Miss Child Has Gone Wild! Read online

  “I feel terrible about this,” said Miss Child. “It’s all my fault. You kids were under my supervision.”

  “You have super vision?” I asked. “Cool!”

  “Miss Child can see through walls!” said Michael.

  “If you have super vision,” said Neil the nude kid, “why don’t you use it to find Emily?”

  “Supervision means being in charge, dumbheads,” said Andrea.

  “Oh,” I said. “I knew that.”

  “This is all my fault,” said Mr. Granite. “Emily is my student. I should know where my students are at all times.”

  “No, it’s my fault,” said Ms. Hannah. “I’m the chaperone. I should have been watching her.”

  I love it when grown-ups argue over whose fault something was. At least if they all think the thing that went wrong is their fault, nobody can say it was my fault.

  Suddenly, I heard a voice calling in the distance.

  “Help! Help!”

  “That’s Emily’s voice!” yelled Andrea.

  “Where is it coming from?” yelled Miss Child.

  “Over there!” yelled Alexia.

  “Where?” we all yelled.

  “Lion Lane!”

  Chapter 10

  Brian the Lion

  We all ran over to Lion Lane like we were in the Olympics. Alexia rode her skateboard, so she got there first.

  “There she is!” Alexia shouted.

  Lion Lane is another one of those areas in the zoo that has a concrete wall that curves down to where the animals live. I leaned over the edge and looked down. There was Emily, lying on the ground at the bottom.

  “Help!” Emily whimpered.

  A big lion was pacing back and forth about ten feet away from Emily. It looked like the lion didn’t even notice she was in there.

  “Stay calm, Emily!” said Mr. Granite.

  As if anybody could stay calm when they’re trapped with a lion. I mean, Emily is a big crybaby, of course. But if I was stuck down at the bottom of Lion Lane, I would probably be freaking out and crying too.

  “What is the lion’s name?” asked Ms. Hannah.

  “His name is Brian,” said Miss Child.

  “Brian the lion?” we all said.

  “Brian,” shouted Michael, “don’t eat Emily!”

  “Lions don’t understand English, dumbhead,” I told Michael.

  “Can you climb out, Emily?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “No!” Emily said. “I hurt my leg.”

  “We’ll get you out of there, Emily!” shouted Miss Child.

  “How did you get down there in the first place?” asked Ms. Hannah.

  “I was taking a picture with my camera,” Emily said. “I took a step backward and . . .” Emily couldn’t finish the sentence because she started crying.

  A bunch of kids suddenly remembered they brought cameras with them. They all started taking pictures of Emily and Brian the lion. It was a real Kodak moment.

  Suddenly, Brian the lion walked over to Emily and started sniffing her.

  “Brian the lion is going to eat Emily!” whispered Neil the nude kid.

  “Do lions eat people?” whispered Ryan.

  “Only under certain conditions,” said Miss Child.

  “Like what conditions?” whispered Andrea.

  “Like when they’re hungry,” said Miss Child.

  “We’ve got to do something!” said Andrea.

  “Pretend to be dead, Emily!” shouted Miss Child. “We’ll figure out a way to rescue you.”

  Emily pretended to be dead. Brian the lion was still sniffing her. Then Emily sneezed and Brian the lion jumped back.

  “I think I’m allergic to lions,” Emily said.

  “That’s the least of your problems,” I told her.

  “Maybe Brian the lion is allergic to Emily too,” said Neil the nude kid.

  Brian the lion went back to Emily and sniffed her some more. Emily sneezed again.

  “Help!” she cried. “Do something! He’s going to eat me!”

  “I’ll take care of this,” said Miss Child.

  She ran over to a little shed next to Lion Lane and came out with a long whip in one hand and a chair in her other hand. Then she went to the edge of Lion Lane and slid down the curved wall to the bottom. Brian the lion turned away from Emily and looked at Miss Child.

  “Be a good boy, Brian,” Miss Child said as she walked toward him slowly, holding the chair in front of her. “Leave Emily alone.”

  “Miss Child has gone wild,” said Ryan.

  “Isn’t that dangerous, being so close to a lion?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “Don’t be silly,” Miss Child said. “The animals are my friends. We’re all just living creatures trying to make our way in the world. We’re all part of the family of man blah blah blah blah blah.”

  “Aren’t you afraid that Brian the lion is going to eat you?” asked Ms. Hannah.

  “Brian wouldn’t do that,” Miss Child said. “I respect him and he respects me.”

  Brian the lion took a few steps toward Miss Child and growled at her. She cracked the whip and walked backward.

  “Down, boy!” Miss Child said calmly.

  It was cool. Miss Child was like a lion tamer in the circus. Emily was still lying on the ground, freaking out.

  “Why don’t you use your super vision to burn a hole in Brian the lion?” I yelled.

  Brian the lion took a few more steps toward Miss Child. Then he growled and swiped at her with his paw.

  “Ooooooooooooooh!” we all went.

  “Don’t worry,” Miss Child said. “That’s how Brian shows his respect for me.”

  “If he respects you so much,” I said, “why do you need the whip and chair?”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Brian the lion got up on his hind legs, growled really loudly, and started chasing Miss Child!

  Miss Child dropped the whip and chair and took off like she was in the Olympics. It was amazing!

  “Help! Help!” shouted Miss Child.

  “Run!” we all screamed. “Run for your life!”

  Brian the lion was chasing Miss Child all over Lion Lane! And we got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!

  Miss Child sure is a fast runner. If you ask me, they should use lions in the Olympics, because people run a lot faster when a lion is chasing them. Especially a hungry one.

  While Brian the lion was chasing Miss Child around, Emily struggled to her feet and started limping toward the wall. She tried to climb up.

  “You can do it, Emily!” shouted Andrea.

  “I can’t!” Emily shouted back. “It’s too steep!”

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  But I’m not going to tell you what it is.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  Chapter 11

  The Amazing Surprise Ending!

  Brian the lion was chasing Miss Child around Lion Lane like they were both in the Olympics. Emily was trying to climb the wall to get out of there. The rest of us were yelling and screaming and freaking out. Except for one person.

  Alexia.

  “I’m going in there,” Alexia suddenly announced. “I’m going to get Emily.”

  “WHAT?!” I said. “How are you going to do that?”

  Alexia took her skateboard and hung the front wheels over the edge of the concrete wall.

  “This is a lot like the half-pipe at a skate park I used to go to,” she said. “I’m going to skate down there and grab her.”

  “Are you crazy?” Andrea shouted. “You’ll get killed!”

  Alexia got up on her skateboard, leaned forward, and dropped into Lion Lane. She skated down the wall, picking up speed, and then skated up the wall on the opposite side. Then she spun around in the air and skated back down the wall. She’s a really good skateboarder. It was like watching
the X Games!

  “Hold on, Emily!” Alexia shouted. “Here I come!”

  Alexia skated right past Brian the lion and Miss Child. Then she crouched down on her board, reached out, and scooped Emily up in her arms. You should have seen it! It was the most amazing thing in the history of the world.

  “WOW!” we all shouted, which is MOM upside down.

  Brian the lion was still chasing Miss Child. Alexia and Emily were both on the skateboard now, going back and forth from one wall to the other like it was a half-pipe.

  “Help!” Emily screamed. “I don’t know how to skateboard!”

  “But I do!” yelled Alexia.

  They kept going back and forth, up one wall and down the other. Finally, they built up enough speed to reach the top of the wall. Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah reached over and grabbed them, pulling them up to the top.

  Everybody was hugging Emily and telling Alexia how great she was at skateboarding. Andrea was standing at the side with a mean face and her arms crossed in front of her. I guess she was mad because Alexia was a big hero.

  We looked back down into Lion Lane. Brian the lion was still chasing Miss Child around. Just as he was about to grab her, she climbed up the wall. We all leaned over to pull her up to the top. Miss Child lay down on the grass. She was all out of breath and her hair was messed up.

  “Are you okay, Miss Child?” asked Andrea. “Brian the lion almost ate you!”

  “No, no,” she replied. “Brian just needed a little exercise. He’s a gentle creature. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. Blah blah blah blah blah.”

  In the distance, we heard the honk of a school bus.

  “Bingle boo!” shouted our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel. It was time to go.

  She was really tired from all that running, but Miss Child walked us over to the bus to say good-bye.

  “Well, I hope you enjoyed your visit to the zoo,” she said. “And I hope it gave you kids a new appreciation for all the living creatures on earth blah blah blah blah blah. Come visit us again real soon.”

  “We will!” we all shouted.

  On the bus, everybody was talking about the exciting things we saw at the zoo—Binky the artistic elephant, Lulu the angry gorilla, and Brian the lion who almost ate Emily and Miss Child. We all agreed that when our parents came to pick us up and asked us what we did at the zoo, we would all say “Nothing.”6

  Mr. Granite fell asleep on the bus ride home. Mrs. Kormel talked to us in her secret language. Ms. Hannah carefully rolled up Binky the elephant’s priceless painting so she could sell it and save the art program.

  After a million hundred hours, we finally arrived at school. We had to go back to our classroom to get our stuff.

  And you’ll never believe what was sitting on my desk when we walked in the door.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  It was a mouse!

  “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” screamed all the girls.

  “There’s a mouse on A.J.’s desk!” Emily shrieked. “Ewwww, disgusting!”

  “You left your lunch in the class, Arlo!” Andrea said angrily. “It attracted mice! It’s all your fault!”

  “I guess we’re not going to win Cleanest Class in the School this week,” I admitted.

  The mouse was sitting on my desk eating what was left of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Suddenly, the mouse looked up and saw us all staring at it. It jumped off my desk.

  “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” everybody screamed.

  The mouse started running around the room, jumping on people’s chairs and climbing on people’s shoes. Everybody freaked out. Ms. Hannah got a broom from the closet and started chasing the mouse around the room with it. Mr. Granite grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall and was running around, spraying the fire extinguisher all over the place. The rest of us were yelling and screaming.

  “Stop!” Andrea yelled. “Mice are living creatures too. Just like the animals in the zoo! They should be treated with respect and dignity!”

  “No they shouldn’t!” I shouted.

  “Kill it! Kill the mouse!” shouted Michael.

  “KILL-THE-MOUSE!” everybody started chanting. “KILL-THE-MOUSE!”

  Kids were throwing pens and pencils and erasers at the mouse. Mr. Granite put down the fire extinguisher and picked up the rolled-up painting that Binky the elephant made. He chased the mouse around the room, swinging the painting like a baseball bat.

  “Stop!” Ms. Hannah shouted. “You’re destroying our priceless painting!”

  “I hate mice!” Mr. Granite hollered.

  Eventually, the mouse must have gotten tired of running around our class, because it jumped out the window.

  It was all pretty hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person.

  So that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe the next time we go on a field trip, I’ll remember to bring my lunch. Maybe Alexia and Andrea will stop crossing their arms and making mean faces at each other. Maybe Miss Child will stop carrying tarantulas around in her pockets. Maybe Binky the elephant will paint another masterpiece for Ms. Hannah to sell. Maybe Lulu the gorilla will stop cursing kids out in sign language. Maybe Emily will be more careful when she’s taking pictures. Maybe Mr. Granite will finally be able to get through a math lesson. Maybe the mouse will go to the zoo, where it will be treated with respect and dignity. Maybe my dog will stop pooping on the floor. Maybe Miss Child will stop saying blah blah blah blah blah all the time. Maybe our class will win another field trip to the zoo.

  But it won’t be easy!

  Notes

  Chapter 1

  1 So, how’s it going? Enjoying the book so far? Can we get you something to drink while you’re reading? Or a pillow, maybe?

  Chapter 3

  2 That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”

  Chapter 5

  3 Want to see elephants paint for real? Go to: www.elephantart.com/catalog/homepage.php.

  Chapter 8

  4 You don’t have to go to a zoo to look at birds. Just look up in the sky.

  Chapter 9

  5 Or is that “mongeese”?

  Chapter 11

  6 Even if you almost get eaten by a lion, when your parents ask what happened during the day, always say, “Nothing.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  About the Authors

  Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  Copyright

  Miss Child Has Gone Wild!

  Text copyright © 2011 by Dan Gutman

  Illustrations copyright © 2011 by Jim Paillot

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  * * *

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Gutman, Dan.

  Miss Child has gone wild! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot. — 1st ed.

  p. cm. — (My weirder school ; #1)

  Summary: A.J. and his fellow third graders from Ella Mentry School, including new student Alexia, go on a field trip to the zoo, where they meet a very strange zookeeper.

  ISBN 978-0-06-196917-1 (lib. bdg.) — ISB
N 978-0-06-196916-4 (pbk. bdg.)

  [1. Zoos—Fiction. 2. School field trips—Fiction. 3. Zoo keepers—Fiction. 4. Humorous stories.] I. Paillot, Jim, ill. II. Title.

  PZ7.G9846Mjc 2011

  [Fic]—dc22

  2010045634

  CIP

  AC

  * * *

  EPub Edition © 2011 ISBN: 9780062084521

  11 12 13 14 15 CG/CW 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  First Edition

  About the Publisher

  Australia

  HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

  25 Ryde Road (P.O. Box 321)

  Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia

  www.harpercollins.com.au/ebooks

  Canada

  HarperCollins Canada

  2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor

  Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada

  http://www.harpercollins.ca

  New Zealand

  HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited

  P.O. Box 1

  Auckland, New Zealand

  http://www.harpercollins.co.nz

  United Kingdom

  HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

  77-85 Fulham Palace Road

  London, W6 8JB, UK

  http://www.harpercollins.co.uk

  United States

  HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

  10 East 53rd Street

  New York, NY 10022

  http://www.harpercollins.com