My Weirder-est School #1 Read online

  “Why do you have a beard today, Mrs. Roopy?” Ryan asked.

  “Who’s Mrs. Roopy?” said Mrs. Roopy. “I’m Galileo, the famous sixteenth-century scientist.”

  “Wait,” I said. “You only have one name?”

  “No,” said Galileo. “Galileo is just my first name.”

  “So what’s your last name?” asked Andrea.

  “Galilei,” said Galileo.

  “Your first name is Galileo and your last name is Galilei?” asked Michael.

  “That’s right,” said Galileo Galilei. “It sounded so nice, my parents made it my name twice. I’m surprised you never heard of me. I discovered the moons of Jupiter and the rings of Saturn with my early telescope. I was the first person to see craters on the moon. I’m from Italy.”

  “I like pizza,” said Ryan.

  “Everybody likes pizza,” said Galileo. “Hey, I hear you’re going to have a science fair next week.”

  “Yes,” said Andrea. “Each of us has to make a science project.”

  “Well, you came to the right place,” said Galileo. “There are lots of books in the media center filled with fun science projects for kids.”

  Galileo passed out a bunch of books for us to look over.

  “Oh, cool!” said Neil. “It says here that you can build a catapult with just a plastic spoon, some rubber bands, and Popsicle sticks. It shoots marshmallows!”

  “That would make a great project for the science fair,” said Galileo. “You know, science is all about asking ‘why’ questions. Why is the sky blue? Why do fish swim and birds fly? Can any of you think of a why question?”

  “Yeah,” I said, “why do we have to do a science project?”

  Galileo passed out.

  I mean, he passed out pencils and papers so we could take notes and draw pictures for our science projects.

  “I’m going to build a pasta rocket,” said Ryan. “It uses uncooked pasta, mouthwash, and yeast for fuel.”

  “I’m going to build a fizz inflator,” said Michael. “I just need to put baking soda and vinegar in a soda bottle and attach a balloon to the end to inflate it. The reaction makes carbon dioxide to inflate the balloon.”

  “I’m going to build an exploding lunch bag,” said Alexia. “You just take a Ziploc freezer bag and fill it with warm water, baking soda, and vinegar.”

  “I’m going to build a flying drone,” I said.

  Drones are cool. I always wanted to have my own drone.

  I was drawing a picture of my drone when I got another great idea. I could attach some Porky’s Pork Sausages to the bottom of my drone so it could deliver sausages by air. Then you wouldn’t have to go to the supermarket when you’re in the mood for a pork sausage. It was genius!*

  “What are you going to make for your science project, Andrea?” asked Emily.

  Andrea was covering her worksheet with her hands so nobody could see it.

  “I’m working on a secret science project,” she said mysteriously.

  “Oooh, what is it?” Emily asked.

  “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret,” Andrea replied.

  Andrea will do anything to win the grand prize at the science fair. She’s afraid that one of us is going to try and steal her idea. What is her problem?

  We were all drawing pictures and making lists of materials we were going to need for our science projects. And you’ll never believe who walked through the door at that moment.

  Nobody! You can’t walk through a door. Doors are made of wood. But you’ll never believe who walked through the doorway.

  It was the Snowman! He was holding a machine that looked like a leaf blower.

  “Dr. Snow!” said Galileo. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”

  That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see what projects the students were planning for the science fair,” the Snowman replied. “But first, take a look at my new invention.”

  He pulled a rope, and the engine on the leaf blower roared to life. It was loud! A blast of air shot out the end.

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “That’s a cool leaf blower, Dr. Snow,” said Andrea.

  “Oh, it’s not a leaf blower,” said the Snowman. “I call it the Birthday Blower. It’s a machine for blowing out birthday candles. You know how it’s hard to blow out that last candle on your birthday cake? If you have a Birthday Blower, it blows the candles out for you!”

  “That is cool,” I said, even though I didn’t think it was all that cool.

  The Snowman walked around the class and looked at what each of us was planning for the science fair. Neil described his rubber band–powered catapult that shoots marshmallows.

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted the Snowman.

  Ryan described his pasta rocket.

  “Excellent!” shouted the Snowman.

  Alexia described her exploding Ziploc lunch bag.

  “Perfect!” shouted the Snowman.

  Michael described his fizz inflator.

  “Fascinating!” shouted the Snowman.

  I described my remote-controlled flying sausage delivery drone.

  “Genius!” shouted the Snowman.

  The Snowman loved all our science fair projects. Well, except for Andrea’s secret project, of course. She wouldn’t let him see what she was working on.

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted the Snowman, rubbing his hands together. “This is going to be the greatest science fair in the history of science fairs!”

  We spent the next week making our projects. My mom and dad helped me build my remote-controlled flying sausage delivery drone. It was the coolest. It had to be cooler than the secret lame project Andrea was working on.

  Finally, it was the day of the science fair. When I got to school, there was electricity in the air.

  Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would all get electrocuted.

  But all our parents and teachers were there. Galileo was there. The owner of Porky’s Pork Sausages, Peter Porky, was there. And of course, Mrs. Ella Mentry was there. She was walking with crutches because she’d hurt her leg in the Great Egg Drop Challenge. The walls of the gym were covered with science posters and banners.

  Before the opening ceremony, we got to walk around and look at all the science projects. One girl made a periscope out of a milk carton. Some boy made a hoverboard. Somebody else made fossils out of bread and gummy bears.

  A fifth grader used a lemon to make electricity. A fourth grader made a fountain out of soda and Mentos. Somebody made a rotten egg stink bomb. It was cool.

  There were solar ovens, weather stations, balloon rockets, levitating magnets, exploding toothpaste, and glow-in-the-dark slime. Kids had created projects using Jell-O, paper airplanes, Silly Putty, invisible ink, Play-Doh, lava lamps, and walkie-talkies.

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” the Snowman said as he walked around the gym. “I love it!”

  Andrea’s project was a big secret, but now she had to show everybody what it was. She pulled a sheet off the table, and you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what she had under there.

  It was a volcano!

  “I made it out of papier-mâché,” Andrea announced. “When it erupts, lava will shoot out of it.”

  Oh, man! Why didn’t I think of that? Andrea was sure to win the grand prize with an erupting volcano. She always wins everything. Why can’t a volcano erupt on Andrea’s head?

  Everybody in the gym was buzzing. Well, not really. We’re not bees. Mr. Klutz stepped up to the microphone and made the shut-up peace sign with his fingers. Everybody stopped talking.

  “Welcome to the Ella Mentry School science fair,” Mr. Klutz announced. “Blah blah blah blah young future scientists blah blah blah blah unlock the secrets of the universe blah blah blah blah thank Dr. Snow for organizing blah blah blah blah our special guest, Mrs. Ella Mentry, blah blah blah blah . . .”

  He went
on like that for a million hundred minutes. What a snoozefest. Finally, he stopped talking.

  “Let the science fair begin!” announced the Snowman. “A.J., start things off! Andrea, you can warm up your volcano now.”

  “Sure thing!” we said.

  I flipped the switch on the remote control. The rotors on my drone started to spin. The drone rose up in the air over everyone’s head.

  “What a great idea!” said Peter Porky. “This could be a good way to deliver Porky’s Pork Sausages.”

  Red-hot lava started to bubble up at the top of Andrea’s volcano.

  “Ooooo! Ahhhh!” everybody oooed and ahhhed.

  “Neil, show us how your catapult works,” said the Snowman.

  Neil put a marshmallow on the spoon and pulled the spoon back. Then he let go, and the marshmallow went flying.

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Neil’s marshmallow hit one of the rotors on my drone. The drone started spinning and flying crazily.

  “Watch out!” somebody yelled.

  My drone swooped down and knocked over Michael’s fizz inflator!

  The fizz inflator fell on top of Alexia’s exploding lunch bag! It exploded!

  That set off Ryan’s pasta rocket, which flew up and knocked out another one of the rotors on my drone! The drone was zooming all over the place! People were diving for cover!

  “It’s out of control!” shouted Andrea.

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.

  “Call 911!” somebody shouted.

  That’s when something even weirder happened.

  “I love it!” shouted the Snowman, rubbing his hands together. “It’s all going according to plan! Bwahahaha! I’m going to take over the world! Bwahahaha!”*

  “See, I told you he was crazy!” I said to Andrea.

  “I knew he would show his true colors!” said Alexia.

  My drone was hovering right above Andrea’s volcano.

  “Release the sausages, A.J.!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “Your drone is too heavy! It’s going to crash and hurt somebody!”

  I flipped the switch that made the Porky’s Pork Sausages slide off the bottom of my drone.

  The sausages dropped right into the middle of Andrea’s volcano!

  “Oh no!” shouted Andrea. “Arlo, you ruined my science project!”

  “The volcano is full of dangerous chemicals!” shouted Andrea’s father.

  “It’s gonna blow!” somebody yelled.

  The next thing we knew, six pork sausages came flying out of the volcano! One of them hit Ella Mentry, and she fell down.

  “I’m being attacked with food again!” she yelled. “Owww! My leg!”

  One of the flying sausages was about to hit Mr. Klutz on the head, but he dived out of the way and crashed into our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee! The two of them fell on a table, and the table collapsed under their weight!

  Everybody was yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out!

  “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted the Snowman. “It’s all part of my master plan. I will rule the world! Bwahahaha! Nothing can stop me! Bwahahaha!”

  I heard a siren outside.

  “Uh-oh,” said the Snowman as he headed for the door. “I must escape to my secret lab and conduct evil experiments.”

  “Not so fast, buster!” shouted Mrs. Mentry.

  She stuck out one of her crutches and tripped the Snowman with it. Galileo tackled him and wrestled him to the ground.

  “Let me go!” shouted the Snowman. “I must take over the world!”

  “Hold that man!” shouted Mrs. Mentry. “First he attacked me with eggs and now pork sausages. That’s the last straw!”

  Why is she always talking about straws? You’d think that the school would just buy extra straws so we wouldn’t be running out of them all the time.

  At that moment, the outside doors opened and four guys wearing white coats came running in.

  “Who’s in charge here?” one of them shouted.

  Our principal and vice principal were unconscious under the table they fell on.

  “I’m in charge!” said Mrs. Mentry. “My name is Ella Mentry. The school is named after me.”

  “We got a report that some mad scientist was trying to take over the world,” the guy in the white coat said.

  “Here’s your man,” Mrs. Mentry said, pointing at the Snowman. “Take him away, boys.”

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened. We never did find out who won the science fair. The men in white coats carried the Snowman out to an ambulance and drove away. When it was all over, Mrs. Mentry recovered and donated a million dollars to build the Ella Mentry Hospital for Frizzy-Haired Mad Scientists Who Rub Their Hands Together and Want to Take Over the World.

  Maybe next year, we’ll have a plain old fair with cotton candy, rides, and stuffed animals. Maybe we’ll throw eggs off the roof of the school again. Maybe a meteorite will crash through the window and knock over Mr. Cooper. Maybe we’ll get some dolphins in the all-porpoise room. Maybe the Snowman will stick his head to the wall. Maybe Ella Mentry will be attacked by flying food again and demand to get her money back. Maybe grown-ups will stop saying “now now” and “there there.” Maybe Michael will invent antigravity underwear.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

  Copyright

  MY WEIRDER-EST SCHOOL #1: DR. SNOW HAS GOT TO GO! Text copyright © 2019 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2019 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  Cover art © 2019 by Jim Paillot

  * * *

  Digital Edition JANUARY 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-269103-3

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269101-9 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-269102-6 (library bdg.)

  * * *

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  FIRST EDITION

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  * In case you were wondering, everybody was shouting that I said the L word.

  * He did not. Benjamin Franklin died over 150 years before we had calculators.

  * I wish there were dolphins in the all-purpose room. It would be like SeaWorld! But the all-purpose room is just a big room with a bunch of chairs and a stage.

  * Using nuclear power would be even cooler, but it’s hard to fit a nuclear reactor on a skateboard.

  * That means I was wearing pants. It would be weird to climb the steps at school with no pants on.

  * My mom told me that too many eggs are bad for your health. Now I see she was right.

  * If you’re ever really desperate, just make a sad puppy dog face. Even grown-ups do it. It works every time.

  * Maybe doing a project with Porky’s Pork Sausages would help me win the grand prize and make Andrea lose.

  * Any time somebody says “Bwahahaha” while they’re laughing, you know they’re crazy. Normal people never say “Bwahahaha.” That’s the first rule of being normal.