Ms. Sue Has No Clue! Read online

  “Huh? What?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  Ms. Sue grabbed a roll of duct tape and announced that for a dollar anyone could buy a piece and use it to tape Mr. Klutz to the wall.

  “That sounds like fun,” said Ryan.

  “Let’s do it!” said Michael.

  “I always wanted to duct tape Mr. Klutz to a wall,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “Uh, okay, I guess,” said Mr. Klutz.

  Duct taping the principal to a wall sounded like a weird idea to me. But a whole bunch of people lined up to buy a piece of duct tape. One by one, they put their tape on Mr. Klutz and attached him to the wall of the school.

  Soon he was almost completely covered with duct tape. All you could see were Mr. Klutz’s mouth and his bald head popping out over the top. He couldn’t move. It looked like a turtle was taped to the wall. I had to admit, it was pretty hilarious.

  “Now throw Nerf balls at him!” shouted Ms. Sue. “Fifty cents per throw!”

  We threw Nerf balls at Mr. Klutz until none of us had any money left.

  “We raised another three hundred dollars!” announced Ms. Sue. She put the money into the money box and raised the line on the giant thermometer.

  But we still didn’t have five thousand dollars. We were seven hundred dollars short. People put away their wallets and started packing up their stuff to go home.

  “Wait!” Ms. Sue shouted into the bullhorn. “I have an announcement to make!”

  Everybody stopped what they were doing. I looked at Ms. Sue. Alexia looked at Ms. Sue. Mr. Klutz, who was duct taped to the wall, looked at Ms. Sue. Everybody was looking at Ms. Sue. You could hear a pin drop.

  Well, not really, because nobody brought any pins with them.

  Ms. Sue reached into her purse and pulled out her checkbook.

  “I’m writing a personal check for seven hundred dollars,” she said.

  “What?!” said Mr. Klutz. “You’re going to donate your own money?”

  “No,” Ms. Sue replied. “The money will come out of my daughter Alexia’s college fund.”

  WHAT?!

  “Gasp!” everybody gasped.

  “Mom!” yelled Alexia.

  Ms. Sue wrote out a check and went over to give it to Mr. Klutz, who was still duct taped to the wall.

  “Don’t do it, Mom!” shouted Alexia. “I want to go to college someday!”

  “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to raid Alexia’s college fund,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “The new playground equipment will be enjoyed by hundreds of students,” said Ms. Sue. “The college fund was only for one.”

  “But she’s your daughter!” shouted Mr. Klutz.

  “College isn’t for everybody,” said Ms. Sue.

  “Your mom is weird,” I whispered to Alexia.

  “I told you she goes overboard,” Alexia whispered back.

  “She falls out of boats a lot?” I asked.

  “No! I already told you! She gets carried away.”

  Ms. Sue wanted to put the check in Mr. Klutz’s pocket, but he was covered with duct tape. So she tried to stick it in his mouth.

  “No! I refuse to accept that check,” said Mr. Klutz, closing his lips so she couldn’t put the check in his mouth. “We don’t need the playground equipment.”

  “Please!” Ms. Sue begged, trying to pry his mouth open with her fingers so she could put the check in it. “Take my daughter’s college fund! Don’t you care about children?”

  Mr. Klutz refused to open his mouth.

  Well, that was that. We weren’t going to reach five thousand dollars. That meant no playground equipment. No night in jail for Mr. Klutz.

  Finally, Ms. Sue gave up trying to stick the check in Mr. Klutz’s mouth. She ripped it into little pieces. Then she fell to her knees and began to cry. It was really sad. Alexia went over to give her a hug.

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  But I’m not going to tell you what it was.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  9

  A Surprise Visitor

  At that moment, a long, black limousine pulled up to the playground. Everybody stopped to look at it. The door opened. A guy got out.

  “Mayor Hubble!” everybody shouted.

  Yes, it was Mayor Hubble. He used to be the mayor of our town. But then he got caught stealing money from people and had to go to jail.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”* asked Mr. Klutz, who was still duct taped to the wall. “I thought you were in jail.”

  “I got time off for good behavior,” said Mayor Hubble.

  Then he reached into his limo and brought out a giant piece of cardboard. It must have been the size of a surfboard.

  “WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “I’d like to make a small donation to the carnival,” Mayor Hubble announced. He handed the giant check to Ms. Sue. She looked like she was going to faint.

  “You’re giving us . . . a thousand dollars?” Ms. Sue said. “I . . . I don’t know how to thank you, Mayor.”

  “No need to thank me,” said Mayor Hubble. “I feel that it is very important to support our schools, and blah blah blah community blah blah blah children blah blah blah blah blah blah America . . . blah blah blah . . .”

  He went on like that for a while. Everybody was crying with joy and taking pictures of Ms. Sue holding the big check. Mayor Hubble went through the crowd passing out buttons and bumper stickers, shaking hands, making peace signs, and kissing babies.

  “Hooray for Mayor Hubble!” everybody started shouting. “Mayor Hubble saved the carnival!”

  “How do you think he fit that check in his wallet?” I whispered to Ryan.

  “He must have a really big wallet,” Ryan whispered back.*

  10

  Say It Ain’t So!

  Because of Ms. Sue and Mayor Hubble, the Ella Mentry School carnival was a big success. All together, we raised five thousand three hundred dollars. That would be more than enough to buy new playground equipment.

  The parent volunteers started cleaning up and taking down the booths. People started heading for their cars. That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  A police car pulled up.

  Two policemen got out. They went over to Mr. Klutz, who was still duct taped to the wall.

  “Mr. Klutz,” said one of the policemen, “you’re under arrest. We’re taking you to jail.”

  The other policeman cut the duct tape with a knife so Mr. Klutz could get off the wall.

  “Oh yes!” Mr. Klutz said, laughing. “I almost forgot. I promised that I would spend a night in jail if we raised five thousand dollars. Well, good-bye, everybody. I’ll see you bright and early on Monday.”

  “Monday?” said the first policeman as he slapped a pair of handcuffs on Mr. Klutz. “Don’t count on it, buster. You’re going away for a long time. We got an anonymous tip that you stole money from the school carnival.”

  “Gasp!” everybody gasped.

  “What are you talking about?” asked Mr. Klutz. “I didn’t steal any money. It’s all right there in the money box. Go ahead. Open it.”

  Ms. Sue brought over the money box.

  “How much money is in that box, ma’am?” asked the second policeman. “Count it just to make sure.”

  Ms. Sue opened the money box.

  “It’s . . . empty!” she shouted.

  “Empty?”

  “Empty?!”

  “Empty!”

  In case you were wondering, everybody was saying “Empty.”

  “What happened to all the money?” somebody hollered.

  “I don’t have a clue!” shouted Ms. Sue.

  “Okay, where’s the money, Klutz?” asked the first policeman as he searched Mr. Klutz’s pockets. “Where did you hide it?”

 
“B-but . . . but . . . ,” stammered Mr. Klutz.

  Me and the gang started giggling because Mr. Klutz kept saying “but,” which sounds just like “butt” even though it only has one t.

  “You have the right to remain silent,” said the second policeman. “Anything you say will be used against you and blah blah blah blah.”

  “How could you do it, Mr. Klutz?” one of the parents shouted. “We trusted you!”

  “Say it ain’t so, Mr. Klutz!” shouted one of the kids.

  “You should be ashamed of yourself,” shouted Ms. Sue. “Stealing money from children. You’re a disgrace!”

  “But I didn’t do it!” Mr. Klutz protested as the cops pushed him into the backseat of the police car. “How could I have stolen the money? I was duct taped to the wall! The kids were throwing Nerf balls at me!”

  “Tell it to the judge, Klutz,” the first policeman said as he slammed the door shut.

  “We’re sending him away to the big house for a long time,” said the second policeman as he got into the front seat.

  The police car drove away.

  “It must be nice to live in a big house,” I said after they left.

  “The big house means jail, dumbhead!” said Andrea, rolling her eyes.

  I was going to tell Andrea that her face should be put in jail. But I didn’t get the chance, because that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  Somebody bumped into me. It was Mayor Hubble. He was walking really fast toward his limousine. After he bumped me, I turned around and looked at him.

  There were dollar bills sticking out of his pockets!

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.

  “It’s Mayor Hubble!” I shouted. “He stole the money!”

  “Get him!” somebody yelled.

  Mayor Hubble started to run. He knocked over the giant thermometer. When it fell, it landed on the jar of gum balls and cracked it open!

  A million hundred gum balls went rolling all over!

  People were tripping over the gum balls.

  Ms. Sue landed in a box full of goldfish!

  Something poked a hole in the Moon Bounce, and it started deflating!

  Dr. Moo got loose and rammed into the dunk tank! Water was pouring all over the place!

  Everybody was freaking out!

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.

  “The ponies have escaped!” somebody shouted.

  “I stepped on a toad!” yelled somebody else.

  “Everyone remain calm!” hollered Ms. Sue.

  While all this was happening, Mayor Hubble jumped into his limo.

  “Floor it!” he yelled to his driver as he slammed the door shut behind him. The limo tore out of there with the tires squealing.

  “Stop him!”

  “So long, suckers!” Mayor Hubble shouted out the window.

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened at the school carnival. I might have added a few things just so you wouldn’t get bored. It looks like we’re not going to get new playground equipment after all. Maybe next year one of the other parents will be in charge of fund-raising. Maybe the police will let Mr. Klutz go and catch Mayor Hubble before he escapes with all the money. Maybe I’ll sell my sister’s American Girl doll collection. Maybe people will stop talking about boats all the time. Maybe the next book will be Miss Mitsy Is Ditsy! Maybe my dad will stop trimming his ear hair and kissing toads. Maybe we’ll get personal robots to carry our backpacks. Maybe we’ll get a zip line for the playground. Maybe Mr. Tony will get some goats to put on people’s lawns. Maybe I’ll win another goldfish. Maybe Dr. Moo will drop another cow pie in the playground. Maybe Ms. Sue will find somebody to take Alexia’s college fund.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author

  Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  About the Illustrator

  Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

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  Credits

  Cover art © 2013 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  My Weirder School #9: Ms. Sue Has No Clue!

  Text copyright © 2013 by Dan Gutman

  Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Jim Paillot

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  * * *

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Gutman, Dan.

  Ms. Sue has no clue! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot. — First edition.

  pages cm. — (My weirder school ; #9)

  Summary: “Alexia’s mom, Ms. Sue, leads the kids of Ella Mentry School in the weirdest fund-raiser in the history of the world!”— Provided by publisher.

  ISBN 978-0-06-219839-6 (hardback) — ISBN 978-0-06-219838-9 (pbk. bdg.)

  EPUB Edition SEPTEMBER 2013 ISBN 9780062198402

  [1. Fund raising—Fiction. 2. Carnivals—Fiction. 3. Schools—Fiction. 4. Humorous stories.]

  I. Paillot, Jim, ill. II. Title.

  PZ7.G9846Mws 2013

  2013021850

  [Fic]—dc23

  CIP

  AC

  * * *

  13 14 15 16 17 CG/OPM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  FIRST EDITION

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  * Where else would you wear a hat?

  * Well, not really. If there had been electricity in the air, we all would have been electrocuted.

  * Go to YouTube and search for “Monty Python dead parrot sketch.”

  * What are you looking down here for? The chapter is finished! Read the next one!

  * That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”

  * One more chapter to go. Isn’t this exciting?

 

 

 
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