Miss Klute Is a Hoot! Read online

  Well, that’s not the weird part, because squirrels run out onto soccer fields all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

  Miss Klute saw the squirrel run in front of her. I guess that squirrel was a lot more interesting than the tennis ball. So Miss Klute changed direction and ran after the squirrel instead of the ball!

  The squirrel must have freaked out when it saw that giant, bear-sized dog chasing it. It changed direction and headed for the woods next to the playground!

  Miss Klute followed the squirrel!

  The two of them disappeared into the woods!

  “Where did she go?” asked Ryan.

  I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Alexia. Alexia looked at Neil. Neil looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at me. Then we all looked at the woods.

  Miss Klute was gone!

  “What are we gonna do?” I shouted. “We have to find Miss Klute!”

  “You have to find Miss Klute, Arlo,” Andrea said. “You’re the one who lost her.”

  “Oh, man, you’re in trouble, A.J.,” said Ryan. “If Miss Klute doesn’t come back, you’ll probably be suspended for the rest of your life.”

  Hmmm, I thought, trying to figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

  “No, they’ll probably just lock A.J. up in the dungeon on the third floor,” said Michael.

  “I told you not to let Miss Klute run around without a leash, Arlo,” Andrea said. “Now she’s gone, and it’s all your fault.”

  Every time I do something wrong, Andrea has a little smile on her face. What is her problem?

  Riiiiinnnnnggggg!

  Oh no! It was the bell. Recess was over.

  I looked toward the woods one more time, hoping to see Miss Klute come running out. But she didn’t. Everybody went inside the school. I was the last one to come in. Mr. Macky was waiting for me in the hallway.

  “Who is holding Miss Klute?” he asked. “Did she like being outside?”

  “I guess so,” I told him. “She’s still out there, somewhere.”

  “What!?”

  Mr. Macky’s eyes were bugging out of his head like golf balls.

  “We were playing fetch,” I explained, “and a squirrel ran by. Miss Klute took off after the squirrel. They both went running into the woods. And that was the last we saw her.”

  Mr. Macky looked like one of those cartoon characters who gets really mad and smoke pours out of their ears.

  “I told you to take good care of her!” he yelled.

  “I did!” I said. “She was having a great time, right up until the moment she ran away.”

  “We have to find her!” Mr. Macky said. Then he went running down the hall toward the front office.

  A few seconds later, an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

  “All students and teachers! Report to the playground immediately! Miss Klute is missing!”

  A second after that, everybody poured out of their classrooms yelling and screaming and freaking out.

  “Miss Klute is missing!”

  “Where is she?”

  “We have to find her!”

  What happened next was the biggest manhunt in the history of the world. Or doghunt anyway. The whole school—kids and grown-ups—ran out into the woods by the playground. We were all searching for Miss Klute.

  “Yoo-hoo! Miss Klute, where are you?” everybody was shouting.

  Mr. Macky was walking around the woods with binoculars. Our security guard, Officer Spence, was searching for clues with a magnifying glass. Our science teacher, Mr. Docker, was wearing night vision goggles. Our art teacher, Ms. Hannah, was putting up MISSING posters with Miss Klute’s picture on them. Our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers, was holding up some weird machine that said DOG DETECTOR on it.

  Our librarian, Mrs. Roopy, passed out books to all the kids. She told us that if we were reading, Miss Klute might come out of her hiding place.

  A few minutes later, a helicopter was hovering overhead. Mrs. Lilly, a reporter from the local newspaper, showed up in a van with a camera crew. She ran over to interview Mr. Macky.

  “Why did your therapy dog run away?” asked Mrs. Lilly. “Did you beat her? Did you starve her? Does she have rabies? Did she bite somebody? Are you part of a dogfighting ring? What do you know, and when did you know it? My readers want to know the truth.”

  “We’ll find Miss Klute,” Mr. Macky told her, “if it’s the last thing we do.”

  But after an hour or so of searching all over the woods, we still hadn’t found Miss Klute. It was hopeless.

  “Well, I guess Miss Klute isn’t coming back,” said Principal Klutz. “Let’s go inside, everyone.”

  Some of the kids were crying. I saw some other kids whispering and pointing at me. They knew it was my fault.

  This was the worst thing to happen to me since TV Turnoff Week. Miss Klute had run away. And now I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Bummer in the summer!

  As we filed back inside the school, everyone looked depressed.

  “I can’t believe this happened on my birthday,” said Emily. “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

  Soon it would be three o’clock, when we go home for the day. Mr. Klutz announced that classes were canceled for the rest of the afternoon. He told us to go to the all-purpose room so we could talk about our feelings and stuff.

  At first nobody said anything. But then kids started to say what was on their mind.

  “Before Miss Klute came to our school, I didn’t like to read,” said Neil the nude kid. “Now reading is my favorite thing to do in the world.”

  “Me too,” said a bunch of kids.

  “She was so nice,” said Alexia. “She never snarled or bit or hurt anybody.”

  “She was my best friend,” said Ryan.

  Everybody was sobbing. Even some of the teachers were pulling out handkerchiefs and wiping their eyes with them.

  “Miss Klute was the best therapy dog I ever met,” said Mr. Macky.

  “I’m sorry,” I told everybody. “This was all my fault.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, A.J.,” said Mr. Macky. “It could have happened to anybody.”

  After that nobody said anything for a million hundred seconds. There was just the sound of sobbing and sniffling.

  “I miss Miss Klute,” Andrea finally said.

  “I miss miss Miss Klute,” said Alexia.

  “I miss miss miss Miss Klute,” said Michael.

  It went on like that for a while. That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  Oh, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that Miss Klute came running into the all-purpose room, all happy and everything. You’re thinking that we all started cheering and hugging her. You’re thinking that everybody lived happily ever after.

  Well, that’s not what happened. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  This is what really happened. . . .

  Somebody down the hallway let out a scream!

  EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!

  It was a lady’s scream.

  “That came from the teachers’ lounge!” Ryan yelled.

  We all ran out of the all-purpose room and down the hall to the teachers’ lounge.

  The school secretary, Miss Patty, was standing in front of the door.

  “Miss Klute is DEAD!” she shouted.

  Okay, Miss Klute wasn’t really dead. So stop freaking out. And don’t bother writing angry letters and emails to the publisher of this book.

  She wasn’t dead, but she was pretty sick. Miss Klute was lying in the middle of the teachers’ lounge, hardly moving. Worse than that, she had thrown up all over the floor. Ugh, gross! And we saw it live and in person. I thought I was gonna die.

  Our school nurse, Mrs. Cooney, came running in.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  “Miss Klute must have come back to school while we were out looking for her in the woods,” And
rea told her.

  Mrs. Cooney got down on her knees and listened to Miss Klute’s heartbeat. Then she picked a little piece of paper off the floor.

  “Aha! Here’s the problem!” she said. “It’s a cupcake wrapper. Where did Miss Klute get chocolate cupcakes?”

  We all looked at Emily.

  “I killed Miss Klute!” Emily shouted. And then she started crying and went running out of the room. “This is the worst birthday I ever had!”

  What a crybaby.

  “Is Miss Klute going to be okay?” Andrea asked Mrs. Cooney.

  “I think so,” she replied. “But she might have to go to the animal hospital for a few days to recover. They’ll make sure she doesn’t eat any more chocolate.”

  I thought everybody knew dogs can’t eat chocolate. That’s the first rule of being a dog.

  Our school custodian, Miss Lazar, came into the teachers’ lounge. She looked at the floor.

  “Have no fear!” said Miss Lazar. “This looks like a job for Super Custodian!”

  “Miss Klute got sick,” said Mrs. Cooney. “It’s quite a mess, I’m afraid.”

  “The messier the better,” said Miss Lazar. “I love messes! If there weren’t any messes, I wouldn’t have a job.”

  Miss Lazar is bizarre.*

  “Stand aside,” said Miss Lazar. “Super Custodian is here to save the day! Any time finger paint is spilled, or the toilets become clogged, or somebody throws up, I am at your service to—”

  “Can you just clean up the mess, please?” asked Mrs. Cooney.

  “You can count on me!” Miss Lazar replied.

  She put on these big, yellow plastic gloves and started cleaning up the mess. It was gross. Mrs. Cooney told us to go back to our classroom.

  That’s when I realized something. I looked around the teachers’ lounge. Where was the hot tub? Where were the video games? There was no minibar filled with candy or an all-you-can-eat buffet. There were no servants on roller skates giving out foot massages and back rubs. And there wasn’t a single hundred-dollar bill on the floor!

  That’s when I decided that I didn’t want to be a teacher after all. I had thought the teachers’ lounge was this really cool place where the teachers can hang out all day and do cool stuff. But it’s just a boring old room with tables, chairs, and a coffee machine. It’s no fun at all. Plus, you never know when a dog might come in and throw up all over the place.

  A week later we came into our classroom, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who was sitting on the floor chewing on a chew toy.

  It was Miss Klute!

  Well, it would have been pretty weird if anybody else was sitting on the floor chewing on a chew toy.

  Mr. Macky told us that Miss Klute was all better. The whole class ran over to hug and pet her.

  “We missed you!” said Andrea.

  “Why did you run away?” Ryan asked.

  “Did you have fun chasing that squirrel in the woods?” asked Alexia.

  “Did you have fun eating Emily’s cupcakes and throwing up all over the teachers’ lounge?” I asked.

  Miss Klute didn’t answer any of our questions, because she’s a DOG. Duh! But she did let us hug her and pet her for a long time. And then Mr. Macky let us read her a story about a dog that ran away.

  Maybe after this they’ll get a hot tub and some other cool stuff for the teachers’ lounge. Maybe I’ll go to an all-you-can-eat buffet for dinner tonight. Maybe my mom will stop using hypoallergenic shampoo. Maybe Miss Klute will lose ten pounds and get a bikini. Maybe Mr. Macky will put his cereal in a bowl instead of carrying it around in his pockets. Maybe the teachers will stop using money for toilet paper. Maybe aliens will use their laser cannons to save the fuzzy little bunny from falling into the Grand Canyon. Maybe Miss Klute will stop stealing hot dogs from kids’ lunch trays. Maybe somebody will cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster to make a cockerpoodledoo. Maybe we can talk Mr. Macky into letting us take Miss Klute outside for recess again.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Photo credit Howard Wolf

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors and artists.

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  Credits

  Cover art © 2014 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRDER SCHOOL #11: MISS KLUTE IS A HOOT! Text copyright © 2014 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2014 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

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  Library of Congress Control Number: 2013032817

  ISBN 978-0-06-219844-0 (pbk. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-219845-7 (lib. bdg.)

  EPub Edition April 2014 ISBN 9780062198464

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  *We’re not even allowed to read out loud loud. If I read out loud too loud, Mr. Granite holds up his hand and makes a peace sign, which means “shut up.”

  *Hey, that would make a good book title!

  *Cupcakes have the perfect name because they’re cakes in cups. If you ask me, doughnuts should be nuts in dough.

  *Send your angry emails to: [email protected].

  *I knew that I was responsible, because when I’m home and something goes wrong, my mom always says, “A.J., you’re responsible!”

  *Hey, that would make a good book title, too!