Mr. Docker Is Off His Rocker! Read online

  My Weird School #10

  Mr. Docker Is Off His Rocker!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by

  Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 Science Is for Nerds

  2 The Power of the Potato

  3 Stop, Drop, and Roll

  4 Going on a Field Trip

  5 The Science (Not) Fair

  6 Being Nice to Andrea

  7 The Truth About Mr. Docker

  8 Don’t Try This at Home

  9 Spying on Mr. Docker

  10 The Spudmobile

  11 My Buzzing, Bubbling Brain

  12 The Worst Moment of My Life

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  Science Is for Nerds

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  Why do we need to learn how to read if we have books on CD? Why do we need to learn social studies if that stuff happened a long time ago and we can’t do anything about it now? I hate that stuff. But there’s one subject I really hate.

  Andrea Young.

  Well, Andrea is not exactly a subject. She’s this annoying girl in my class. Even her curly brown hair is annoying.

  “Guess what, A.J.?” Andrea said as we were putting our backpacks away.

  “Your butt,” I replied. (Anytime somebody asks, “Guess what?” you should always say, “Your butt.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.)

  “I know what A.J. stands for,” Andrea said.

  “Do not.”

  “Do too.”

  We went back and forth like that for a while. There’s no way Andrea could know what A.J. stands for. I never told anyone. Even my best friends, Ryan and Michael, don’t know. If anyone ever found out what A.J. stands for, I’d have to get a new name. I’d have to leave town.

  “A.J. stands for—”

  Andrea never got the chance to finish her sentence because our teacher, Miss Daisy, came in.

  “Enough chitchatting,” Miss Daisy said. “It’s time for Show and Share.”

  Oh man! I forgot all about Show and Share! We were supposed to bring in something that starts with the letter D and tell the class about it. I looked in my desk for a D word. Nothing. I looked in my pockets. All I had was lunch money.

  But wait! A dime! “Dime” begins with D!

  “I brought in a dime,” I told Miss Daisy.

  “Good,” she said. “What can you tell us about the dime, A.J.?”

  “It’s worth ten cents,” I said, and everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  Andrea was waving her hand in the air, and she got called on, of course.

  “The word ‘dime’ comes from the Latin word ‘decimus,’” Andrea said.

  I hate her.

  “Very good, Andrea!” said Miss Daisy. “How did you know that?”

  “I looked it up in my D word,” Andrea said. “I brought in a dictionary. I use it all the time at home to look up words.”

  Andrea grinned her little I’m-so-smart grin.

  Ryan, who sits next to me, whispered, “If she was really smart, she wouldn’t have to look stuff up.”

  “Andrea, would you please look up the word ‘science’?” asked Miss Daisy. “S-C-I-E-N-C-E.”

  What a dumb spelling! There’s no reason why that word should have a C in it. Andrea turned the pages of her dictionary.

  “S…S-A…S-C,” she said. “Here it is. ‘Science is knowledge made up of an orderly system of facts that have been learned from study, observation, and experiments.’”

  “Very good!”

  Andrea smiled her I-know-everything smile and said she was going to keep her dictionary on her desk from now on in case she had to look up any other words.

  Why can’t a box of dictionaries fall on her head?

  “I have good news,” Miss Daisy said. “We have a new teacher at Ella Mentry School. His name is Mr. Docker, and he used to be a real scientist. He’s retired now, but he agreed to come back to school to teach us science.”

  That was good news? It sounded like bad news to me. We never had to learn science before. Now, just because some old guy doesn’t like being retired, we had to learn a new subject. It wasn’t fair.

  Why did I have to learn science? It’s not like I was going to be a scientist someday. When I grow up, I’m going to be a football player. I play Pee Wee football. Tackling people is fun.

  Suddenly Mr. Klutz, our principal, poked his bald head into the doorway.

  “Has anybody seen Mr. Docker?” he asked. “I think he ran away.”

  “We’d better line up in ABC order and go look for him!” said Miss Daisy. “Quickly! To the science room!”

  I didn’t need any dictionary to tell me what science is. Science is for nerds.

  2

  The Power of the Potato

  We walked a million hundred miles to the science room. Michael, who never ties his shoes, was the line leader.

  “Science is for nerds,” I said.

  “Science is fun!” said Andrea, who thinks everything about school is fun.

  The science room is probably the weirdest room in the history of the world. In the corner there was a skeleton wearing a top hat. There was a cage with white mice running around it. There were strange machines, microscopes, computers, plants, and other stuff all over the place.

  “This place is freaky weird,” Ryan said.

  “Where’s Mr. Docker?” Andrea asked.

  “I don’t know,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn’t know anything.

  We were looking at all the junk when the door banged open and an old guy came in. He was standing on one of those rolling things that looks like an old-time lawn mower. He was wearing a helmet, goggles, and one of those doctor lab coats. What a nerd!

  “Hi, everybody!” he said. “I’m Mr. Docker!”

  Then he smashed into the chalkboard and fell off his rolling thing. We all ran over to pick him up off the floor.

  “Are you okay?” we all asked.

  “Never better!”

  Mr. Docker took off his helmet and goggles. He had crazy gray hair that went off in all directions. It looked like he hadn’t combed it in years. If my hair looked like that, my mother wouldn’t let me out of the house.

  “Hey, I’ve seen that guy before,” Ryan whispered. “He lives down the street from me!”

  Mr. Docker reached into his lab coat and pulled out a potato. He took a bite out of it.

  “Sorry I’m late,” Mr. Docker said. “I had to harvest my tubers.”

  Huh? I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “Tubers are potatoes,” Andrea said. “I looked it up in the dictionary once.”

  “Very good,” Mr. Docker said. “Welcome to science. I’m going to take you on a scientific journey. We’re going to explore the wonders of our world. The future is in your hands. You will be the scientists of tomorrow.”

  “Not me,” I said. “I’m going to be a football player.”

  “But we can all be scientists,” Mr. Docker said. “All you have to do is look around and ask ‘Why?’ Why does the Earth spin? Why do dogs wag their tails? Can anybody think of another science why question?”

  “Why do we have to learn science?” I asked.

  Andrea looked at me and rolled her eyes.

  “That’s a good question,” Mr. Docker said.

  I stuck out my tongue at Andrea. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her!

  “We have to learn science because science is all around us,” Mr. Docker said. “When you bounce a ball, you’re learning the science of phy
sics. When you look at a flower, you’re learning the science of botany. When you pick your nose, you’re learning the science of biology.”

  “You’re also getting the boogers out,” I added.

  Ryan said he was a scientist because he went on the Internet and found out how to make a stink bomb.

  “We’re all scientists,” Mr. Docker said, “and kids make great scientists, because you’re naturally curious. I love it when kids ask why questions. Does anyone have another why question?”

  “Why can’t we go to recess?” I asked.

  “Science is more fun than recess,” Mr. Docker said as he took something out of his desk drawer. “Hey, let me show you something. I brought this from my laboratory at home.”

  “What is it?” asked Emily.

  “It’s a potato clock,” Mr. Docker said. “There are no batteries. You don’t plug it into an outlet on the wall. It’s powered by the chemicals in potatoes! Watch this!”

  He took two potatoes out of his desk and put them in the clock. Then he took the wires that went from the clock and stuck them into the potatoes. The little screen on the clock lit up and said “10:15.”

  “It works!” we all shouted. “Wow! That’s cool!”

  “I love potatoes!” said Mr. Docker. Then he let out this cackling laugh, just like scientists do in the movies. That’s a sure sign that somebody is crazy.

  “Why did you make a clock out of potatoes?” Andrea asked.

  “I wanted to see time fry!” said Mr. Docker. “Get it? Time fry? Potatoes? French fries?”

  I laughed at his joke, even though it wasn’t very funny. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if a teacher makes a joke and you don’t laugh, they get mad and give you extra homework. So always laugh at your teacher’s jokes, no matter how bad they are. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “But seriously,” Mr. Docker said, “the Earth is going to run out of oil someday. We’ll need to use other forms of energy.”

  “Like potato power?” I asked.

  “Exactly!” Mr. Docker said. “Imagine, if two potatoes can make enough energy to run a clock, what could two hundred potatoes run? Or two thousand? Or two million?”

  Mr. Docker is a real potato freak. But as he was talking, his potato clock stopped.

  “What time is it?” Michael asked.

  “Time to change potatoes,” said Mr. Docker. Then he let out his evil, demented, cackling laugh again.

  Mr. Docker is off his rocker!

  3

  Stop, Drop, and Roll

  Andrea was so obnoxious with her dictionary. Every five minutes she looked up another word so she could show how smart she is.

  But I got her. When she went to the bathroom during cleanup time, I snuck over to her desk and opened the dictionary. I flipped through the pages until I found the word “stupid.” Then I drew a picture of Andrea and a line pointing to the word.

  It was great. You should have been there. I closed the dictionary just before Andrea came back from the bathroom. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her! I couldn’t wait for her to find the picture.

  Miss Daisy told us to line up for science. We walked a million hundred miles to the science room. Mr. Docker wasn’t there yet, but then he rolled in on that lawn mower thing. He was eating potato chips. Mr. Docker sure loves potatoes.

  “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I was reading a book about helium, and I just couldn’t put it down.” And then he did that cackling demented laugh, so we had to laugh so he wouldn’t give us extra homework.

  Mr. Docker told us that he is eighty years old and he has seen a lot of science in his life. When he was a kid, they didn’t have important stuff like microwave popcorn or Velcro or sneakers that light up when you walk.

  “Wow!” I said. “Do you remember when they discovered fire? Were you there when they invented the wheel?”

  “I’m not quite that old,” Mr. Docker said. “But when I was your age, they didn’t have video games.”

  “No video games?” I asked. “How did you survive?”

  “I did experiments!” he said. “Let’s do an experiment right now. What do you think would happen if we combined water with the chemicals citric acid and sodium bicarbonate?”

  “Beats me,” Michael said.

  “Let’s do the experiment to find out!” said Mr. Docker.

  He took one of those tiny little plastic cans they use to hold camera film and put hot water in it. He dropped in a piece of Alka-Seltzer, which is this medicine my dad takes when he has a tummy ache. Then he snapped the top on the film can and put it upside down on the floor.

  Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then the film can suddenly shot up into the air and bounced off the ceiling.

  “The chemical reaction gives off carbon dioxide gas,” said Mr. Docker. “The can has nowhere to go, so it blasts off!”

  Wow! Even I had to admit that was cool.

  Mr. Docker told us that scientists use something called the scientific method.

  “First think of a question or problem,” he said. “Then try to guess what the answer is. After that do an experiment. Then look at the results and form a conclusion. That’s the scientific method.”

  Mr. Docker asked if anyone had any questions, and Andrea (of course) stuck her hand in the air.

  “I have a why question,” Andrea said. “Why is the sky blue?”

  What a brownnoser. Everybody knows why the sky is blue. It’s because air is blue.

  “The sky is blue because of Roy G. Biv,” Mr. Docker said.

  “Roy G. Biv?” I said. “Who’s that?”

  “He’s right outside,” Mr. Docker said.

  He took out this glass thing that was shaped like a triangle. He brought it over to the window where the sun was shining in.

  “This is called a prism,” he told us. “It’s going to help us find Roy G. Biv.”

  Mr. Docker held the prism thing up to the sunlight, and the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. A big old rainbow appeared on the wall of the room. It was cool.

  “Roy G. Biv stands for red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet,” said Mr. Docker. “Sunlight is made of these different colors. The prism separates them. But when sunlight goes through air, the light particles scatter and bounce off the oxygen atoms. Most of the colors don’t scatter very well. But blue scatters really well in all different directions. It has a short wavelength. That’s why the sky looks blue.”

  Andrea was taking notes the whole time. What is her problem?

  “See?” Mr. Docker said. “Just about anything is science.”

  “I know something that’s not science,” I said. “Blowing stuff up. Blowing stuff up is cool.”

  “Blowing things up is dangerous,” Andrea said.

  “Can you possibly be any more boring?” I asked.

  “You’re both right,” said Mr. Docker. “Blowing stuff up is cool and dangerous. It’s science, too. We can’t blow stuff up here, but that gives me a good idea for a what-if experiment. What do you think will happen if I take some raw sodium and put it into water?”

  “It will get wet,” I said.

  “It will melt,” said Andrea.

  “I think it will float,” guessed Ryan.

  “Those are good guesses,” said Mr. Docker. “Let’s do the experiment and find out! Then we’ll look at the results and form a conclusion.”

  Mr. Docker poured water into a pan. He put on a pair of goggles. Then he unlocked a cabinet and took out a chunk of sodium with a big spoon.

  “Don’t try this at home, kids,” he said.

  He dropped the chunk of sodium into the pan. And then the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  There was a big flash of light! It lit up the whole room! A flame jumped out of the pan! It was way cool, and we saw it live and in person.

  “The chemical reaction creates heat!” said Mr. Docker.

  Just then something crazy happened. His hair caug
ht on fire!

  “Uh-oh,” said Mr. Docker. “That’s not supposed to happen.”

  Flames and smoke were coming off his head! It was like his head was a campfire! It was a real Kodak moment.

  “Stick your head in the sink!” Michael yelled.

  “Stop, drop, and roll!” said Andrea.

  “Throw dirt on him!” somebody else yelled.

  But we couldn’t do any of those things. Mr. Docker went running out of the room, screaming that his head was on fire. He ran pretty fast for an old guy. It was cool.

  Maybe science isn’t so nerdy after all.

  4

  Going on a Field Trip

  I learned an important lesson in science class. If you mix raw sodium with water, your head will catch on fire.

  Mr. Docker wasn’t in school for a few days after “the incident.” We were worried about him.

  But finally, the day before spring vacation, Mr. Docker was back at school and we had science class. I almost didn’t recognize him. He had a lot less hair. He looked more normal. Mr. Docker should have set his head on fire a long time ago, if you ask me.

  “Mr. Docker, where do bugs go in the winter?” Michael asked.

  “Some of them dig holes in the ground,” said Mr. Docker. “Some go to sleep. Some die.”

  “That’s so sad!” said Emily. What a crybaby!

  “Can we pick our noses and look at the boogers under the microscope?” I asked.

  “Not today,” said Mr. Docker. “Today we’re going on a field trip.”

  “Hooray!” everybody shouted. Field trips are cool because we get to leave school. Any place that isn’t school is better than school.

  “Where are we going on our field trip?” asked Andrea.