Oh, Valentine, We've Lost Our Minds! Read online

  Then Pee Air taught us a song called “Frère Jacques.” It’s about a guy who isn’t sure if his brother is asleep or not. That song is weird. If my brother was lying there and I couldn’t tell if he was asleep, I’d call an ambulance, not write some dumb song about it.

  “We have certainly learned a lot about France this morning,” said Mr. Granite. “But it’s time to get back to our work now. Turn to page twenty-three in your math books, please.”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  BRING! BRING! BRING!*

  It was the lunch bell. We all cleared off our desks and got ready to go to lunch.

  I learned one important thing about France: If you talk about France long enough, you don’t have to do math.

  We walked in single file to the vomitorium. It used to be called the cafetorium, but then some first grader threw up in there and it’s been the vomitorium ever since.

  “Ooooh, sit next to me, Pee Air!” begged Andrea.

  “No, sit next to me!” begged Alexia.

  “Can I sit next to you, Pee Air?” begged Emily.

  “I asked him first!” said Andrea.

  All the girls were fighting over who would get to sit next to Pee Air. That’s good. They wouldn’t be bothering us at our table for a change.

  “I will sit next to all of you . . . lovely ladies,” said Pee Air. “Maybe you can . . . teach me some English.”

  “And maybe you can teach us some French,” said Andrea, giggling.

  The guys and I sat down at our table. The girls crowded around Pee Air at the next table.

  “I hope I get to visit Paris someday,” said Andrea, who was all goo-goo eyes. “It’s so romantic!”

  “Maybe I will . . . take you there someday, Andrea,” said Pee Air.

  “Oooooooooooo!” went all the girls. Andrea was all giggly and red faced.

  We took out our lunches. We all watched as Pee Air opened his backpack. I was sure he was going to pull out a bunch of frogs’ legs and snails and French onion soup and other stinky, gross stuff they eat in France.

  “I have a baguette,” Pee Air said.

  “What’s that?” I asked. “A little bag?”

  But Pee Air pulled out this giant bread thing. It was like two feet long! I bet that thing is the longest bread in the history of the world. You could have a sword fight with that bread.

  “WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  Pee Air also took out some more of his stinky cheese. He never runs out of that stuff. Pee Air broke off pieces of bread and cheese and handed them around to the girls.

  The guys and I ate our lunch without saying anything. We were trying to listen to what they were saying at the next table.

  “Pee Air, what is this called in French?” Andrea asked as she held up a piece of cheese.

  “That is fromage,” Pee Air replied. “‘Fromage’ is the French word for ‘cheese.’”

  “How do you say ‘napkin’?” Emily asked, holding up her napkin.

  “‘Serviette,’” said Pee Air.

  “How do you say ‘fish’?” asked Alexia.

  “‘Fish’ is ‘poisson,’” said Pee Air.

  “That sounds like ‘poison’!” all the girls said, giggling uncontrollably.

  “Oh, Pee Air, you are simply adorable!” said Andrea.

  The girls were all laughing their heads off even though Pee Air didn’t say anything funny.

  “I don’t like Pee Air,” I finally whispered to the guys.

  “Me neither,” said Michael.

  “I think you’re jealous of him, A.J.,” whispered Neil the nude kid.

  “Me? Jealous?” I said. “I’m not jealous of him.”

  Well, maybe I was a little jealous of Pee Air. He was really handsome and he had a cool French accent and the girls were giving him all the attention.

  “You’re jealous that Andrea likes Pee Air,” said Neil.

  “I am not!” I said. “I can’t stand Andrea.”

  “Ooooo!” Ryan said. “A.J. says he can’t stand Andrea. They must be in LOVE!”

  “When are you and Andrea gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  After lunch we went out to the playground for recess. Michael grabbed a football, and we started throwing it back and forth.

  “Hey, Pee Air!” yelled Ryan. “Wanna throw the football with us?”

  “Merci, but no,” said Pee Air. “I don’t know . . . how to play.”

  “We can teach you,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “Play with us, Pee Air!” begged Andrea.

  “Ooooh, yes!” begged all the girls. “Play with us! Pleeeeeeze?”

  Pee Air ran over to the girls. They were playing hopscotch and jacks and jump rope and other girly games we refuse to play. I kept looking over at the girls while we threw the football back and forth.

  “You are so much fun, Pee Air!” Andrea shouted as she hopscotched. “The boys never want to play with us.”

  After we got tired of throwing the football around, me and the guys sat down on the grass to watch the girls playing with Pee Air.

  “Look at that guy,” I said. “He actually looks like he’s having fun playing with the girls.”

  “And they’re all making goo-goo eyes at him,” said Ryan.

  We watched Pee Air and Andrea go over to the swings together. That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Pee Air took off his jacket!

  Well, that’s not the amazing part. I’m sure Pee Air takes off his jacket all the time. The amazing part was what he did with his jacket.

  There was a puddle of water in front of one of the swings. After Pee Air took off his jacket, he put it down on the ground over the puddle! Right in the water! Then he made a deep bow, and Andrea stepped on the jacket to get to the swing.

  WHAT?!

  Me and the guys couldn’t believe our eyes! Andrea could have just walked around the puddle to get to the swing. But Pee Air ruined a perfectly good jacket so Andrea wouldn’t have to walk a couple of feet.

  “Oh, Pee Air!” I heard Andrea say. “You are so gallant!”

  I’m not sure, but I guess “gallant” means a guy who throws his clothes into puddles of water.

  We all watched Andrea and Pee Air swing on the swings. They were talking to each other for a long time, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.

  BRING! BRING! BRING!

  Recess was over. We lined up to go back inside the school. All the girls ran over to Andrea.

  “You won’t believe what happened!” Andrea told them. “Pee Air just told me I am his special valentine!”

  “Eeeeeek!” all the girls screamed.

  “Not only that,” Andrea said, “but he asked me to go out for ice cream with him after school today!”

  “Eeeeeek!”

  “You are the luckiest girl in the whole world!” said Emily.

  “I wish Pee Air would invite me out for ice cream,” said Alexia, who used to be cool before Pee Air showed up.

  “I can’t believe you and Pee Air are going on a date!” said Emily.

  “It’s not a date,” Andrea told the girls. “It’s just ice cream.”

  “It’s an ice cream date!” screamed Emily.

  “Eeeeeek!”

  “Don’t be silly,” said Andrea. “Pee Air and I are just friends.”

  “But he’s a boy,” Emily said. “So that means Pee Air is your boyfriend!”

  “Eeeeeek!”

  Girls are weird.

  The I Scream Shop has the best ice cream in town. After school, me and the guys decided to go over there so we could spy on Andrea and Pee Air.

  But we didn’t want to go inside the I Scream Shop. We watched what was going on from across the street. It was cool. We were like secret agents. Neil got a pair of binoculars for his birthday, so he was our lookout as we hid in the bushes.

 
; A few minutes after we arrived, Andrea and Pee Air showed up. We watched them go inside the I Scream Shop and sit in a booth near the window.

  “What are they doing?” I asked Neil as he peered through the binoculars.

  “It looks like he’s giving her a card or something,” Neil reported.

  “It’s probably some mushy love poem,” I said. “It’s his special valentine.”

  A few minutes passed.

  “What are they doing now?” asked Ryan.

  “He’s giving her a stuffed animal,” reported Neil. “She’s giggling and acting all girly.”

  “A stuffed animal?” said Michael. “Where did he get a stuffed animal?”

  “From Rent-A-Stuffed-Animal,” I told him. “You can rent anything.”

  “What are they doing now?” Michael asked a few minutes later.

  “They’re eating ice cream,” Neil reported. “It looks like strawberry.”

  Strawberry?!

  We were all bummed out. It didn’t bother us that Pee Air was with Andrea. It bothered us that they were eating ice cream and we were hiding in the bushes across the street. And I love strawberry.

  We were also bummed out because the next day was going to be Valentine’s Day. We would have to make cards and read poems and talk about the L word all day. It was going to be horrible.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I said to the guys.

  “That Pee Air is one smooth operator,” Michael said as we walked down the street.

  “He probably likes the L word,” I said.

  “He loves love,” said Neil. “I hate love.”

  “Pee Air thinks he is so great,” Ryan complained.

  “All the girls are making goo-goo eyes at him,” said Ryan.

  “Even Alexia likes him,” said Michael, “and she used to be cool.”

  “We can’t let that French pastry make us look bad,” said Ryan.

  We all laughed, because Ryan called Pee Air a French pastry.

  “Yeah, we can’t let that French pastry push us around,” said Neil.

  “That’s right!” I said. “We should teach Pee Air a lesson.”

  “Yeah!” said Ryan. “What do you think we should—”

  Ryan didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, because you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came running over to us.

  It was Pee Air!

  “Hey, guys!” he said.

  “Why aren’t you out eating ice cream with Andrea?” asked Michael. “She’s your special valentine, right?”

  “Andrea had to go to her . . . how do you say . . . clog-dancing class,” Pee Air replied.* “Can I . . . hang out with you guys . . . for a while? Maybe I can practice my English with you.”

  I didn’t want to be Pee Air’s English teacher. I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at me. I looked at Pee Air. And that’s when I came up with the greatest idea in the history of the world.

  “Sure, Pee Air,” I said. “There are lots of English words and expressions that they don’t teach you in school.”

  “Like what?” asked Pee Air.

  “Like ‘vomit,’” I said. “It means you have a good feeling. So if you really like somebody, you tell them that they make you vomit.”

  “That’s a good word!” said Pee Air. “Tell me another one.”

  The guys were all trying hard not to laugh.

  “Well, in America, we call ‘candy’ ‘snot,’” I told Pee Air. “People really like eating snot.”

  “Or finding snot in their pocket,” added Ryan.

  “Or getting snot in their lunch box,” added Michael.

  “I love eating snot,” said Neil.

  “I see,” said Pee Air. “So I could ask a girl if she wants some of my snot?”

  “Sure!” I said. “Girls love it when you share your snot with them.”

  We made up all kinds of other rude expressions and taught Pee Air how to say them. It was hilarious.

  Maybe Valentine’s Day won’t be so bad after all.

  When I got to school the next morning, there were red and pink flowers and hearts all over the hallways. Ugh, disgusting!

  I have bad news for you. A real heart doesn’t look anything like those hearts they have on valentines. I saw a picture of a real heart once on TV. It was gross.

  Mr. Granite wasn’t in class yet. All the girls were giggling around Andrea, who was telling them about her big ice cream date with Pee Air.

  “When we grow up,” she said, “Pee Air and I will probably get married.”

  “Eeeeeek!” all the girls screamed.

  “We’re going to move to Paris and eat baguettes all day,” said Andrea.

  Pee Air walked in the doorway. He was wearing one of those weird beret thingies that people in France wear on their heads all the time. Nobody knows why. The girls lined up to get their hands kissed by Pee Air.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, Pee Air!” said Andrea, holding her hand out.

  “Andrea, my special valentine,” said Pee Air. “I would like to give you a box full of snot . . . for Valentine’s Day.”

  “What?!” Andrea said.

  “I want to share my snot with you,” Pee Air said. “I have some very fine snot . . . that I brought from France.”

  Andrea took a step backward. It looked like she was going to faint.

  “You brought snot from France?” she asked.

  “Yes, the best snot in the world . . . is French snot,” said Pee Air.

  “They sell snot in stores there?” she asked.

  “Oh yes, it is very expensive . . . and my family buys many boxes of snot. We store them in the . . . pantry.”

  Andrea sat down. She looked like she was going to be sick.

  Emily held out her hand for Pee Air to kiss.

  “Your eyes look like . . . giant toilets in the moonlight,” said Pee Air as he kissed Emily’s hand. “Your feet smell like . . . cabbages that have been left out in the sun too long. If I pick my nose . . . may I also pick yours? Your hair is so beautiful. Do you have head lice?”

  Emily started crying and went running out of the room. What a crybaby! That’s when Mr. Granite arrived.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!” he said cheerfully.

  Pee Air went over to Alexia and took her hand.

  “Every snowflake is different . . . just like every piece of your dandruff. Your body odor is so pungent. Do you have fleas? Cockroaches must be happy . . . to live in your underwear.”

  “Pee Air!” said Mr. Granite. “What’s gotten into you?”

  Pee Air went over to Annette and took her hand.

  “I apologize,” he said. “May I taste your earwax? The perfume you are wearing . . . smells like elephant poop. Looking at your face . . . makes me vomit.”

  “Pee Air!” said Mr. Granite. “That is inappropriate language to use in school!”

  Wow, Pee Air must have believed everything we told him about speaking English. That guy will fall for anything. Andrea looked like she might start crying.

  “I thought I was your special valentine,” she said to Pee Air.

  “You are, Andrea,” said Pee Air. “Your face is like . . . an unwashed armpit. I would like to sprinkle your toenail clippings . . . on my breakfast cereal.”

  “That’s not nice to say!” Andrea said.

  “I fart in your general direction,” said Pee Air.

  “That’s it!” said Mr. Granite. “Pee Air, go to the principal’s office!”

  “What . . . what did I do?” asked Pee Air.

  Me and the guys were falling all over each other trying not to laugh. This was going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever!

  When Pee Air came back to class with Mr. Klutz, he looked really mad.

  “Do you have anything to say to the girls in the class, Pee Air?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “I am sorry,” Pee Air said, looking at the floor. He sat down in his seat. He looked at me and made a mean face.

/>   “Maybe children are allowed to say those kinds of things in France,” said Mr. Granite, “but we don’t talk like that here. Do you understand?”

  “Oui,” said Pee Air.

  Ha-ha! In Pee Air’s face! I guess I showed him. Maybe everybody will stop treating him like he’s so perfect.

  Mr. Klutz left. It was time for our Valentine’s Day class party. My mom had given me little valentines to hand out to everybody in the class. So did all the other moms, so we all got lots of valentines. A few kids brought in cookies from home. Pee Air brought in a big box of French chocolate.

  All right! It was about time we got some chocolate!

  “Sweets for the sweet!” Pee Air said as he handed out his chocolates to everybody.

  “I hope there’s no snot in there,” I whispered to Ryan.

  Actually, Pee Air’s French chocolate was awesome. It was way better than our chocolate. This was the best Valentine’s Day ever. I had humiliated Pee Air, and I got to eat his chocolate, too. But that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Pee Air stood up.

  Well, that’s not the weird part, because Pee Air stands up all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

  “I would like to recite a poem . . . I wrote in English,” he said. “It is for my special valentine.”

  Everybody looked at Andrea.

  “Go ahead, Pee Air,” said Mr. Granite. “We would love to hear your poem.”

  So Pee Air started reading. . . .

  Your face is like the sun,

  shining there so bright.

  Your smile is like the sunrise

  at the end of night.

  Your eyes are like the ocean,

  where fishes swim and play.

  Your heart and mine are one,

  on this, our Valentine’s Day.

  Pee Air sat down. Everybody started clapping. Andrea looked like she was going to cry tears of happiness. All the other girls were making goo-goo eyes at Pee Air.

  “That was beautiful, Pee Air,” said Mr. Granite. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

  Oh man! Everybody liked Pee Air again! It was like he never said all that stuff about snot and vomit and underwear and head lice. Bummer in the summer!