My Weirder-est School #3 Read online

  “Maybe Dr. Floss kidnapped the real dentist who was supposed to visit our school,” said Ryan.

  “Yeah,” I said, “the real dentist is probably tied to some railroad tracks right now, and a train is coming. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

  “I’m scared,” repeated Emily. “I’m afraid my tooth is going to fall out any minute. I can feel it with my tongue.”

  “I’m going to go get Dr. Floss,” Andrea said, and then she went running into the school.

  “Do you think Dr. Floss is going to pull out my loose tooth?” Emily asked us.

  “Sure,” I told her. “That’s what dentists do. They love it when kids have loose teeth.”

  “Your parents are going to have to pay Dr. Floss a lot of money to pull out that tooth,” Neil told Emily.

  “How much do you think it will cost?” asked Emily.

  “I don’t know,” said Ryan. “How much does a car cost?”

  “About a million dollars,” I guessed.

  I have no idea how much a car costs, but I know they cost a lot of money.

  “What a scam,” said Alexia. “If you don’t do anything, your loose tooth will just fall out on its own at some point.”

  That’s when I got a great idea.

  “You don’t need Dr. Floss, you know,” I told Emily. “We can pull out that loose tooth for you.”

  “You can?”

  “Sure,” I said, unrolling my yo-yo. “Look. We can just put the loop at the end of this string around your loose tooth, give the yo-yo a good yank, and your tooth will pop right out.”

  “Are you sure?” asked Emily. She looked nervous.

  “Sure I’m sure,” I said. “Easy peasy. And you won’t have to pay Dr. Floss a dime.”

  “What a great idea!” said Alexia. “A.J., you should get the Nobel Prize.”

  That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.

  “Well, okay I guess,” said Emily.

  Alexia tried to put the loop of the yo-yo string around Emily’s loose tooth. She was struggling with it.*

  “The yo-yo string is too thick,” Alexia said. “The loop won’t fit around the tooth.”

  Hmmm. Every problem has a solution. That’s what my parents always tell me. And that’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

  “Dental floss!” I shouted.

  I took the dental floss that Molar Monkey gave me out of my pocket and unspooled it. It stretched all the way to the swing set. Alexia tied one end of the dental floss to Emily’s loose tooth. Dental floss is much thinner than yo-yo string, so it slipped right on.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” said Ryan. “Why don’t we tie the other end of the dental floss to a swing and have somebody sit on the swing? When they swing forward, it’ll pull out the tooth.”

  “You’re a genius!” said Michael.

  Ryan should really be in the gifted and talented program. He tied the end of the dental floss to the swing. Alexia climbed onto the swing. We moved Emily behind the swing so there was just a little slack on the dental floss.

  “I’m scared,” said Emily.

  “There’s nothing to worry about,” I assured her. “This is the same thing Dr. Floss would do. But we’re doing it for free. Is everybody ready?”

  “Ready!” everybody shouted.

  “Open your mouth, Emily!” shouted Neil.

  Emily opened her mouth.

  “On your mark!” I shouted. “Get set! SWING!”

  Alexia picked up her feet and swung forward. The line of dental floss got tight. Then something went flying out of Emily’s mouth.

  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” Emily shouted. “My tooth fell out!”

  “Of course your tooth fell out,” I told her. “That’s what it was supposed to do.”

  You should have been there! We all clapped because our genius plan had worked perfectly. But Emily was yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out.

  “I’ve got to do something!” she yelled, and then she went running into the school.

  Sheesh! Get a grip! What a crybaby.

  I thought we might get in trouble for pulling out Emily’s tooth. But when we went back to Mr. Cooper’s class after recess, nobody said a word. Emily and Andrea were just sitting there with their hands folded, like always.

  “Okay, we wasted the whole morning, so now it’s time to get to work,” said Mr. Cooper. “Turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Dr. Floss came running into the room. She wasn’t wearing her dentist uniform anymore. She was dressed up in some weird superhero costume with a big letter P on the front. And she had a dog with her.

  “It is I,” she announced, “the evil supervillain Captain Plaque! And this is my dog, Tartar!”

  The dog barked.

  “Cool!” we all shouted.

  Mr. Cooper rubbed his forehead with his fingers and closed his math book.

  “Bwaaa-ha-ha!” shouted Dr. Floss in an evil supervillain voice. “Plaque has bacteria that grows when your food mixes with saliva in your mouth. It leads to cavities, and I love cavities. Isn’t that right, Tartar?”

  The dog barked again.

  Tartar? Isn’t that the stuff you put on fish sticks? I was going to say that, but then something even weirder happened. Another superhero came running into the room!

  She was wearing a mask and she had a big letter F on the front of her uniform. Oh, and she was carrying a giant inflatable toothbrush.

  “Oh no!” shouted Captain Plaque. “My archenemy is here!”

  “Is it the Flash?” asked Ryan.

  “No,” said Captain Plaque.

  “Is it one of the Fantastic Four?” asked Alexia.

  “No,” said Captain Plaque.

  “It is I,” announced the superhero with the F on her uniform. “Fluoride! I fight a constant battle for good dental hygiene.”

  “Fluoride?” we all asked.

  “Who can tell me what fluoride is?” asked Fluoride.

  “Disney World is in Fluoride,” I said.

  “That’s Florida, you dumbhead!” said Andrea. “Fluoride is a mineral that helps strengthen your teeth. It’s in toothpaste.”

  “That’s right!” said Fluoride.

  Why can’t a truck full of fluoride fall on Andrea’s head?

  If you ask me, that Fluoride lady sounded a lot like our librarian, Mrs. Roopy. She’s always dressing up in weird costumes.

  “Are you Mrs. Roopy in disguise?” I asked.

  “Roopy?” said Fluoride. “Never heard of her. I’m Fluoride, nature’s cavity fighter. Plaque is bad for you, and tartar is hard plaque that can grow on your teeth. It comes from the things you eat and drink. That’s why it’s so important to have a healthy diet to prevent cavities.”

  “Cavities are good things!” shouted Captain Plaque. “They give dentists lots of work so they can buy new cars. Isn’t that right, Tartar?”

  The dog barked.

  “I thought tartar was that stuff you put on fish sticks,” I said.

  “That’s tartar sauce, dumbhead!” said Andrea.

  Those things should really have different names.

  “Tartar and I are here to destroy your teeth,” shouted Captain Plaque.

  “Not if I can help it!” shouted Fluoride. “Stand back, kids!”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Fluoride hit Captain Plaque over the head with her giant inflatable toothbrush! Then Captain Plaque karate-chopped Fluoride!

  “It’s time for another plaque attack!” shouted Captain Plaque.

  “No!” shouted Fluoride. “Captain Plaque is wack!”

  Watching the two of them fight was cool. Meanwhile, Tartar just stood there, barking.

  “I don’t approve of all this violence,” said Andrea. “It’s a bad influence on children.”
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  “What do you have against violins?” I asked.

  “Not violins, Arlo! Violence!”

  I was just yanking Andrea’s chain. Captain Plaque and Fluoride were going at it pretty good. Finally Fluoride knocked Captain Plaque down with her giant toothbrush. Everybody cheered.

  “Hit the road, Plaque,” said Fluoride, “and don’t you come back no more.”*

  Captain Plaque slinked out of the room with Tartar, and we cheered some more. Fluoride gave each of us one of those little timers that have sand in them and told us we should always brush our teeth for two minutes.

  “I will fight plaque and tartar wherever I find them,” said Fluoride. “Farewell! I must take my leave.”

  Why would she take leaves? We don’t even have any leaves to take. There’s no tree in the classroom.

  Fluoride took a bow and we all clapped again. Then she climbed out the window.

  That was weird.

  A few minutes later, Dr. Floss came back in the room. She wasn’t dressed up like Captain Plaque anymore.

  “I’d like to introduce a surprise guest who is going to read you a story,” she told us. “Please give a warm welcome to my good friend . . . the Tooth Fairy!”

  Some big lady came dancing into the room. She was wearing a yellow tutu, wings, high heels, and a crown on top of her long blond hair. In her hand was a magic wand with a star at the end of it.

  Well, I thought she was a lady, anyway. She looked a lot like our principal, Mr. Klutz. But he has no hair at all. I mean none. Mr. Klutz would look good with long blond hair.

  “Hi boys and girls!” the Tooth Fairy said.

  The Tooth Fairy sounded a lot like Mr. Klutz too.

  “You have a pretty low voice for a fairy,” I said. “Are you sure you’re not Mr. Klutz in disguise?”

  “Klutz?” said the Tooth Fairy, adjusting her hair. “Never heard of him. I’m the Tooth Fairy.”

  “I’m so glad you could join us on National Dessert Day,” said Dr. Floss. “Please tell the kids what you do.”

  “Well,” said the Tooth Fairy, “when a kid loses one of their baby teeth and leaves it under their pillow at night, I sneak into their bedroom and replace the lost tooth with money.”

  I wasn’t buying any of that. Neither was anybody else.

  “How do you sneak into people’s houses?” asked Neil.

  “I . . . uh . . . climb in through the chimney,” said the Tooth Fairy. “Like Santa Claus. Hey, would you kids like to hear a story?”

  “Don’t you get dirty climbing through people’s chimneys?” asked Ryan.

  “What if somebody lives in an apartment building?” asked Michael.

  “This is a really fun story,” said the Tooth Fairy, taking out a book.

  “Isn’t it illegal to break into people’s houses without permission?” asked Alexia.

  “I . . . uh . . . never thought about it,” admitted the Tooth Fairy. She rubbed her forehead.

  “Did anyone ever call the cops on you?” I asked. “Did you ever go to jail?”

  “No!” replied the Tooth Fairy. “I just give money to kids when their baby teeth fall out! And by the way, if your tooth is a perfect tooth, I’ll give you a dollar. If your tooth is all decayed, I’ll only give you a nickel. So take good care of your baby teeth.”

  Everybody started buzzing, but not really, because we’re not bees.

  “A nickel?”

  “That’s it?”

  “The Tooth Fairy is cheap!”

  “Hey, the more teeth fall out, the more money I pay,” said the Tooth Fairy.

  “I might as well knock all my teeth out at once,” said Ryan. “Ka-ching!”

  “Look, do you kids want to hear the story, or not?” asked the Tooth Fairy.

  I was still pretty sure the Tooth Fairy was Mr. Klutz. He started to read us a picture book. . . .

  “Once upon a time, there was a little boy who was afraid of going to the dentist and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . .”*

  What a snoozefest. That story went on for a hundred million minutes. I thought I was gonna die from old age. It was about some kid who was afraid of going to the dentist, and on the last page of the story he suddenly gets confident and he’s not afraid of going to the dentist anymore.

  Gee, what a surprise! Like we couldn’t predict that was going to happen.

  “Hey, I heard that Emily lost a baby tooth today,” said the Tooth Fairy. “Emily, will you come up here?”

  Emily ran up to the front of the room. The Tooth Fairy leaned forward to give Emily a dollar bill. But that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The Tooth Fairy’s long blond hair fell off!

  The Tooth Fairy was completely bald!

  “You are Mr. Klutz!” I shouted.

  “No, I’m the Tooth Fairy,” Mr. Klutz yelled. And then he went running out of the room.

  That was weird. And Mr. Klutz is nuts. But he gave me a great idea. There should be a Hair Fairy who sneaks around in the middle of the night giving money to men when their hair falls out. Ka-ching! If there was a Hair Fairy, my dad would be rich.

  “Well, that was fun,” said Dr. Floss. “I have to go to another class now, but I’ll see you kids later, at my favorite time of day.”

  “When is your favorite time of day?” Andrea asked.

  “Two thirty,” she said. “Get it? Tooth hurty? That’s another dental joke!”

  Everybody laughed even though she didn’t say anything funny.

  National Dessert Day was winding down. It was almost time for dismissal.

  “Okay, finally we can get some work done,” said Mr. Cooper. “Turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  And you’ll never believe who poked her head into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! If you poked your head into a door, you might chip a tooth. And it would hurt. Didn’t we go over that in Chapter Three? But you’ll never believe who poked her head into the doorway.

  It was Dr. Floss, of course.*

  “Is it tooth hurty yet?” she asked. “I mean, two thirty?”

  Mr. Cooper rubbed his forehead.

  “I have more free stuff to give away!” Dr. Floss announced.

  “Yay!” everybody shouted, because everybody loves getting free stuff even though our parents pay for everything anyway.

  I figured that Dr. Floss would be giving out free skateboards or footballs or something cool like that. But instead, she passed out toothbrushes. Bummer in the summer! She also passed out these teeny tiny tubes of toothpaste. I guess they’re for brushing teeny tiny teeth.

  “These are just souvenirs,” Dr. Floss told us. “Don’t brush your teeth with them. Remember, if you brush your teeth, you won’t get cavities. And if you don’t get cavities, you won’t need me. And if you don’t need me, I won’t be able to buy a new car.”

  “You’re just joking about that, right?” asked Andrea. “You really want us to brush our teeth, don’t you?”

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Dr. Floss replied. “But wasn’t National Dessert Day fun?”

  “Yes!” shouted all the girls.

  “No!” shouted all the boys.

  “There’s just one more thing I need to do before you kids leave for the day,” she told us.

  “What?”

  “Look in your mouth,” she said.

  “I can’t look in my mouth,” I said. “It’s part of my head.”

  “No, I mean I need to look in your mouth,” said Dr. Floss.

  Oh. That’s different. Dr. Floss had us all line up. She gave each of us a little tablet to chew on. She said the tablets had vegetable dye in them so she would be able to see if we have a lot of plaque on our teeth.

  “I hope you kids have lots of plaque and some nice cavities,” Dr. Floss said as she passed out the tablets. “If you do, I may ask you to come to my office after school today. Tell your moms and dads to bring their checkbo
oks and credit cards, because it’s going to cost them a lot of money. New cars are expensive, you know.”

  I chewed the tablet. It tasted kind of bitter.

  “I’ve never had a cavity,” bragged Andrea, who has to be the best at everything all the time. Dr. Floss said Andrea could go first.

  “Open wide and say ah!”

  “Ahhh . . .” said Andrea.

  Dr. Floss took a little flashlight out of her pocket and looked around in Andrea’s mouth with a stick that had a little mirror on the end.

  “You have a lovely mouth, Andrea,” she said. “No cavities in here, darn it.”

  “I knew it!” said Andrea.

  Dr. Floss gave her a lollipop.

  “If you eat enough lollipops,” Dr. Floss told Andrea, “you’ll get a mouth full of cavities.”

  No fair! I wanted a lollipop.

  Next it was Ryan’s turn. Dr. Floss looked in his mouth with the little mirror.

  “Ahhh . . .”

  “You have a beautiful smile, Ryan,” she said, and gave him a lollipop too.

  “Thank you!” Ryan said.

  Next it was Neil’s turn. Dr. Floss looked in his mouth. Then she took out her wallet and pulled out a dollar.

  “Here’s a dollar,” she told Neil as she handed him the bill and a lollipop.

  “Thanks!” Neil said. “But why are you giving me a dollar?”

  “Because you have buck teeth!” said Dr. Floss. “Get it? Buck teeth? A dollar? That’s a dental joke.”

  Everybody laughed even though she didn’t say anything funny.

  Next it was Alexia’s turn. Dr. Floss looked in her mouth.

  “Ahhh . . .”

  “Clean as a whistle. No cavities,” Dr. Floss said as she handed Alexia a lollipop. Those lollipops looked good.

  Next it was Michael’s turn. Dr. Floss looked in his mouth.

  “Ahhh . . .”

  “No cavities here, darn it!” said Dr. Floss as she gave him a lollipop.

  “You kids need to eat more candy and junk food. You don’t have any cavities. It looks like I won’t be able to buy a new car after all.”

  After a million hundred minutes, finally it was my turn.