Miss Tracy Is Spacey! Read online

  “Boo-yah!” shouted Michael. “Mars kicks butt.”

  Bummer in the summer! I was hoping that I would be Mars.

  “The next planet is the biggest planet, Jupiter,” said Miss Tracy. “Jupiter will be . . . Ryan.”

  “Yay!” shouted Ryan. “I’m the biggest, so that means I’m number one.”

  “I know a poem about Jupiter,” said Andrea, raising her hand.

  “I’d love to hear it,” said Miss Tracy.

  “Girls go to college to get more knowledge,” recited Andrea. “Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”

  All the girls laughed even though Andrea didn’t say anything funny. Miss Tracy went to pick the next name out of the box.

  “Next comes Saturn,” she said. “And the student who gets Saturn will be . . . Yes, it’s Andrea again!”

  “Yay!” shouted Andrea.

  Ugh. She always gets what she wants. It’s not fair.

  “Only two planets are left,” said Miss Tracy as she reached into the box. “Neptune is the coldest planet, and it will be played by . . . Neil.”

  “Yay!” shouted Neil. “I’m the coldest, so that means I’m number one.”

  “Okay,” said Miss Tracy. “I have one student left and one planet left. Last but not least, A.J. will be . . . Uranus.”

  WHAT?!

  Everybody started giggling and elbowing and smirking.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan. “A.J. is Uranus.”

  “But I don’t want to be Uranus,” I shouted. “It’s not fair!”

  “Sure it’s fair, A.J.,” said Mr. Cooper. “Miss Tracy picked the names randomly.”

  “Uranus is a wonderful planet, A.J.,” Miss Tracy told me. “It has twenty-seven known moons.”

  “Hey, A.J.,” said Michael, “I think you should pull your pants down in the middle of the play to show everybody the moons of Uranus!”

  Everybody laughed even though Michael didn’t say anything funny.

  “I don’t want to be Uranus,” I shouted again.

  “Well, somebody has to be Uranus,” said Miss Tracy. “We can’t have a tour of the solar system without Uranus.”

  “Does anybody want to switch planets with me?” I asked the class.

  “No!” everybody replied.

  “Hey, Arlo,” said Andrea, “maybe you can sing a little song about Uranus.”

  Then she started singing that song she always sings from Annie. But instead of singing the word “tomorrow,” she sang “Uranus.”

  “No!” I shouted. “I’m not singing a song about Uranus! What about Pluto? Why can’t I be Pluto?”

  “Pluto isn’t a planet,” said Miss Tracy.

  WHAT?!

  “My mother told me that Pluto was a planet,” I said.

  “Pluto was a planet,” Miss Tracy replied. “But it’s not a planet anymore.”

  Says who? What happened to Pluto? How can something be a planet one day and then the next day it’s not a planet anymore?

  I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins don’t have to put on dumb plays and force one of them to be Uranus.

  Everybody was laughing at me. The guys would be making fun of me forever. This was the worst day of my life.

  It’s not fair!

  Space Week was almost over. The whole school had been involved. Some of the classes made arts and crafts projects about the solar system. Some wrote poems. The fifth graders got to go on a field trip to a planetarium.

  My dad dropped me off at school on his way to work. When we pulled into the drop-off line, there was a sign on the front lawn. . . .

  COME SEE MISS UNIVERSE TODAY.

  “Are you going to see our class play?” I asked him. “It’s right after the morning announcements.”

  “Sorry, A.J.,” my dad replied. “I have to get to work. But Mom will be there for sure.”

  After the morning announcements, we walked a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. I don’t know why they call it the all-purpose room. You can’t go kayaking in there.*

  Anyway, everybody from kindergarten up to fifth grade was in the all-purpose room. There was a special section for parents in the back, and it was filled with moms. There were no dads at all.

  Everybody was buzzing. But not really, because we’re people and not bees. Mr. Klutz climbed up on the stage and made a peace sign with his fingers, which means “shut up.”

  “Welcome, everyone,” announced Mr. Klutz. “Blah blah blah blah. Space Week has been amazing. Blah blah blah blah. We learned a lot about astronomy. Blah blah blah blah. And we couldn’t have done it without Miss Tracy. Or as we like to call her, Miss Universe.”

  Miss Tracy climbed up on the stage, and everybody gave her a round of applause. That’s when you clap your hands in a big circle.

  “Thank you,” Miss Tracy said, taking a bow. “I’ve had a wonderful time with the students of Ella Mentry School. Blah blah blah blah. It would take a very long time to do a real tour of the solar system, but Mr. Cooper’s third-grade class would like to take you on a simulated tour.”

  We lined up on the stage with our cardboard planets. The lights dimmed. Weird music started playing. Emily stepped forward, and a spotlight shined on her.

  “I am Mercury,” Emily said. “I’m the smallest planet. My surface is wrinkled, and I have almost no atmosphere. But I have the most craters, because I’ve been hit by lots of asteroids and comets.”

  Everybody gave Emily a round of applause. Then Alexia stepped forward.

  “I am Venus,” Alexia said. “I’m the hottest planet. It can reach 471 degrees Celsius on me. A day on Venus lasts longer than a year on Venus because I rotate very slowly.”

  Everybody gave Alexia a round of applause as she turned around. Michael stepped forward.

  “I am Mars,” Michael said. “They call me the red planet. If you lived on me, you could jump three times higher because I have less gravity than Earth. And I have the tallest mountain in the solar system.”

  Michael got a round of applause. Ryan stepped forward.

  “I am Jupiter,” said Ryan. “I’m more than twice as large as all the other planets put together. There’s a storm on me that’s been going on for 350 years! I wish it would stop already!”

  More applause and a few laughs. Andrea stepped forward.

  “I am Saturn,” Andrea said. “Aren’t my rings pretty? They’re made of chunks of ice and dust and rock. Oh, and I also have fifty-three moons.”

  Applause. Neil stepped forward.

  “I am Neptune,” said Neil. “I’m the farthest planet from the sun, almost three billion miles away. I’m blue too, and that’s why I was named after the Roman god of the sea.”

  Applause. I stepped forward.

  “I am Uranus,” I said.

  That’s when the giggling started in the all-purpose room.

  “It’s very hard to see Uranus.”

  More giggling.

  “You can see Uranus with your naked eye, but you can see it a lot better with a telescope.”

  As soon as I said “naked,” all the guys started giggling.

  “Uranus is tilted, so it’s almost on its side.”

  More giggling.

  “Most people don’t know this, but there are rings around Uranus.”

  Everybody in the audience was giggling. Even some of the parents were laughing at me. That’s it! I decided that I had enough.

  “Hey, knock it off!” I shouted. “I didn’t want to be Uranus! I wanted to be Saturn! You think I like this? It’s not my fault they named the planet Uranus! Laugh all you want. I’m going to keep saying it. Uranus! Uranus! Uranus!”

  Everybody stopped laughing. Nobody said a word. There was total silence in the all-purpose room. You could hear a pin drop in there.* Everybody was looking at me.

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast. So I did the only thing I could do. I started singing that song Andrea made up.

  “Uran
us! Uranus! I love ya, Uranus,” I sang. “You’re always a day away.”

  All the kids in my class joined in. The next thing I knew, everybody in the all-purpose room was singing the Uranus song! And when it was done, the audience gave me a standing ovation.

  Miss Tracy came over to me. She put a crown on my head and a sash around my neck. It said MR. UNIVERSE on it. Everybody went crazy.

  I thought that was the end of it, but you’ll never believe what happened next.

  “We have a special guest with us today,” said Miss Tracy. “I’d like to introduce the real Miss Universe. . . .”

  That’s when another lady came out on the stage. She was pretty and smiling, and she was wearing a bathing suit.

  “Hi, everybody!” said the real Miss Universe as she waved her hand.

  All the moms rushed forward to take pictures of the real Miss Universe.

  “My husband will love this!” one of the moms said.

  “How about a picture of Miss Universe and Mr. Universe together?” suggested Mr. Klutz.

  “Sure!” said the real Miss Universe. And then she put her arm around me while everybody took pictures. It was the greatest day of my life.

  “Hey, how come A.J. gets to be Mr. Universe?” shouted Ryan. “I want to be Mr. Universe!”

  “It’s not fair!” said Michael and Neil.

  Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on them.

  Everybody was buzzing about the real Miss Universe, so Mr. Klutz had to make the shut-up peace sign to make people stop talking.

  “Wasn’t Space Week fun?” asked Mr. Klutz. “I think we all learned a lot about astronomy. Before we dismiss everyone, does anybody have any questions for Miss Tracy?”

  A bunch of hands went up. Miss Tracy called on one of the fourth graders.

  “How fast does the Earth turn around?” asked a girl.

  “Good question!” said Miss Tracy. “The Earth spins at about a thousand miles an hour.”

  WHAT?! That’s way faster than the speed limit.

  “I’m scared,” said Emily. “I think I feel dizzy.”

  Oh no, not again.

  “Don’t worry,” said Miss Tracy. “The Earth will gradually slow down when the sun dies out.”

  WHAT?!

  “Excuse me,” said the real Miss Universe. “Did you just say that the sun is going to die out?”

  “Yes, of course,” Miss Tracy replied. “In five billion years, the core of the sun will run out of hydrogen and become less bright. Then the Earth and all the planets in the solar system will disintegrate.”

  “The sun is going to . . . die?” asked Alexia.

  “What does ‘disintegrate’ mean?” asked Ryan.

  Andrea had already looked it up on her smartphone.

  “Disintegrate means ‘to break apart into many small pieces’!” she shouted.

  “The sun is gonna die!” shouted Michael. “The Earth is gonna break apart! Miss Tracy said so!”

  “Yes, but it won’t be for five billion years,” said Miss Tracy.

  “That’s like tomorrow!” I shouted.

  “There’s nothing to worry about,” said Miss Tracy. “We’ll all be dead—”

  “We’ll all be dead!” shouted one of the fourth graders.

  “Help!” somebody hollered. “The world is going to end!”

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.

  “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily.

  Everybody started yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering. You should have been there!

  “Students! Calm down!” shouted Mr. Klutz.

  It was no use. Everybody started running around and bumping into one another trying to get to the emergency exits. Even the moms and teachers were freaking out. Somebody banged into the real Miss Universe, and she fell off the stage.

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened during Space Week. Maybe the real Miss Universe will come back when our dads are there. Maybe we’ll get to page twenty-three in our math books. Maybe Mr. Granite will lose his car keys again. Maybe Emily will demonstrate the law of gravity again by throwing up. Maybe Isaac Newton will eat some Fig Newtons. Maybe Mr. Cooper will throw Miss Tracy out the window. Maybe Andrea will start to like violins. Maybe I’ll find out what a dipper is. Maybe Pluto will become a planet again. Maybe we’ll figure out a way to stop the sun from dying and the Earth from breaking apart.

  But it won’t be easy!

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  About the Author and Illustrator

  Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2017 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #9: MISS TRACY IS SPACEY! Text copyright © 2017 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2017 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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  ISBN 978-0-06-242936-0 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-242937-7 (library bdg.)

  EPub Edition © September 2017 ISBN 9780062429384

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  * Who else could it be?

  * Gee, something tells me there will be Uranus jokes in here.

  * A footnote is a note that’s on your foot. Any dumbhead knows that. But why would you put notes on your feet?

  * By the way, just so you know, nothing is fair. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  * Sometimes we call it the all-porpoise room, even though there are no dolphins in there.

  * Well, that is if anybody brought pins to the all-purpose room with them.

 

 

 
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