Miss Kraft Is Daft! Read online

  Dedication

  To Tony Grisolano

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1. All about Snot

  2. No More Mr. Nice Guy

  3. Mr. Granite Is Dying!

  4. It Takes Brains to Be a Sub

  5. Clowning Around

  6. The Big Bang

  7. The Truth about Miss Kraft

  8. The Great Kraftini

  9. The Big Book Drop

  10. Getting Suspended

  11. The Most Amazing Trick Ever

  12. The Return of Mr. Granite

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  All about Snot

  My name is A.J. and I hate snot.

  Isn’t snot gross? Liquid gunk comes out of your nose! How could it not be gross?

  Last week my teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet, came to school sneezing, wheezing, and coughing. His nose was red. He looked terrible.

  “Are you sick, Mr. Granite?” asked this crybaby girl named Emily.

  “My head is all stuffed up,” said Mr. Granite, and then he blew his nose into a tissue.

  Well, he didn’t really blow his nose into the tissue. If he did that, he wouldn’t have a nose anymore. He blew the snot from his nose into a tissue. Then he threw the tissue into the garbage can.

  Ewwww! I thought I was gonna throw up. That’s almost as disgusting as blowing the snot straight into the garbage can!*

  “Excuse me,” Mr. Granite said, “I need to go get more tissues.”

  While Mr. Granite was out of the room, the class had a very interesting discussion.

  “If your head is all stuffed up,” asked Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time, “I guess that means your head is full of snot.”

  “No, it’s not,” I said. “Get it? No, it’s snot?”

  Nobody laughed at my joke, so I pretended that I never made it. If you ever tell a joke and nobody laughs, just pretend that you never made the joke and keep talking. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “A head can’t be full of snot,” I explained, “because if it was full of snot, there would be no room for your brain.”

  “That wouldn’t be a problem with you,” said Andrea, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, “because you don’t have a brain!”

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “Your face doesn’t have a brain,” I told Andrea.

  I knew that didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “Maybe our heads are always making more snot,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “Or maybe our brain takes up half of our head, and the other half is made of snot,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “Maybe our brains turn into snot as we get older,” I suggested. “So when we get really old, our heads are completely full of snot.”

  We had to end this discussion because Mr. Granite came back into the class with a box of tissues. He was still sniffling as we pledged the allegiance and did Word of the Day.

  “Let’s get to work,” said Mr. Granite. “Turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  Ugh. I hate math. I’ll do anything to get out of math.

  Mr. Granite made a big honking noise with his nose.

  “Maybe you should go home, Mr. Granite,” I suggested. “You’ll feel a lot better.”

  (And we won’t have to do math!)

  “Nice try, A.J.,” he replied. “Page twenty-three is my favorite math lesson. But every time I try to work on it with you kids, we get called to an assembly. Well, I checked, and there’s no assembly today. I’m not going to let a little cold stop me from—”

  He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence because an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

  “All classes, please report to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.”

  “Not again!” shouted Mr. Granite.

  He was so mad, I thought he might jump out the window.

  2

  No More Mr. Nice Guy

  We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room for the surprise assembly. I don’t know why they call it the all-purpose room, because you can’t use it for bungee jumping.

  Our principal, Mr. Klutz, was up on the stage with our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, and our school counselor, Dr. Brad. They’re usually smiling and giving us high fives when we walk in for an assembly. But not this time. All three of them had on mean faces.

  “What’s up with them?” I whispered as we sat down.

  “It looks like they got up on the wrong side of the bed,” whispered Andrea.

  “What difference does it make which side of the bed you get up on?” I asked.

  “It’s just an expression, Arlo,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.

  “Maybe somebody died,” whispered Ryan.

  Mr. Klutz, Mrs. Jafee, and Dr. Brad were all wearing T-shirts that said BOGS on them.

  “What do you think BOGS stands for?” whispered Neil the nude kid.

  “Big Ostriches Go Slow,” guessed Ryan.

  “Boring Old Geezer Society,” guessed Michael.

  “Body Odor Gets Stinky,” guessed Alexia.

  “Be on Guard—”

  I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence because Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made the shut-up peace sign. Mrs. Jafee tapped on the microphone. Everybody stopped talking. It was so quiet in the all-purpose room, you could hear a pin drop.

  That is, if anybody brought pins to school and started dropping them. But why would anybody do a dumb thing like that?

  “We are disappointed in you children,” said Mrs. Jafee. “Once again, Dirk School got the award for having the best behavior of the month.”

  Dirk School is on the other side of town. That’s where all the genius kids go. We call it “Dork School.”

  Mrs. Jafee sat down, and Dr. Brad stepped up to the microphone.

  “We have been having a lot of behavior problems lately,” he said. “Students have been yelling and running through the hallways. Kids are talking back to their teachers. There have been food fights and riots. This is not the way children are supposed to behave in school. So we’re starting a program to improve behavior and teach respect here at Ella Mentry School.”

  Dr. Brad sat down, and Mr. Klutz stepped up to the microphone. He has no hair at all. I mean none. Mr. Klutz’s head is really shiny. They could use it to signal ships that are lost at sea.

  “BOGS stands for Behave or Get Suspended,” said Mr. Klutz. “I’ve tried to be kind to you children, but it didn’t work. So from now on, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy. Students who misbehave will be suspended.”

  Wow! I remember when Mr. Klutz was a good guy. One time I got sent to his office for bad behavior, and he gave me a candy bar. That was cool. Now he’s all mean.

  “I expect exemplary behavior at Ella Mentry School,” he continued, “and that is all I have to say. I will be checking in on your classrooms regularly to see how you’re making out.”

  “Ewwwwwww, disgusting!” I shouted. “Mr. Klutz said ‘making out’!”

  “QUIET!” roared Mr. Klutz. “Enough of that foolishness!”

  3

  Mr. Granite Is Dying!

  We had to walk a million hundred miles back to class in single file. Everybody was being really quiet. Nobody wanted to get in trouble with Mr. Klutz. I looked around for Mr. Granite, but I couldn’t find him.

  When we passed the front office, ou
r school nurse, Mrs. Cooney, pulled me out of the line. She is beautiful and has eyes that look like cotton candy. One time she wanted me to marry her, but I couldn’t because she was already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

  “A.J.,” she whispered, “please tell your class that Mr. Granite went home for the rest of the day.”

  “Is he going to be okay?” I asked.

  “Oh yes,” said Mrs. Cooney. “He only has a cold.”

  I ran to catch up with the rest of the class. They were just going into our room, and everybody was still on their best behavior. Even the guys folded their hands on their desks and kept their feet on the floor. It was weird.

  “Where’s Mr. Granite?” Neil the nude kid whispered to me.

  “Mr. Granite has a cold,” I whispered, “so he went home for the rest of the day. Spread the word.”

  Neil turned around and whispered to Emily. “Mr. Granite is old, so he went home for the rest of the day.”

  Emily opened her eyes really wide. Then she turned around and whispered to Ryan. “Mr. Granite is old, so he went to a rest home,” she said.

  Ryan leaned over to whisper to Michael. “Old Mr. Granite was put in a home for the rest of his life.”

  Michael turned around and whispered to Andrea. “Mr. Granite was put in an old-age home to rest until he’s dead!”

  “MR. GRANITE IS DYING?!” shouted Andrea.

  Suddenly, everyone started yelling, screaming, crying, and freaking out.

  “But Mr. Granite is so young!” wailed Michael.

  “He was such a good man!” groaned Neil the nude kid.

  “I need to speak with a grief counselor!” screamed Emily.

  “Why? Why? Why?” everybody was moaning.

  Kids were weeping, holding their heads, and wiping their eyes. The girls were talking about what they were going to wear to Mr. Granite’s funeral.

  That’s when Mr. Klutz came running into the classroom like his hair was on fire.*

  “What’s the matter?” he shouted. “Is someone hurt?”

  “Mr. Granite is dying!” yelled Andrea.

  “No he’s not,” said Mr. Klutz. “He has a cold, so he went home for the rest of the day. Who told you that he’s dying?”

  Ryan looked at me. Alexia looked at me. Michael looked at me. Emily looked at me. Everybody was looking at me.

  “A.J. told us that Mr. Granite is dying!” Andrea said, pointing at me.

  “I did not!”

  “You did too!”

  “Did not!”

  “Did too!”

  We went on like that for a while until Mr. Klutz clapped his hands together: CLAP CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP.

  Five claps means “shut up.” Nobody knows why.

  “Remember what I said about your behavior,” said Mr. Klutz as he left the room. “If you kids can’t behave, some of you are going to be suspended. I’m not fooling around!”

  4

  It Takes Brains to Be a Sub

  You know what it means when your teacher gets sick? It means you get a substitute teacher!

  Yay!

  Having a sub is cool because you don’t have to do work or learn anything. You can do whatever you want. It’s too bad teachers can’t be sick all the time. Then school would be fun.

  I pulled out a comic book and put my feet up on my desk. This was going to be the greatest day of my life.

  But you’ll never believe who ran into the door at that moment.

  It was a lady dressed up like a clown and riding a unicycle! She ran right into the door!

  “Ouch!” said the clown lady as she got up off the floor. “That hurt!”

  Everybody laughed, because it’s always hilarious when people crash into things and fall down. Nobody knows why. If you ask me, there should be a TV station that shows nothing but people crashing into things and falling down all day long. That would be cool.

  “Hi boys and girls!” the clown lady said. “My name is Miss Kraft.”

  “Are you a clown or a teacher?” asked Andrea.

  “Both!” said Miss Kraft. “I’m a clown and a teacher. We’re going to have fun and learn at the same time!”

  “That’s impossible,” I said.

  “Don’t be a Grumpy Gus!” said Miss Kraft. “Watch this! What’s two times one?”

  “Two!” we all shouted.

  Miss Kraft put her hand up to her face. Then she pulled a red handkerchief and a blue handkerchief out of her nose.

  “And what’s two times two?” she asked.

  “Four!” we all shouted.

  Miss Kraft pulled four colorful handkerchiefs out of her nose.

  “And what’s two times three?” she asked.

  “Six!” we all shouted.

  Miss Kraft pulled six colorful handkerchiefs out of her nose. It was amazing!

  “WOW!” we all shouted, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “How did you fit all those handkerchiefs in your nose?” asked Ryan.

  “Easy!” said Miss Kraft. “I took my brain out.”

  She reached into her pocket, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what she had in there.

  A brain!

  “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!” everybody screamed, even the guys.

  Emily, the big crybaby, was hiding under her desk.

  “What’s the matter?” Miss Kraft asked her.

  “I’m afraid of clowns,” Emily said, whimpering. “Clowns are creepy.”

  Well, she’s right about that. Clowns are creepy. Nobody knows why.

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Miss Kraft said. “Would anybody else like me to take out their brain?”

  “Me! Me! Me!” shouted all the boys.

  Miss Kraft went over to Michael and put her hand on the back of his head. When she pulled it away, she had another brain in her hand.

  “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

  Emily freaked and went running out of the room. Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.

  “You should take out A.J.’s brain, Miss Kraft,” said Andrea. “He never uses it.”

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “Yeah, take out my brain!” I said.

  Miss Kraft came over to me and put her hand on the back of my head. When she pulled it away, she had a third brain in her hand. Then she threw all the brains up in the air and started to juggle them.

  “Look!” said Miss Kraft. “I’m juggling brains!”

  Clowns are weird.

  5

  Clowning Around

  Miss Kraft was still juggling the three brains when Mr. Klutz came in.

  “Ah, I see you’ve met your substitute teacher,” he said. “Miss Kraft just graduated from clown college.”

  “They have colleges for clowns?!” asked Alexia.

  “Oh yes,” said Miss Kraft. “This year I took classes in magic tricks, unicycle riding, and advanced balloon animals.”

  “Cool!” we all said.

  “When I get bigger, I want to go to clown college,” I said.

  “I’m sure your parents will be happy to hear that, A.J.,” said Mr. Klutz. “I just wanted to come in to assure you kids that Mr. Granite is fine and will be back tomorrow. Until then, I expect you all to be on your best behavior, just like you would be if Mr. Granite was here.”

  “I’m always on my best behavior,” said Andrea.

  What is her problem?

  “Good,” said Mr. Klutz, “because I know what happens when there’s a substitute in the class. I was a boy once, you know.”

  “Just once?” I asked. “I’m a boy all the time.”

  “No, I mean that I used to be your age,” he told us, “and we used to give the subs a hard time. But if there is going to be any bad behavior in here, there are going to be suspensions.”

  Mr. Klutz left the room.

  “Hey, do you kids want to see a cool magic trick?” asked Miss Kraft.

  “Yeah!” we all yelled.

  “Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
”

  “You don’t have a hat,” said Ryan.

  “Oh, you’re right,” said Miss Kraft. “Then watch me pull a hat out of my rabbit.”

  She waved her arm around, and suddenly there was a big puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared, she was holding a rabbit!

  “It’s adorable!” yelled all the girls.

  Then Miss Kraft waved her arm around again, and there was another puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared, she was holding a big top hat. The rabbit climbed out of it.

  “WOW!” we all said, which as you know is “MOM” upside down.

  Miss Kraft did some card tricks and coin tricks for us. Then she sang a song while she played a banjo. After that she did a funny clown dance, gave us candy, and made us some balloon animals.

  Miss Kraft is cool! This was even better than having a regular sub. We didn’t have to do any schoolwork; plus they brought in a clown to entertain us. Having Miss Kraft as a sub is like going to a birthday party all day long.

  “Is everyone having fun?” she asked.

  “Yeah!” we all yelled.

  “I wish you were our teacher every day!” I told her.*

  6

  The Big Bang

  Miss Kraft is the coolest sub in the history of the world. We were going to play games, eat junk food, and have fun all day long.

  “What are we going to do now, Miss Kraft?” asked Alexia.

  “Yeah, are you going to make more balloon animals?” asked Ryan.

  “No,” said Miss Kraft.

  “Are you going to give us candy and cookies?” asked Michael.

  “No,” said Miss Kraft.

  “Are you going to ride your unicycle and juggle some more?” asked Emily.

  “No,” said Miss Kraft.

  “Then what are we going to do?” I asked.

  “Turn to page twenty-three in your math books,” she said.

  “WHAT!?”

  I think my jaw dropped open, and my eyes popped out of my head like in the cartoons.

  “B-b-but,” I stuttered, “I thought we were going to play games and have fun today.”