Miss Brown Is Upside Down! Read online

  “Wow,” I said. “This bridge is cool!”

  “You kids are so creative!” said Miss Brown.

  “We should give the bridge a name,” suggested Ryan. “How about the Bridge of Death?”

  “Yeah!” agreed all the boys.

  “You already got to name the car,” complained Andrea. “The girls should get to name the bridge. That’s only fair. I say we should call it the Bridge of Love.”

  Ugh, disgusting! Andrea said the L word!

  “I agree with Andrea,” said Emily, who always agrees with Andrea.

  “Andrea is right,” said Miss Brown. “The girls should get to name the bridge.”

  “Yeah!” shouted all the girls.

  And that’s how our bridge came to be called the Bridge of Love.

  “Next we have to see how much weight our bridge can hold,” said Miss Brown. “We’ll do that after lunch when the glue has dried. Who’s the lightest person in the class?”

  Nobody knew who was the lightest person in the class. So Miss Brown called our nurse, Mrs. Cooney, on the intercom. She has a scale in the nurse’s office, and Mrs. Cooney said we could come down there and weigh ourselves.

  After lunch we went to Mrs. Cooney’s office. Each of us got on the scale, and Mrs. Cooney called out the numbers. I weighed sixty-six pounds. Michael weighed sixty-nine pounds. Ryan weighed fifty-eight pounds. The lightest person in the class was Emily. She weighed fifty-one pounds.

  “Emily,” said Miss Brown. “When we go back to the classroom, will you please stand on the Bridge of Love to see if it can support your weight?”

  “I’m scared!” said Emily, who’s scared of everything.

  “It will be fine, Emily,” said Andrea. “The Bridge of Love is really strong.”

  Emily looked all scared as we walked back to our classroom. When we got there, she put one foot on the Bridge of Love, really carefully. It seemed to hold her up, so she put her other foot on the bridge.

  “See?” said Miss Brown. “The bridge is holding you up, Emily! It just goes to show that we don’t need bricks to build a strong structure.”

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  The Bridge of Love collapsed!

  Emily fell down!

  Toothpicks went flying everywhere!

  Emily was on the floor, freaking out. Her hair was full of toothpicks and glue. She went running out of the room.

  Sheesh, get a grip! All she did was fall through a bridge.

  I think we need to do a little more work on the Bridge of Love.

  Finally, after a week, we were ready for the Brain Games. We fixed the Death Machine (complete with rocket launcher) so it was easier to steer. We rebuilt the Bridge of Love so Emily could stand on it without crushing it. The only thing we had to worry about was the general knowledge part of the Brain Games.

  “Don’t worry,” said Andrea. “I memorized the dictionary and the encyclopedia.”

  The Brain Games were held on Friday night. We had to hold them at Dirk School because their auditorium has a bigger stage. We loaded up our props and rode a bus over to Dirk.

  When we pulled up to the front of the school, guess who was standing there? It was Morgan Brocklebank. She’s this third-grade girl who is the star of the Dirk School TV station. She does their morning announcements every day.

  “Well, well, well,” Morgan Brocklebank said when she saw us get off the bus. “If it isn’t the kids from Ella Mentry School. Are you ready to lose?”

  “Your face is gonna lose!” I said, pointing my finger at her.

  “Oh, yeah?” Morgan Brocklebank replied. “I don’t think so. We’re going to PizzaWorld.”

  “You’re going to LoserLand!” Ryan told her.

  Miss Brown got between us and Morgan Brocklebank.

  “Enough of that,” she warned.

  I had never been to Dirk School before. It was big. We had to walk a million hundred miles to the auditorium. When we got there, all the seats were filled. Besides the Dirk students, it looked like their parents, grandparents, nephews, nieces, aunts, and uncles were there. Our parents were in the audience, too, but there were only a few of them.

  “It looks like Dork School has homefield advantage,” Alexia said.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Miss Brown assured us. “You’re going to do fine.”

  When our team and the Dirk team got up onstage, everybody clapped their hands.* Then some guy climbed up onstage. I recognized him right away. It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education.

  I used to think Mr. Klutz was important, like he was the king of the school. But if Mr. Klutz is the king of the school, then Dr. Carbles is the king of the world. He probably sits on a throne and has servants fan him with feathers. I saw that in a movie once.

  “Welcome to the Brain Games,” Dr. Carbles said into the microphone. “This competition is sponsored by the Jiggly gelatin company. It jiggles, so you know it’s good.”

  Dr. Carbles introduced Mr. Klutz and Mr. Wilson, who is the principal of Dirk School. They got up onstage and shook hands. I remembered that Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz went to high school together, so they’ve known each other for a long time.

  “On the left we have the third-grade students from Ella Mentry School,” said Dr. Carbles.

  Our parents clapped and cheered.

  “And on the right we have the third-grade students from Dirk School,” said Dr. Carbles.

  The whole audience yelled and screamed and shrieked and hooted and hollered. I looked across the stage at Morgan Brocklebank. She was giving me the evil eye.

  “Round one of the Brain Games will be a test of general knowledge,” said Dr. Carbles. “But first, a few short words from our sponsor . . .”

  The lights were dimmed, and a giant video screen came down in the middle of the stage. Then this man and lady appeared on the screen. They were way too smiley.

  “Do you like eating things?” the man asked. “Who doesn’t, right? If we didn’t eat things, we’d die.”

  “And do you like drinking liquids?” the lady asked. “Everybody does. In fact, if we didn’t drink liquids, we would die.”

  “The only thing better than eating and drinking,” said the man, “is when you can eat and drink at the same time!”

  “That’s why our whole family loves Jiggly gelatin,” said the lady. “It’s a complete meal in a bowl.”

  “Jiggly has all the essential vitamins and nutrients you need for a healthy lifestyle,” said the man. “It contains no sugar, no fat, and no cholesterol. It helps you lose weight, sleep better, see better, look younger, and grow hair; and Jiggly even cures all major diseases.”

  “Not only that, but Jiggly comes in all the colors of the rainbow, and it tastes great!” said the lady. “But the best part is, it’s fun to eat because it jiggles! Right, kids?”

  The camera pulled back to show three kids sitting on the floor.

  “Right!” the kids shouted. “It’s so jiggly, it makes you giggly!”

  Then they all started laughing way too hard.

  “Who wants some Jiggly right now?” asked the parents.

  “I do!” shouted the kids.

  Then the whole family dug into a big bowl of Jiggly as if none of them had eaten in weeks.

  The lights came back on.

  Man, that commercial was lame.

  “Round one of the Brain Games is about general knowledge,” announced Dr. Carbles. “Representing Ella Mentry School will be two members of their gifted and talented program, A.J. and Andrea.”

  My parents and Andrea’s parents clapped their hands.

  “And representing Dirk School will be Morgan Brocklebank and Tommy Smith.”

  The whole audience erupted in applause like they had just won the Super Bowl. That kid Tommy looked like a real doofus.

  Miss Brown attached little microphones to my shirt and Andrea’s shirt and gave each of us a buzzer to hold. She told us to push the button
if we were able to answer a question.

  “You can do this,” Miss Brown whispered to us. “Be quick, and be smart.” Then she got off the stage.

  “Is everybody ready?” asked Dr. Carbles.

  “Ready!” we all replied.

  “Okay. Question number one,” said Dr. Carbles. “Who was the first president of the United States?”

  Any dumbhead knows that.

  Bzzzzzz!

  I pushed the button on my buzzer, but Morgan Brocklebank buzzed in first.

  “George Washington!” she shouted.

  “Right!” said Dr. Carbles. “That’s ten points for Dirk School.”

  “I knew that,” Andrea whispered to me.

  “Well, hit your buzzer!” I whispered back at her.

  “Question two,” said Dr. Carbles. “In what year—”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “1776!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank.

  “That’s right!” said Dr. Carbles. “Ten more points for Dirk.”

  “What?! That’s not fair!” I complained. “We didn’t even get the chance to hear the question!”

  “You snooze, you lose,” said Morgan Brocklebank.

  That kid Tommy next to her was just standing there with his finger up his nose. He was no help at all.

  “Dirk School now has twenty points, and Ella Mentry School has zero,” said Dr. Carbles. “Next question. Who invented—”

  Bzzzzzz!

  Ha-ha! I buzzed in before Morgan Brocklebank did.

  “Thomas Edison!” I shouted.

  “Oh, sorry, no,” said Dr. Carbles. “Thomas Edison is not correct. The question is, Who invented the Franklin stove?”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “Franklin!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank.

  “That’s right! Ten more points for Dirk School. It is now thirty to zero,” said Dr. Carbles. “Next question. Name a greenhouse gas that is flammable and comes from cow farts.”

  What?! What kind of a question was that?

  Bzzzzzz!

  “Methane!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank. “It’s very bad for the environment.”

  “That’s right!” said Dr. Carbles.

  Methane? I never even heard of methane. How did she know that?

  “The score is now forty to zero,” said Dr. Carbles.

  This was humiliating! Morgan Brocklebank kept answering all the questions right. Those Dirk dorks were crushing us. Their parents were yelling and screaming. Nose picker Tommy was all excited about winning, as if he had anything to do with it.

  “I thought you memorized the whole dictionary and the encyclopedia,” I whispered to Andrea.

  “I did!” she whispered back. “I know all these answers. Morgan is just faster than I am.”

  Andrea was useless. It looked like it was going to be up to me. I tightened my grip on the buzzer. There was no way I was going to let Morgan Brocklebank and her little nose-picking buddy beat us.

  “Who wrote Little Women?” asked Dr. Carbles.

  Bzzzzzz!

  “A really short lady,” I shouted.

  “Incorrect,” said Dr. Carbles. “Why do we have tides?”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “My mother runs out of laundry detergent and has to buy more,” I shouted.

  “Sorry, tides are caused by the moon,” said Dr. Carbles. “What animal—”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “Penguins!” I shouted.

  “No, the correct answer is elephants.”

  “Arlo, you’re getting them all wrong!” Andrea whispered to me. “Slow down! You need to wait until he finishes asking the question!”

  “If I wait until he finishes asking the question, Morgan Brocklebank will beat me to the buzzer!” I told her.

  “What state makes the most pencils?” asked Dr. Carbles.

  Bzzzzzz!

  “Pennsylvania!” I shouted.

  “Wrong. Who developed the Dewey decimal system?”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “Mr. Decimal,” I shouted.

  “Oh, so close,” said Dr. Carbles. “It was Mr. Dewey. Nice try. And now it’s time for our final question. What was Shakespeare’s first name?”

  Bzzzzzz!

  “William!” Andrea shouted.

  “That’s right!” said Dr. Carbles. “That’s ten points for Ella Mentry School.”

  “It’s about time!” I told Andrea.

  Round one was over. I put down my buzzer. My hand was all sweaty.

  “The score is a hundred points for Dirk School and ten points for Ella Mentry School,” announced Dr. Carbles.

  Bummer in the summer! It was the worst moment of my life. Morgan Brocklebank sneered at me from across the stage and mouthed the words “in your face!”

  “We lost because of you!” I told Andrea. “Why didn’t you hit your buzzer?”

  “No, we lost because of you, Arlo!” Andrea told me. “You need to think before you give an answer.”

  “You probably don’t even want to go to PizzaWorld.”

  “I do too!”

  We went back and forth like that for a while. Then Miss Brown climbed up on the stage. She put her arms around both of us.

  “Calm down,” she said. “Anybody can answer silly trivia questions. It takes creativity to win the Brain Games. We still have plenty of time to catch up.”

  “It’s time for us to move to round two,” said Dr. Carbles.

  Round two would be worth a hundred points, and it was winner take all. We were going to compete to see which team’s bridge could support the most weight.

  Miss Brown helped us all carry the Bridge of Love out onto the stage. Then we watched as the Dirk kids brought out their bridge.

  “Look at that!” Ryan said. “Their bridge is amazing!”

  He was right. The Dirk bridge was ten times bigger than the Bridge of Love. Our bridge was sort of like a plain old plank that you would put across a little stream. Their bridge looked like a real bridge that you could drive a car over. They even decorated it with little road signs.

  “Oh no, we’re finished,” moaned Alexia. “We might as well just give up now.”

  “Think positive!” Miss Brown told us. “It doesn’t matter which bridge looks better. The only thing that matters is how much weight it can support.”

  Dr. Carbles walked around the stage, looking at both bridges. Then he asked us to tell the audience what materials we used to build them.

  “We made our bridge out of toothpicks,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “We made our bridge out of matchsticks,” said Morgan Brocklebank.

  “Very creative!” said Dr. Carbles. “Now it’s time to see which bridge is stronger.”

  Some big guys who looked like weight lifters came out carrying a bunch of barbells. They lined them up across the stage. Dr. Carbles told them to put the lightest barbell on the Dirk bridge. Then he told them to take the barbell off and put it on the Bridge of Love.

  “Both bridges easily support twenty pounds,” Dr. Carbles announced. “Very good. Let’s see if they can handle thirty pounds.”

  The weight lifters put the next barbell on the Dirk bridge. Then they put it on the Bridge of Love. Neither of the bridges collapsed.

  “Both bridges can hold thirty pounds,” Dr. Carbles announced. “Next?”

  The weight lifters put the forty-pound barbell on, and both of the bridges were able to hold it up.

  “This is when things get interesting,” announced Dr. Carbles as the guys went to get the fifty-pound barbell.

  I was nervous. We all were. Emily weighs fifty-one pounds, and our first bridge couldn’t hold her. But when the weight lifters put the fifty-pound barbell on the Bridge of Love, it held up just fine.

  “Both bridges can support fifty pounds,” Dr. Carbles announced. “Let’s keep going.”

  Sixty pounds. Seventy pounds!

  Those barbells looked heavy, but both bridges were still standing.

  “It’s holding up!” Andrea said excitedly.

  “The Bridge of Love is
amazing!” said Emily.

  Eighty pounds! It was so exciting! We were all on pins and needles.

  Well, not really. We were just standing there on the stage. If we had been on pins and needles, it would have hurt.

  Ninety pounds!

  Everybody wanted to know which bridge would win. The tension was unbearable. There was electricity in the air.

  Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we all would have been electrocuted.

  “Bring out the one-hundred-pound barbell,” ordered Dr. Carbles.

  The weight lifters brought out a huge barbell and carefully rested it on our little Bridge of Love.

  It held up! I couldn’t believe it.

  Then they picked up the hundred-pound barbell and lowered it onto the Dirk bridge.

  Crunch! Crash!

  The bridge collapsed! Matchsticks went flying everywhere! The audience groaned.

  “Ella Mentry School wins round two!” announced Dr. Carbles.

  “You did it!” shouted Miss Brown.

  We were all yelling and screaming and freaking out. It was the greatest moment of my life! I looked across the stage at Morgan Brocklebank and mouthed the words “nah-nah-nah boo-boo.”

  “Great job, both teams,” said Dr. Carbles. “The score is now 110 to 100 in favor of Ella Mentry School. Let’s move on to round three.”

  Round three was called “Spontaneous.” I had no idea what that meant, but Little Miss Know-It-All told me spontaneous means “making stuff up on the spot.”

  Dr. Carbles went over to speak into the microphone.

  “In round three,” he announced, “each team has to write a poem . . .”

  Oh no. Everybody looked at me.

  “Arlo, you’re good at writing poems,” said Andrea.

  “I am not.”

  Actually, I am good at writing poems. That was how I got into the gifted and talented program in the first place. I just don’t like poetry.

  “. . . and the poem,” said Dr. Carbles, “must be about garbage.”

  WHAT?!

  Dr. Carbles said we would have two minutes to write down our poem. Miss Brown gave us a pad and a pen. We huddled together like a football team.