Mr. Granite Is from Another Planet! Read online

  “Look!” Ryan whispered back. “Mr. Granite is in there!”

  “Yeah, over on the left,” I whispered.

  “What’s he doing?” Ryan whispered.

  “He’s building something,” Michael whispered.

  And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what we saw Mr. Granite building in there.

  I’m not gonna tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  But you have to read the next chapter to find out. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  11

  My Teacher Is an Alien

  Mr. Granite was building a spaceship!

  It was red and black and silver, and it looked just like the spaceships you see in movies. It was cool!

  “Andrea was right!” I whispered. “Mr. Granite is from another—”

  But I never got the chance to finish my sentence because at that moment, the garage door started going up. Mr. Granite, the alien, was standing there looking right at us!

  I didn’t know what to say! I didn’t know what to do! I had to think fast!

  “Freeze, dirtbag!” I yelled. “You’re an alien, and we know it!”

  Mr. Granite put his hands in the air. Then he realized we didn’t have a gun or anything, so he put them down.

  “Yes, I admit it,” he said sadly. “I’m not from New Jersey. I’m from the planet Etinarg in a galaxy far, far away.”

  “WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Etinarg?” I said. “Isn’t that ‘Granite’ spelled backward?”

  “Yes,” Mr. Granite said. “Everyone on Etinarg is named Granite.”

  “Doesn’t it make things confusing when everybody has the same name?” asked Ryan.

  “It does,” Mr. Granite replied. “I was sent to Earth to help you stop global warming and to come back with some new names for our people. Now my work here is done. I must return to Etinarg. My spaceship is finished. I just need some rocket fuel so I can blast off.”

  “Wait a minute!” Michael said. “How do we know you’re not yanking our chain? Prove you’re an alien!”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Let’s see you peel off your face.”

  “Well…okay,” Mr. Granite said as he put his hand under his chin.

  I covered my eyes with my hands. I wanted to see Mr. Granite peel off his face; but at the same time, I didn’t want to see what was underneath. What if it was scary? So I covered my eyes, but I opened my fingers so I could look between them.

  Mr. Granite pulled at his neck, and the skin started to come loose. Then he peeled off his entire face! And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what he looked like underneath.

  He looked exactly the same!

  “Hey!” Ryan said. “That face looks just like the one you peeled off!”

  “It never hurts to have an extra face,” said Mr. Granite.

  Even though Mr. Granite’s peeled-off face looked the same as his regular face, it was still cool.

  “Don’t tell Mr. Klutz!” Mr. Granite said.

  “Our lips are sealed,” I told him. But not with glue. That would be weird.

  12

  Sad, Sad News

  I couldn’t sleep that night. All I could do was think about Mr. Granite. What if he was lying? What if he really came here to take over our planet and turn us into killer zombie robot slaves? Stuff like that happens all the time, you know. I wished I had been able to buy one of those laser beam pens at Staples.

  Maybe Mr. Granite was just pretending to be nice so it would be easier for him to take over the world. Maybe I should tell Mr. Klutz. If I didn’t say anything and Mr. Granite took over our planet, it would be all my fault.

  This was the hardest decision I ever had to make. My brain hurt from thinking so much. I was afraid my head was gonna explode.

  “Did you finish your homework?” my mom asked me on Monday morning.

  “Homework?” I said. “Aliens from another planet could be attacking at this very second, and you’re worried about homework?”

  Finally, I decided to tell Mr. Klutz what I knew. As soon as I got to school, I marched into his office. He had a machine on his desk. It looked like a little microwave oven.

  “Hey, check this out, A.J.!” said Mr. Klutz. “It’s called the Ultimate Recycler. This gizmo can turn a can into a bottle, or a bottle into a can. So instead of throwing away a bottle, you just turn it into a can. And instead of throwing away a can, you just turn it into a bottle. This will be great for the environment!”

  “Why not just take the can or bottle and rinse it out?” I asked. “Then you can use it again.”

  “Hmmmm,” said Mr. Klutz. “That’s a good idea, A.J. No wonder you’re in the gifted and talented program.”

  He picked up the Ultimate Recycler and threw it into the recycling bin.

  “Mr. Klutz,” I said, “I have proof that Mr. Granite is from another planet. I saw him building a spaceship in his garage.”

  “Hmmmmm,” Mr. Klutz said. “Well, I have some news for you, A.J. I looked through the Board of Education rule book very carefully, and there is nothing in there that says aliens from other planets can’t teach third grade.”

  “So Mr. Granite can stay on Earth if he wants to?”

  “That’s right,” said Mr. Klutz. “In fact, I’ll call him in here right now to tell him the good news.”

  Mr. Klutz called Mr. Granite on the intercom. A few minutes later, Mr. Granite came into the office. When he saw me, he looked mad.

  “It’s okay,” Mr. Klutz told Mr. Granite. “I know you’re from another planet. But I think you’re an excellent teacher, and I want you to stay at Ella Mentry School.”

  Mr. Klutz and Mr. Granite hugged, which was weird.

  “You are very kind,” Mr. Granite said. “But my work here is done. I am ready to return to my home planet of Etinarg. I blast off Friday.”

  “But I thought you said you didn’t have any rocket fuel,” I said.

  “I don’t need rocket fuel anymore,” Mr. Granite told me. “I met with Mr. Docker over the weekend, and he figured out a way to power my spaceship with potatoes.”

  Wow! I knew you could power a car with potatoes. And I knew you could power a computer with potatoes. But how are you going to get a spaceship off the ground with just potato power?

  “Is that possible?” I asked.

  “It is,” Mr. Granite said. “We’re going to microwave the potatoes.”

  13

  Saying Good-bye to Mr. Granite

  At three o’clock on Friday, the school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement that everybody had to go to the all-purpose room. When we got there, Mr. Klutz was up on the stage. He was holding a piece of paper.

  “I have big news!” Mr. Klutz told us.

  “Mr. Klutz has a big nose,” I whispered to Ryan.

  “Are we the greenest school in the county?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “No, we came in second place,” Mr. Klutz said.

  Everybody groaned because that meant we weren’t going to have a chocolate cake party.

  “Second place?” Michael asked. “How could any school be greener than ours?”

  “Well,” said Mr. Klutz, “the students at one of the other schools actually painted their school green! Too bad we didn’t think of that.”

  I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at me.

  “So what’s the big news?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “The big news is that we received a letter from the president of the United States!” said Mr. Klutz.

  “WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down. I stuck my tongue out at Andrea, because she had thought it was a dumb idea to write to the president.

  Mr. Klutz read the letter:

  Dear Students of Ella Mentry School,

  Thank you for the nice letter. I just wanted to let you know that I do not have a nose attached to my foot.

  Sincerely,

  The President
>
  It was cool to get a letter from the president, even if the letter made no sense at all.

  “I have more big news,” Mr. Klutz told us. “Our third-grade teacher, Mr. Granite, is from a planet called Etinarg; and he is going home today. So we’re going to have a going-away party…with chocolate cake!”

  “YAY!” everybody yelled.

  We went out to the playground, where there was the biggest chocolate cake in the history of the world. Everybody was out there, even Jackie Macky. Mr. Brad cut the cake and Mrs. Jafee passed out pieces to everybody. Mr. Granite’s spaceship was out in the field, near the cows. It was covered with potatoes.

  “MOOOOOOOO,” said a cow.

  We stuffed our faces with so much cake, I thought I was gonna throw up. It was the greatest day of my life. After we finished, Mr. Granite put on a space suit, and we went over to say good-bye to him. It was really sad.

  “I’m going to miss you kids,” said Mr. Granite. “When I get home, I’m going to name my Etinarg friends A.J., Andrea, Ryan, Emily, Michael, and Neil.”

  “We’ll miss you too,” said Andrea.

  “I hope that after I am gone,” Mr. Granite told us, “you will keep saving energy and living green.”

  “We will!” we all shouted.

  Everybody was sad to see Mr. Granite go. Emily cried, of course. So did some of the teachers. Mr. Granite waved to us as he climbed into his spaceship. Everybody gathered around. Mrs. Yonkers went over to her computer and announced the countdown.

  “10…9…8…7…6…5…4…

  3…2…1!” said Mrs. Yonkers. “Begin microwaving the potatoes!”

  Our science teacher, Mr. Docker, flipped a switch. Nothing happened for like a million hundred seconds. Then there was a little ding sound. Steam started pouring out of the potatoes. The whole field smelled like baked potatoes. Slowly, the spaceship began rising off the ground.

  “LIFT OFF!” yelled Mrs. Yonkers. “We have liftoff!”

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. One of the cows must have liked the smell of baked potatoes, because it came running over to the spaceship.

  The cow bumped right into it!

  The spaceship was going up crooked!

  “Houston, we have a problem!” shouted Mr. Docker.

  The spaceship zoomed to the left. Then it zoomed to the right. It was zigzagging back and forth in the sky over the school.

  “Abandon ship!” shouted Mrs. Yonkers. “Abandon ship!”

  The door to the spaceship opened, and Mr. Granite jumped out. A parachute opened, and he floated back down to Earth.

  Well, he almost floated back down to Earth. On the way down, his parachute landed on the windmill.

  The ropes got all tangled up!

  Mr. Granite was caught on the windmill!

  He was spinning around and around!

  It was a real Kodak moment. You should have been there.

  Meanwhile, Mr. Granite’s spaceship crash-landed in a field across the street from our school. It exploded! Pieces of baked potato went flying everywhere! It was cool. And we got to see it live and in person.

  Well, that’s pretty much the way it all went down. The windmill finally stopped turning, and the teachers were able to get Mr. Granite back on the ground again.

  Maybe Mr. Granite will build another spaceship. Or maybe he’ll just stay on Earth and be our teacher. Maybe Andrea will stop recycling her toilet paper and put her head in a paper shredder. Maybe there won’t be any more flying saucers in the teachers’ lounge. Maybe Jackie Macky will stop sucking her own toes. Maybe the president will trim the hair on the nose attached to his foot. Maybe Ryan will stop talking about E.T. Maybe they’ll start selling laser beam pens at Staples. Maybe the sun will explode. Maybe Emily will stop running into cows. Maybe we’ll find out what makes Mr. Granite tick. Maybe we’ll be able to hear words like “naked” and “Uranus” without giggling.

  But it won’t be easy!*

  About the Authors

  Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2008 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #3: MR. GRANITE IS FROM ANOTHER PLANET!. Illustrations Copyright © 2008 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub © Edition JULY 2008 ISBN: 9780061973529

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  *But if you ask me, it makes no sense because we don’t wear clothes on our eyes anyway.

  *“MOOOOOOOOOO” is all cows know how to say. That’s why cows hardly ever make phone calls.

  *Grown-ups always say “Hmmmm” when they’re thinking. Nobody knows why.

  *This story is supposed to be funny, but all of us should live green. To find out more, go to

  • EPA Global Warming Kids Site (www.epa.gov/globalwarming/kids)

  • The Green Squad (www.nrdc.org/greensquad)

  • Minnesota Pollution Control Agency Kids Page (www.pca.state.mn.us/kids)

  • Environmental Kids Club (www.epa.gov/kids)

  • Earth Day in Your Neighborhood (www.allspecies.org/neigh/blocka.htm)

  • Tree Musketeers (www.treemusketeers.org)

  • United States Environmental Protection Agency (http://epa.gov/climatechange/wycd/waste/kids.html)