Ms. Todd Is Odd! Read online

  “What if you forced somebody to eat the eraser?” asked Ryan. He is always thinking about eating stuff that is not food. Ryan is weird.

  “Did you find the murder weapon yet?” Michael asked us.

  “No,” I said. “Did you find a strand of Ms. Todd’s hair?”

  “No,” he said.

  “So what do we do now?” asked Ryan.

  “We’ll have to question Ms. Todd,” Michael told us. “We need to find out where she was two days ago, the last time Miss Daisy was seen alive.”

  We had to stop snooping around because Ms. Todd and the kids from our class came in. She told us all to sit down and then she started talking about Flag Day. Some countries have really dumb flags.***. I think she made some of them up.

  “Does anyone have any questions?” Ms. Todd finally asked.

  “I do,” I said. “Where were you two days ago?”

  “I beg your pardon?” asked Ms. Todd.

  “You heard me,” I said. “Where were you two days ago?”

  “What does that have to do with Flag Day?” she asked.

  “Don’t want to answer, eh?” I said. “Then you must be guilty.”

  “Guilty of what?” Ms. Todd said. “It’s none of your business where I was two days ago.”

  “If you won’t answer the questions,” I said, “we’re going to need your hair.”

  “My hair?” asked Ms. Todd. “Why?”

  “We need to run a DNA test so we can get the goods on you and throw you in the slammer.”

  I took my scissors out of my pencil box.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” said Ms. Todd.

  “Give me your DNA,” I insisted, getting up from my desk.

  “No!” said Ms. Todd, backing away from me.

  “She’s getting away!” yelled Michael.

  So I did the only thing I could do. I started chasing Ms. Todd around the classroom.

  “A.J. is going crazy!” shouted Andrea.

  “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily.

  “Never run with scissors!” yelled Ms. Todd.

  “Get her, Ryan!” shouted Michael, and the three of us chased Ms. Todd around the classroom. It was a real Kodak moment.

  “You’re under arrest for the murder of Miss Daisy!” Ryan yelled.

  “You kids are crazy!” yelled Ms. Todd.

  “Admit it!” I yelled. “You’re a killer robot clone! You want to take over the world!”

  “Help!” yelled Ms. Todd.

  “You have the right to remain silent,” Michael said. “Anything you say will be used against you.”

  “You’re a bunch of little monsters!” Ms. Todd yelled. “I quit! I don’t want to be a teacher anymore!”

  Then she ran out the door. It was cool. You should have been there.

  Ms. Todd is odd.

  9

  The Truth About Ms. Todd

  After Ms. Todd ran away, none of us said anything for a million hundred seconds. I had never heard of a sub who freaked out and went nuts before. And we got to see it live and in person.

  But now that killer robot clone was on the loose. If we chased her out of school and around the parking lot, though, we’d be in big trouble.

  That’s when I thought of something. Ms. Todd forgot to take that piece of paper she was always writing on! I could grab it and hide it so nobody would ever know about all the bad stuff I did while we had a sub.

  What a genius idea. No wonder I’m gifted and talented.

  I went over to Miss Daisy’s desk.

  “You better leave that paper alone, A.J.,” said Andrea.

  “Mind your own beeswax, Andrea.”

  I found the piece of paper Ms. Todd had been writing on.

  “You’re going to be in big trouble, A.J.,” said Andrea.

  I picked up the piece of paper.

  “I’m telling, A.J.,” said Andrea.

  I looked at the piece of paper.

  All the other kids got out of their seats and gathered around me. Even Andrea.

  This is what the piece of paper said….

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. This is what it said:

  TITLE: My Wacky School By Arlene Todd

  CHARACTERS: Boy who hates school. Smart girl.

  BEGINNING: Sub arrives. Kids cough when she turns her back. Kids switch names to confuse sub. Kids tease each other. Kids are annoying.

  MIDDLE: Kids call each other “dumbhead.” Teacher says she reads all the time. See who can hit the softest. Kid would throw chocolate cones away because he likes mint chip. Picture of alien spaceships attacking school. Contest to see who can be the least competitive. Sub isn’t sure she can make it through the day.

  ENDING:

  “Hey,” I said, “this isn’t a report for Miss Daisy!”

  “Of course not, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “Ms. Todd was writing a children’s book! She was going to call it My Wacky School! And it was going to be about our class! We could have been famous! You messed it up, A.J. Now, thanks to you, everything is ruined.”

  “So is your face,” I said.

  Well, maybe Ms. Todd wasn’t a robot after all. But she was a terrible teacher. And she murdered Miss Daisy, who was nice.

  I wouldn’t want to be in some dumb children’s book anyway.

  10

  Our Best Behavior

  After Ms. Todd freaked out and ran away, we all agreed not to tell anyone what happened. Even Andrea. Our lips were sealed. (But not with glue. That would have been weird.) We decided to be on our best behavior so nobody would know what we did.

  We were all sitting there with our hands folded (but not like a piece of paper) when Mr. Klutz rushed in with his bald head. He was wearing a jacket and tie.

  “I have an important meeting to get to,” he said. “What’s going on in here? What did you kids do to Ms. Todd? I’ve never seen anyone run through the parking lot so fast.”

  “We didn’t do anything,” said Ryan.

  “She just freaked out,” said Michael. “We had nothing to do with it.”

  I looked over at Andrea to make sure she wasn’t going to blab.

  “What happened, A.J.?” demanded Mr. Klutz. “Something tells me you had something to do with this.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.

  “I think maybe Ms. Todd decided to enter the Olympics,” I said. “She is a really fast runner, and she was going to run a few laps around the—”

  But I never had the chance to finish my sentence. Because at that moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. The door opened.

  Well, actually that wasn’t the amazing part, because doors open all the time. The amazing part was who walked in the door.

  Well, actually nobody walked in the door. If somebody walked in the door, it would hurt. You walk in a doorway.

  Anyway, the most amazing thing in the history of the world was the person who walked in the doorway.

  It was Miss Daisy!

  11

  Playing Dumb

  “Miss Daisy!” we all shouted. “You’re not dead!”

  “Of course I’m not dead,” she said, blowing her nose. “I had the sniffles. There’s something going around, you know.”

  Even though Miss Daisy was sick, we all got up and hugged her. I was glad she was back so we could stop learning stuff.

  “Where did Ms. Todd go?” asked Emily, like she was all worried.

  “I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy. “Somebody in the office said she freaked out. What did you kids do to her?”

  “Nothing!” we all lied.

  “It was like she just disappeared,” I said. “We didn’t chase her with scissors or anything.”

  “Ms. Todd never even said good-bye,” said Andrea. “That wasn’t very nice.”

  “I think she went to try out for the Olympics,” said Michael.

  “Ms. Todd was a terrible teacher,”
said Ryan. “All she wanted to do was teach us stuff.”

  “It must have been horrible!” said Miss Daisy.

  Suddenly I figured it all out. It was like in the cartoons when a lightbulb appears on top of somebody’s head so you know they had a great idea. Well, I had a great idea. I finally figured out what really happened.

  It wasn’t that Ms. Todd murdered Miss Daisy. It was that Miss Daisy murdered Ms. Todd!

  Now it all made sense. Everything fit together. Miss Daisy probably suspected that Ms. Todd knew a lot of stuff to teach us. She was afraid that Ms. Todd knew so much stuff that Mr. Klutz might hire her to take over Miss Daisy’s job. So Miss Daisy murdered Ms. Todd. She was just playing dumb so we wouldn’t suspect her. Very clever!

  Only a kid who is gifted and talented could figure out complicated stuff like this.

  “Miss Daisy,” I said, “you’re under arrest.”

  “What for?” she asked.

  “For the murder of Ms. Todd!” I said.

  Everybody in the class gasped.

  “Are you out of your mind, A.J.?” said Miss Daisy. “Why would I murder Ms. Todd?”

  “Because you thought she was going to take your job,” I said.

  “That’s ridiculous, A.J.,” said Miss Daisy.

  “You’ve been playing dumb for too long,” I told her. “We’re onto you. You’re a murderer!”

  “I am not!”

  “Oh yeah?” I said. “It’s funny how you walked in here just a few minutes after Ms. Todd ran out,” I said. “You must have murdered Ms. Todd right in the parking lot!”

  “I wasn’t even in the parking lot!” said Miss Daisy. “I walked here.”

  “Tell it to the police,” I said. “You lie like a rug. But we’ve got the goods on you. You’re going to the slammer. Give me your hair. We’ve got to do a DNA test on it.”

  Miss Daisy sighed. “I need some bonbons.” Well, we never saw Ms. Todd again. Maybe she’s dead or she went off to Antarctica to live with the penguins. Penguins are cool.

  Maybe someday we’ll find out if Ms. Todd was really a killer robot who was going to take over the world. Maybe somebody else will write that children’s book about us. Maybe I’ll think of a way to get kicked out of the gifted and talented program. Maybe someday we’ll get somebody’s hair and do a DNA test on it. Maybe someday I’ll find out what DNA is. Maybe we’ll sort out exactly who murdered who.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. Dan lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2006 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRD SCHOOL #12: MS. TODD IS ODD!. Text copyright © 2006 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2006 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub © Edition SEPTEMBER 2008 ISBN: 9780061973321

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  *Can I just say something here? Isn’t c-o-u-g-h a dumb way to spell “cough”? It should be k-o-f-f. Whoever wrote the dictionary is a dumbhead.

  **That means it’s not like a can, because “un” means “not” and “canny” means “like a can.”

  ***Did you know that the flag of Barbados has a picture of a pitchfork on it? That’s weird