Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! Read online

  “Today,” she said, “we’re going to learn about the history of the toilet bowl.”

  WHAT?!

  “Toilet bowls have a history?” asked Ryan.

  “Of course!” said Dr. Nicholas. “Everything has a history.”

  “Toilet bowls are disgusting,” said Emily, wrinkling up her nose.

  “I thought history was all about wars,” said Andrea, “and the great men and women who changed the world.”

  “History is about everything that came before us and made the world what it is today,” said Dr. Nicholas. “And that includes toilet bowls. Did you ever hear the story of Tom Crapper?”

  Everybody laughed because Dr. Nicholas said the word “crapper.” My mom told me that’s a bad word that I should never say to anybody.

  “Wait a minute!” Neil said, jumping out of his seat. “Are you going to tell us that the guy who invented the toilet bowl was named Crapper?”

  “No,” said Dr. Nicholas. “Simple toilet bowls have been around for many centuries. The first toilet you could flush was invented back in 1596 by a man named John Harrington.”

  So the toilet bowl was invented by a guy named John. That made sense.

  “What did Tom Crapper do then?” asked Michael.

  Everybody laughed because Michael said the word “crapper” again. It’s impossible to say the word “crapper” without laughing. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “Tom Crapper was born in 1836, in England,” Dr. Nicholas told us. “His father was a steamboat captain. When Tom was fourteen, he went to work for a plumber in London. By the time he was twenty-five, he owned his own plumbing shop. Back in those days, people didn’t even talk about toilets, and only very rich people owned one.”

  “What did everybody else use?” asked Ryan.

  “Often they used a hole in the ground,” said Dr. Nicholas.

  “Gross!” everybody shouted.

  “During the 1880s, Tom Crapper improved on the flushing toilet bowl,” said Dr. Nicholas. “He also opened up a shop and sold toilet bowls to the public. For the first time, regular people could go to the store and buy a toilet bowl. And the rest is indoor plumbing history.”*

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Today, of course, we all have toilet bowls in our own homes,” said Dr. Nicholas, “and we owe it all to Tom Crapper.”

  I jumped up from my seat.

  “Hooray for Tom Crapper!” I shouted. “Crapper! Crapper! Crapper!”

  I figured everybody was going to jump up from their seats and start chanting “Crapper!” with me.

  I looked around. Nobody else was standing. Nobody else was chanting. Everybody was looking at me.

  I hate when that happens. I sat back down in my seat.

  “I still say toilet bowls are disgusting,” said Emily.

  “You know what’s even more disgusting than toilet bowls?” asked Dr. Nicholas.

  “What?” we all asked.

  “No toilet bowls!” she said. “Imagine how the world would be different if we didn’t have toilet bowls.”

  “We would probably still be using a hole in the ground,” said Neil the nude kid.

  Dr. Nicholas told us lots more cool stuff about the history of toilet bowls. The girls were grossed out, but the boys all thought it was hilarious. Just about anything to do with toilet bowls is hilarious.

  That’s when the door opened. Mr. Granite came back in. I couldn’t believe a half hour had gone by so fast.

  “I guess our history lesson is over,” said Dr. Nicholas.

  “Yay!” shouted all the girls.

  “Boo!” shouted all the boys.

  “We want to learn more about the history of toilet bowls!” said Ryan.

  “Yeah, toilet bowls are cool,” said Michael.

  “Who invented toilet paper, Dr. Nicholas?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “We can discuss that another time,” she said as she left the room.

  Mr. Granite told us to open our math books, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Tom Crapper and his toilet bowl. That’s when I came up with the funniest joke in the history of the world.

  Do you know what Tom Crapper used to draw his first toilet bowl?

  A number two pencil!

  Get it?

  No wonder I’m in the gifted and talented program. I should get the No Bell Prize for that one.*

  6

  Our Second History Lesson

  My name is A.J. and I love history.

  History is cool. I had no idea that you could learn about the history of the toilet bowl and stuff.

  The next day, right after we finished pledging the allegiance, Dr. Nicholas came into our classroom again.

  “It’s time for another history lesson,” said Mr. Granite.

  “Yay!” shouted all the boys.

  “Boo!” shouted all the girls.

  Mr. Granite went to the teachers’ lounge and said he’d be back in a half an hour.

  “What are we going to learn about today?” I asked Dr. Nicholas. “The history of the urinal?”

  “Can we learn about the history of snot?” asked Michael. “I’ve always wondered where it came from.”

  “It comes from your nose, dumbhead,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “Will you teach us about the history of farting?” I asked. “I bet that’s really interesting.”

  We also suggested that Dr. Nicholas teach us about the history of burping, maggots, snakes, and barf.

  “You boys are gross!” said Andrea. “I don’t think I like history anymore.”

  “Me neither,” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says.

  “That’s too bad,” said Dr. Nicholas, “because today we’re going to learn about the history of . . . Barbie!”

  WHAT?!

  Barbie?! I didn’t want to learn about the history of Barbie. Barbie is for girls.

  “I love Barbie!” Andrea shouted, all excited.

  “Me too!” said Emily. “Barbie has a history?”

  “Oh yes!” said Dr. Nicholas. “Everything has a history. It all started in a California garage back in the 1940s. . . .” Me and the guys covered our ears and made humming noises so we wouldn’t have to hear about the history of Barbie. But it didn’t work. I still heard every word.

  “. . . Back in those days, Ruth and Elliot Handler owned a company called Mattel that made picture frames,” said Dr. Nicholas.

  “Isn’t Mattel a toy company?” asked Alexia.

  “It wasn’t back then,” said Dr. Nicholas. “But they used the extra scraps of wood to make doll furniture. Soon they discovered that they were making more money from the doll furniture than the picture frames. So they switched to making toys.”

  “That’s interesting!” said Andrea.

  “Tell us more!” said Emily.

  I thought I was gonna die.

  “Back then,” Dr. Nicholas went on, “most dolls were baby dolls. But Ruth and Elliot Handler went on a trip to Switzerland, and one day they saw an adult doll called Lilli in a store. They brought one home for their daughter. And do you know what their daughter’s nickname was?”

  “Dumbhead Ugly Face?” I guessed.

  “You are so immature, Arlo!” said Andrea. “I bet their daughter’s nickname was Barbie.”

  “That’s right!” said Dr. Nicholas. “So in 1959, Ruth and Elliot decided to make the first Barbie doll. It was eleven and a half inches tall, and it sold for three dollars. It became the most popular doll in the world. Two years later, they came out with Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken, and he was named after their son.”

  Dr. Nicholas went on and on talking about the history of Barbie. I thought the half an hour would never end. I kept looking at the clock and waiting for Mr. Granite to come back from the teachers’ lounge.

  “Are Ruth and Elliot Handler still alive?” asked Andrea.

  “No,” said Dr. Nicholas. “Ruth passed awa
y in 2002, and Elliot died in 2011. But Barbie lives on. Mattel has sold more than a billion Barbie dolls, and every three seconds another one is sold.”

  “History is interesting!” said Little Miss Perfect.

  I hate history.

  “Oh, I almost forgot,” Dr. Nicholas said. “After a few years, Elliot decided that he wanted a toy for boys. So he came up with the idea of real-looking little metal cars. And in 1968, Hot Wheels was born.”

  WHAT?! The same people who invented Barbie also invented Hot Wheels?!

  “Tell us about the history of Hot Wheels!” said Ryan.

  “Yeah!” shouted all the boys.

  “Well, it all started back in—”

  Dr. Nicholas didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence, because Mr. Granite came back from the teachers’ lounge.

  “I’m afraid we’re out of time,” Dr. Nicholas said. “We’ll learn more about history tomorrow.”

  “Yay!” everybody shouted.

  “I’m really glad we’re learning all about history,” said Andrea. “But we need to prepare for the big test.”

  “Yeah, if we don’t do better on the test next week, the school will be closed,” said Alexia.

  “Don’t worry about that silly test,” said Dr. Nicholas. “It will be a piece of cake.”

  More cake?

  Maybe they were going to give us a test with all the questions written in the icing of a cake. At Ryan’s birthday party last year, there was a cake with a photo of Ryan’s face on it. I got to eat Ryan’s eyeball. It was cool.

  All that talk about cake was getting me hungry. That was good, because it was time for lunch.

  7

  The Truth About Dr. Nicholas

  We have lunch in the vomitorium. It used to be called the cafetorium until some kid threw up in there last year. It was gross.

  I sat with the guys and Alexia. Then Andrea and Emily came over, and we had to squeeze together to make room for them.

  Michael had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Alexia had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Neil the nude kid had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just about everybody had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

  Everybody except me. I had a piece of cake. I held it up for everybody to see.

  “Now this is a piece of cake!” I told them.

  Naturally, we all started talking about Dr. Nicholas and how weird she was.

  “If she’s a real doctor,” I said, “she should cure sick people. That’s what doctors do.”

  “Maybe she cured sick people in history,” said Neil.

  “She’s the weirdest history teacher in history,” Ryan said.

  “Yeah,” Michael said. “I bet nobody else teaches the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls.”

  “Maybe she’s not a real history teacher at all,” I said. “Did you ever think about that?”

  “What do you mean, A.J.?” asked Alexia.

  “Well, maybe Dr. Nicholas kidnapped our real history teacher,” I said.

  “Old ladies don’t kidnap people,” Neil said.

  “Old ladies don’t jump rope either,” I told him. “Dr. Nicholas probably kidnapped our real history teacher and sent her back in time with a time machine.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

  “I’m scared!” said Emily.

  “Yeah, right now our real history teacher is probably being tortured in a castle during the 13th century. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

  “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily, and then she went running out of the vomitorium.

  I slapped my head. Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.

  After Emily left, Andrea was sitting there with her worried face on.

  “What’s the matter with you?” I asked. “Did you lose your encyclopedia?”

  “No, I’m worried about our school,” Andrea told me. “In just two days, we have to take that test again. Mr. Klutz said the school will close if we don’t do better. But we’re not going to do very well if we only learn about the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls.”

  I realized Andrea was right for once in her life. Learning about the history of toilet bowls and Barbie dolls was cool, but it wouldn’t help us on the test. And if we failed again, Ella Mentry School would be shut down forever. Then we’d have to go to Dirk School, which is a school for dorks on the other side of town.

  “What are we going to do?” asked Alexia.

  “Beats me,” said Neil the nude kid.

  Neil looked at me. I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Andrea. Andrea looked at Neil. Everybody was looking at each other.

  We were in trouble.

  8

  The Study Buddies

  “We should form a study group!”

  I couldn’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth.

  But it made sense. We all knew what was going to be on the test. If we learned the answers together, we’d get them all right, and we could save our school.

  “Let’s have the study group at my house after school this afternoon!” said Andrea. “We can call ourselves the Study Buddies!”

  Ugh! One time, I had to put on a jacket and tie and go to Andrea’s house for her birthday party. I was so bored that I started throwing snails into the garbage can and hit Emily in the head with one. But I agreed to go over to Andrea’s house again to save our school.

  “Mom,” I said when I got home, “can you drive me over to Andrea’s house?”

  “What?!” my mother shouted. “You always say you don’t like Andrea. Why do you want to go over to her house?”

  “We’re having a study group.”

  “WHAT?!” My mom rushed over and put her hand on my forehead. Moms are always putting their hands on your forehead. Nobody knows why. “Are you feeling okay, A.J.? You always say you hate studying! Maybe you’re coming down with something. You need to rest in bed.”

  “No!” I told her. “I need to get to Andrea’s house right away! It’s very important!”

  My mom drove me over to Andrea’s house.

  “Hi Arlo!” Andrea said when she opened the door. “You’re the first one here. Come on in. Let’s go to my room.”

  My mom went to the kitchen to make chitchat with Andrea’s mom. Andrea took me upstairs to her room. It was the weirdest place in the history of the world. There were books and encyclopedias and Barbies and all kinds of pink stuff everywhere. I thought I was gonna die.

  Luckily, the doorbell rang. It was Ryan and Michael. Andrea and I ran downstairs to let them in.

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. got to Andrea’s house first. They must be in love!”

  “When are you two Study Buddies gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  Soon the others showed up, and we went to Andrea’s basement. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was down there.

  A classroom!

  There was a big whiteboard on the wall, and desks, encyclopedias, posters, and a computer. There was even a flag, so Andrea could pledge the allegiance at home.

  Who has a classroom in their basement? What is Andrea’s problem?

  We all took seats. Andrea went up to the whiteboard and wrote HISTORY IS FUN! on it.

  “I’d like to call this meeting of the Study Buddies to order,” she said. “Who can tell me the name of the first president?”

  “Wait a minute,” I shouted, “you’re not a teacher!”

  “But I know all the answers for the test, Arlo,” Andrea said. “Do you?”

  “Sure I do,” I told her.

  “Oh, yeah?” Andrea said. “Who was the first president?”

  “Abraham Lincoln,” I said. “So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.”

  Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  “It was George Washington, dumbhead,” Neil whispered to me.

&nb
sp; “I knew that,” I lied.

  Bummer in the summer! I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

  We went over all the questions that were on the test, and I found out that I got a few of them wrong the first time. I learned that we fought England in the Revolutionary War. Not the Galactic Empire. I learned that if the president dies, the vice president becomes president. Not Chuck Norris. I learned that Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. Not Bob Lightbulb.

  After a million hundred hours of studying, you’ll never believe who poked her head into the basement door.

  Nobody! If you poked your head into a door, it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who poked her head into the doorway.

  It was Andrea’s mom! She looks just like Andrea but with wrinkles. She was with my mom. And they had a big plate full of chocolate chip cookies!

  “You kids are working very hard,” Andrea’s mom told us. “You could be home playing video games and having fun. But here you are learning about history.”

  “I’m so proud of you!” said my mom.

  She was just about to cry, so I was allowed to eat five cookies. Soon the other parents showed up to take everybody home. We had learned all kinds of history stuff that we didn’t know before.

  I was ready to kick butt on the big test.*

  9

  The Time Boat

  When we got to school the next morning, there was a sign on our classroom door. . . .

  GO TO THE SCIENCE ROOM

  Hmmm, that was weird.

  We went to the science room, which is all the way at the other end of the school. And you’ll never guess in a million hundred guesses what was in the middle of the science room.

  Wrong. It was a boat!

  WHAT?!

  A giant rowboat was in the middle of the room! It was the weirdest thing in the history of the world! Mrs. Yonkers, our computer teacher, was in the science room too, along with Mr. Docker and Dr. Nicholas.

  “Where did you get a boat?” I asked.

  “From Rent-A-Boat,” said Dr. Nicholas. “You can rent anything. But this isn’t just any old boat. It’s a time boat.”