Oh, Valentine, We've Lost Our Minds! Read online

  * * *

  Boy, it’s good that she didn’t adore earwax. That would have been weird.

  FACT:

  —Do you know those little candy hearts that have words on them? They were first made in 1866 by Daniel Chase. His brother Oliver started the NECCO company, and they make a hundred thousand pounds of Sweethearts every day. It is the bestselling Valentine’s Day candy.

  FACT:

  —In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, British children would go from one house to the next on Valentine’s Day, singing songs and asking for treats.

  * * *

  Hey, I think I’m gonna try that this year.

  FACT:

  —On the island nation of Tyrania, people celebrate Valentine’s Day by waving chickens over their heads while singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.”

  * * *

  Okay, that doesn’t happen. And there is no nation named Tyrania. But it would be cool.

  FACT:

  —If you mix up the letters in VALENTINE’S DAY, you can spell EAT MY BOOGERS TODAY. Okay, that’s not true. But you can spell SALTED NAY VINE, DEAL NASTY VEIN, INVADE SLAY TEN, and NAILED ANY VETS.

  FACT:

  —Kissing is gross, but people do a lot of it on Valentine’s Day. The longest kiss in the history of the world took place on Valentine’s Day in 2013, when Ekkachai and Laksana Tiranarat from Thailand kissed for 58 hours, 35 minutes, and 58 seconds.

  * * *

  Ugh. I think I’m gonna throw up.

  FACT:

  —Here’s some other stuff that happened on February 14: Arizona became the forty-eighth state. The League of Women Voters was formed. Penicillin was discovered. Benjamin Franklin invented toothpaste.

  * * *

  Okay, not that last one.

  I could tell you a lot more cool stuff about Valentine’s Day, but I have to go make some microwave popcorn. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  —Professor A.J. (the prime minister of awesomeness)

  FUN GAMES AND WEIRD WORD PUZZLES

  LATE TO THE VALENTINE’S DATE

  Directions: Help Andrea navigate this heart-shaped maze to get to Pierre, who’s waiting for her at the I Scream Shop!

  VALENTINE’S WORD HUNT

  Directions: Can you find all ten Valentine’s Day words hidden in this messy jumble of letters?

  A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

  Directions: Each of the words or phrases in the list below matches one of the words in the circle. See if you can pair them up!

  1. Cupid’s →

  2. Red →

  3. Candy →

  4. Be →

  5. Xs and →

  6. Violets are →

  7. Best →

  8. Secret →

  SECRET VALENTINE’S MESSAGES

  Directions: Use this secret code to swap in letters below and help A.J. solve these Valentine’s Day mysteries!

  Who is Pierre’s secret valentine?

  What French dish consists of cooked snails?

  DRAW YOUR OWN MY WEIRD SCHOOL CHARACTER!

  PICTURE PERFECT

  Directions: These two covers are almost a picture-perfect match. But there are a few key differences. Can you spot them? (Hint: there are ten.)

  MY WEIRDER SCHOOL TRIVIA

  There’s no way in a million hundred years you’ll get all these answers right. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you! Hint: The answers all come from the My Weirder School series.

  Q: WHAT DOES ALEXIA’S BLACK T-SHIRT SAY?

  A: Led Zeppelin

  Q: HOW MANY MUSCLES DO ELEPHANTS HAVE IN THEIR TRUNKS?

  A: More than 40,000!

  Q: WHAT IS MR. HARRISON’S NICKNAME?

  A: Fritz (His first name is George.)

  Q: WHO DUG THE HOLE IN THE BASEMENT OF ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL?

  A: Digger the squirrel!

  Q: WHAT NEWSPAPER DOES MRS. LILLY WORK FOR?

  A: The News Tribune Bulletin Inquirer

  Q: WHAT DOES MR. DOCKER DO WHEN HE’S NOT WORKING?

  A: He goes running with his wife.

  Q: WHAT IS THE T WORD THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY AROUND MAYOR HUBBLE?

  A: Taxes

  Q: WHAT DOES MR. BURKE USE TO MAKE A BUSH SCULPTURE?

  A: A chain saw

  Q: WHAT DOES MS. BEARD, THE DIRECTOR, CALL EVERYONE SHE MEETS?

  A: Chickie baby

  Q: WHAT REALITY SHOW IS FILMING AT ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL?

  A: The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry

  Q: WHAT STUDENT OFFICE DOES A.J. RUN FOR?

  A: Class president

  Q: WHO MODERATES THE ELECTION DEBATE BETWEEN A.J. AND ANDREA?

  A: Mrs. Roopy, the librarian

  Q: ACCORDING TO MR. KLUTZ, WHAT DOES BOGS STAND FOR?

  A: Behave or Get Suspended

  Q: WHAT IS MISS KRAFT’S MAGICIAN NAME?

  A: The Great Kraftini

  Q: WHERE DOES A.J. SAY FREEDOM OF SPEECH COMES FROM?

  A: Your mouth

  Q: WHO INVENTED THE FIRST TOILET BOWL YOU COULD FLUSH?

  A: John Harrington, in 1596

  Q: WHAT DO PEOPLE CALL ALEXIA’S MOM, MS. SUE?

  A: Queen of Cupcakes

  Q: WHO STEALS THE MONEY FROM THE FUND-RAISING CARNIVAL?

  A: Mayor Hubble

  Q: WHAT DOES MR. JACK DRIVE?

  A: A big, black motorcycle

  Q: WHAT DOES ANDREA DO TO THE BEAR THAT INVADES ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL?

  A: She karate chops it!

  ANSWER KEY

  LATE TO THE VALENTINE’S DATE

  VALENTINE’S WORD HUNT

  A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

  1. Cupid’s → ARROW

  2. Red → ROSES

  3. Candy → HEARTS

  4. Be → MINE

  5. Xs and → Os

  6. Violets are → BLUE

  7. Best → FRIENDS

  8. Secret → ADMIRER

  SECRET VALENTINE’S MESSAGES

  Who is Pierre’s secret valentine?

  A L E X I A

  What French dish consists of cooked snails?

  E S C A R G O T

  PICTURE PERFECT

  THE WORLD OF DAN GUTMAN CHECKLIST

  Back Ad

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Photo credit Howard Wolf

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Credits

  Cover art © 2014 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  My Weird School Special: Oh, Valentine, We’ve Lost Our Minds!

  Text copyright © 2014 by Dan Gutman

  Illustrations copyright © 2014 by Jim Paillot

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  * * *

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Gutman, Dan.

  Oh, Valentine, we’ve lost our minds! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot. — First edition.

  pages cm — (My weird school special)

  Summary: “Prepare for weirdness when Ella Mentry School gets a French foreign exchange student just in time for Valentine’s Day!”— Provided by publisher.

  ISBN 978-0-06-228403-7 (pbk. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-228404-4 (lib. bdg.)
r />   EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2014 ISBN: 9780062284051

  [1. Schools—Fiction. 2. Foreign study—Fiction. 3. Valentine’s Day—Fiction. 4. Teachers—Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Title.

  PZ7.G9846Oh 2014

  2014013834

  [Fic]—dc23

  CIP

  AC

  * * *

  14 15 16 17 18 CG/RRDC 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  FIRST EDITION

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  * If you roll your eyes too much, they roll right out of your head. That’s a fact.

  * www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLnYLVP5fi0

  * The lunch bell in my school sounds just like the word “bring.” Nobody knows why.

  * Clog dancing is a kind of dancing that plumbers do.

  * People are always running out of straws. I don’t see why they don’t just buy an extra box of straws when they go shopping.

  * Sheesh, do I have to show you everything? www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y17YCir0Ki8