Hannah and all our regular teachers!
“Yay!” we all yelled. “You came back!”
“Klutz!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “I should have known it was you! Where have you been all day?”
“We were at Starbucks,” said Mr. Klutz. “We decided to chip in and buy our own coffee machine. Now we’re ready to get back to work doing what we love—teaching the youth of America.”
“Yay!” we all yelled again.
“You can’t come back to work, Klutz!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “You’re fired! Nick, please escort these students back into the school.”
Everybody looked at Mr. Nick.
“Nah, I don’t think so, man,” said Mr. Nick. “We know when we’re not wanted. These kids don’t appreciate us. This place is a bummer anyway.”
“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Dr. Carbles.
“Let’s go to Starbucks,” replied Mr. Nick as he got back on the bus.
“You can’t leave!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “I hired you for the whole week. You’re under contract!”
“We’re splittin’, dude,” said Mr. Nick. “This school gives off bad vibes. Come on, Moon. Let’s go get some coffee. Then we’ll go back to the yurt.”
Mr. Nick’s girlfriend, dentist, yoga instructor, and cook got on the bus.
“Wait! Stop! Come back here this minute!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “That’s an order!”
“Hey, I don’t take orders from The Man,” said Mr. Nick. “I think for myself.” And then he flashed a peace sign at Dr. Carbles as the bus pulled away.
Well, I think it was a peace sign. I didn’t get a good look at it. Like I said before, I was hungry.
“Who’s going to run the school now?” asked Andrea.
“Yeah,” said Emily. “Who’s going to teach us?”
“Klutz!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “You’re hired again!”
“Hooray!” we all yelled.
Everybody gathered around Mr. Klutz and our teachers, and we had a big group hug.
“We missed you!”
“We missed you too!”
And we all went back into the school.*
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe our teachers will be normal again now that they have a coffee machine. Maybe Mr. Cooper will stop tripping over umbrellas. Maybe Mr. Nick will open up a vegetarian bookstore. Maybe Miss Moon will stop playing that horrible love song on her guitar. Maybe Mr. Bob will go back to being a dentist. Maybe Miss Julia will cook something for lunch besides water soup. Maybe we’ll have a big dog-washing party. Maybe some porpoises will show up in the all-porpoise room. Maybe Dr. Carbles will go back to Rent-A-Tank. Maybe we’ll be able to prevent an asteroid from crashing into the earth and wiping out all life on our planet.
But it won’t be easy!
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About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Credits
Cover art © 2016 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #6: MR. NICK IS A LUNATIC! Text copyright © 2016 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2016 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
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ISBN 978-0-06-228436-5 (pbk. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-228437-2 (library bdg.)
EPub Edition © September 2016 ISBN 9780062284389
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FIRST EDITION
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*Pretty exciting beginning, huh? There’s no way we can keep up this pace.
*How come this book is called Mr. Nick Is a Lunatic! and there’s nobody named Mr. Nick? That’s weird.
*Thanks to Monty Python for “The Cheese Shop” sketch. YouTube it!
*Isn’t this exciting? Aren’t you glad you’
re reading this instead of one of those boring Newbery books?
*Aren’t happy endings nice?