Miss Laney Is Zany! Read online

  “Great idea!” said Miss Laney.

  I didn’t like where this was going. Miss Laney would probably make me play Romeo. Andrea was sure to be Juliet. And then the guys would make fun of me and say I love Andrea.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “Is there gonna be kissing in this play?”

  “No,” Miss Laney assured me. “In fact, Romeo and Juliet is a very violent story. At the end Juliet stabs herself and dies.”

  “Andrea should play Juliet,” I said.

  “Arlo, that’s mean!” Andrea said.

  “And Romeo drinks poison and dies,” Mr. Granite added.

  “Well, Andrea should play him too,” I suggested.

  “You can’t have the same person play Romeo and Juliet!” Emily said.

  “We have to hold auditions,” Miss Laney said. “That will make it fair.”

  She dumped out her laundry bag and made us put on weird clothes with puffy shoulders that nobody in their right mind would ever wear. At least I got a sword, which was cool. Then Miss Laney passed out scripts and made us each read a line out loud.

  “Good night, Good night!” Michael said. “Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”

  “What’s in a name?” said Emily. “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

  “See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!” said Neil the nude kid. “O that I were a glove upon that hand, That I might touch that cheek!”

  After we all read a few lines, Miss Laney made her decision.

  “Andrea will be Juliet, and A.J. will be Romeo,” she announced.

  I knew it!

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are going to be Romeo and Juliet. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  Miss Laney gave out the rest of the parts, and then we had to start rehearsing.

  “O Romeo, Romeo!” Andrea said. “Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

  “I’m right here, dumbhead,” I replied.

  “That’s not the line, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.

  We practiced the play for a long time when suddenly, guess who walked into the room?

  It was Mr. Klutz!

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mr. Klutz?” asked Miss Laney.

  “Did you get a million bucks to save the school?” asked Michael.

  “No,” Mr. Klutz replied, “it looks like we missed the boat.”

  What boat? Why is everybody always talking about boats?!

  “Do you have more bad news for us?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “Yes,” Mr. Klutz said sadly. “I’m very sorry to tell you this, but Miss Laney…you’re fired.”

  “WHAT?!”

  Everybody freaked out. Andrea collapsed on the floor and started sobbing.

  “O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day!” she said. “Never was seen so black a day as this. O woeful day!”

  10

  A Surprise Assembly

  We couldn’t believe it! Miss Laney had just been hired, and now she was fired! It took us about a week to get over the shock.

  Teachers were getting fired left and right that week. Mrs. Yonkers, the computer teacher, was the next to go. Then Ms. Coco, the gifted and talented teacher, got fired a few days later. Even our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, lost her job. It was depressing saying good-bye to them all.

  We were in class when Mrs. Patty announced that everybody had to go to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly. When we got there, Mr. Klutz was up on the stage. He looked serious. Nobody was cracking jokes.

  “I just wanted to say how proud I am of you kids,” he told us. “You’ve been working very hard to raise money to save the school. But it wasn’t enough. I’m very sad to tell you that today is my last day at Ella Mentry School. I just got fired.”

  “NO!” we all shouted.

  Mr. Klutz couldn’t be fired! How can you have a school with no principal? Everybody was freaking out.

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Mrs. Patty came running into the all-purpose room.

  “Turn on the TV!” she shouted. “Turn on the TV!”

  We hardly ever get to watch TV at school. The custodian, Miss Lazar, wheeled a big TV on the stage and turned it on.

  “Welcome back to Win Money or Eat Bugs! I’m your host, Dickie Blinkbarker!”

  The studio audience cheered.

  “That’s my favorite show!” I yelled.

  The TV camera pulled back. There was a lady sitting in a chair. She had dark hair. I leaned forward to see the TV better. The lady was…

  Miss Laney!

  “Miss Laney’s on TV!” we all started shrieking. “Miss Laney’s on TV!”

  Everybody was yelling and screaming and freaking out.

  “Okay! Miss Laney won ten thousand dollars in round one,” said Dickie Blinkbarker, “and she didn’t have to eat a single bug.”

  “Yay!” we all shouted.

  “I hear you’re a speech teacher, Miss Laney, and you love game shows.”

  “Yes, Dickie,” said Miss Laney, “and I want to say hi to all the kids at Ella Mentry School. That’s who I’m playing for today. Every dollar I win goes directly to the school.”

  She waved at the camera. We waved back at the TV screen.

  “That’s fantastic!” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “Miss Laney, you know the rules to Win Money or Eat Bugs. You can eat one bug at the start of round two and walk away with the ten thousand dollars you already won. Or you can keep going. But if you get a question wrong from now on, you’ll lose the money you won, and you’ll have to eat a whole plate full of bugs.”

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” everybody said when they showed a plate full of bugs.

  “The questions get harder in round two,” Dickie added. “So, what do you want to do?”

  “Eat the bug!” some kids yelled.

  “Keep going!” other kids yelled.

  “I’m going to keep going, Dickie,” said Miss Laney. “I want to win a million dollars.”

  “Miss Laney is gonna win enough money to save our school!” Michael shouted.

  “YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

  Mr. Klutz made the shut-up peace sign with his fingers so we could hear.

  “Okay, she’s going to risk it all!” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “Here’s your first question, Miss Laney. What is the longest word in the English language?”

  “Oh no!” I whispered to Michael. “Nobody knows that. Miss Laney’s gonna have to eat all those bugs.”

  “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,” said Miss Laney.

  “That’s right!” Dickie Blinkbarker yelled. “Hardly anybody knows that! Miss Laney, you just won fifty thousand dollars!”

  “YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

  “Next question,” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “Why are manhole covers round instead of square?”

  I had no idea why manhole covers were round. I was sure Miss Laney would get it wrong and have to eat a plate full of bugs.

  “Square manhole covers could fall into a manhole,” said Miss Laney. “Round ones can’t.”

  “That’s right!” shouted Dickie Blinkbarker. “Miss Laney, you just won one hundred thousand dollars!”

  “YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

  “She’s gonna win a million! She’s gonna win a million!”

  Everybody was jumping up and down and hugging each other. You should have been there!

  “Okay, here’s your final question, Miss Laney,” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “This would put you over the top. For one million dollars—what is the science of sound called?”

  “A cue stick!” I yelled.

  “Acoustics!” yelled Andrea. “Miss Laney is going to win a million dollars!”

  “Uh…,” said Miss Laney.

  “Acoustics!” everybody screamed as if
Miss Laney could hear us through the TV.

  “Uh…uh…”

  “She doesn’t remember!” I groaned, slapping my head.

  “Uh…uh…uh…”

  “She’s got brain freeze!” groaned Ryan.

  “Gee!” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “I never heard of a speech teacher who was speechless!”

  “I know the answer,” said Miss Laney frantically. “It’s on the tip of my tongue.”

  BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

  “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!” everybody groaned.

  “I’m soooooo sorry, Miss Laney,” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “The correct answer is ‘acoustics.’ Speaking of the tip of your tongue, bring out the bugs!”

  11

  Ugh, Disgusting!

  We all watched the TV. Some lady wearing a bathing suit came out carrying a plate. The camera zoomed in for a close-up, and you could see all these disgusting bugs slithering around on it. I thought I was gonna throw up.

  This had to be the saddest day in the history of the world. Miss Laney didn’t win a million dollars. She didn’t save the school. And now she would have to eat a plate full of bugs. Some of the first graders were crying.

  “Eat bugs! Eat bugs!” the studio audience chanted.

  “Before you eat the bugs,” said Dickie Blinkbarker, “is there anything you’d like to say to the folks out there in TV land, Miss Laney?”

  “Yes, there is, Dickie,” Miss Laney said. She turned to face the camera, and it moved in for a close-up.

  Hey kids! Do you have trouble saying the letter S? When you say the word ‘lion,’ does it come out like ‘wion’? Do you stutter or lisp? Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Millions of kids just like you have the same problem. But you’re in luck! With the help of Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper, you’ll be able to say hard words like ‘February.’ Words like ‘refrigerator,’ ‘nuclear,’ and ‘duct tape.’ You’ll be able to say EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! In a few short weeks, you’ll be talking perfectly. It’s simply amazing! But it’s not available in stores. Go to www.misslaneyiszany.com and order now. Miss Laney’s Amazing Zany Brainy No Painy Speech Fixer Upper is only $19.99. But wait, there’s more!

  Miss Laney did her whole infomercial on national TV!

  “I’m going to go check Miss Laney’s website!” Mrs. Patty yelled. She ran to the front office, which is next to the all-purpose room.

  On TV, Miss Laney finished her infomercial. Then she picked up a spider and ate it.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “Orders are pouring in like crazy!” Mrs. Patty shouted from the front office.

  On TV, Miss Laney ate an ant.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “So far there are twenty thousand dollars’ worth of orders!” shouted Mrs.

  Patty.

  On TV, Miss Laney ate some flies.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “Fifty thousand dollars in orders so far!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

  On TV, Miss Laney ate a beetle.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “It’s up to a hundred thousand dollars!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

  On TV, Miss Laney ate a worm.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “A half a million dollars!” shouted Mrs. Patty.

  On TV, Miss Laney ate a cockroach.

  “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” we all screamed.

  “A million dollars!” shouted Mrs. Patty. “She sold a million dollars’ worth of her speech program!”

  “That means Ella Mentry School can stay open!” I hollered. “Miss Laney saved the school!”

  Everybody was yelling and screaming and jumping up and down and going crazy. On TV, Miss Laney finished all the bugs on the plate.

  “You’ve been a good sport, Miss Laney,” said Dickie Blinkbarker. “Even though you didn’t win, here’s a check for a thousand dollars just for playing Win Money or Eat Bugs.”

  “Thank you, Dickie,” said Miss Laney.

  “But we’re not done yet!” Dickie said. “You can keep the money, or you can have what’s behind the curtain!”

  The lady in the bathing suit stood in front of the curtain.

  “Take the money!” some kids shouted.

  “Pick the curtain!” other kids shouted.

  “I’ll take what’s behind the curtain, Dickie,” said Miss Laney.

  “Okay, let’s see what she won!” said Dickie Blinkbarker.

  The curtain opened, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was behind it.

  I’m not gonna tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  It was a boat!

  Dickie Blinkbarker and Miss Laney climbed into the boat and pretended to row it even though there wasn’t any water.

  “We’re on a boat!” they said.

  It was hilarious.

  So, to make a long story short, our school doesn’t have to close after all. Maybe all the teachers who got fired will get their jobs back. Maybe Mr. Granite will get his desk and whiteboard back. Maybe they’ll put back the salad bar and the monkey bars. Maybe Miss Laney will get a regular office instead of a bathroom. Maybe it will have a pool table in it so she can get some good cue sticks. Maybe Miss Laney will give us a ride in her new boat. Maybe Mr. Klutz will grow some hair. Maybe I can go to speech class every day. Maybe I’ll figure out why everybody is always talking about boats for no reason.

  But it won’t be easy!

  Acknowledgments

  Thanks to Nicole Abbatemarco,

  Naomi Gerstenblith, Janet Goodman,

  Chris Horwitz, Helen Pires

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2010 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #8: MISS LANEY IS ZANY!. Text copyright © 2010 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 978-0-06-155417-9 (lib. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-155415-5 (pbk.)

  EPub Edition © December 2009 ISBN: 978-0-06-196665-1

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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  * But not like when a machine is buzzing. If people made buzzing noises like machines, it would be weird.

  * That is, if somebody actually dropped a pin. But who carries pins around with them anyway? That would be a weird thing to do. Unless you really like to sew stuff, I guess.

  * It was the top hat that she put on her head. It would be weird to put a desk drawer on your head.

  * Isn’t “thought” one of those words that sounds weirder the more you say it? What’s up with that?

  * Well, her hair wasn’t in the mirror. It was on her head. If her hair was in the mirror, it would be weird.

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Contents

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher