Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! Read online

Page 3


  “What’s a time boat?” asked Andrea.

  “A time boat is a boat that travels through time,” said Mr. Docker. “Mrs. Yonkers and I invented a time machine, with the help of Dr. Nicholas of course.”

  “Are we going to travel through time?” asked Alexia.

  “Yes!” said Dr. Nicholas. “I figured the best way for you children to learn history would be to go there and see it for yourself.”

  “Yay!” we all shouted.

  Traveling through time is the coolest. I saw a movie once about a guy who traveled back in time. When he got there, he killed his mother by accident. So he was never born. That movie was weird.

  “Wait a minute,” said Michael. “Why do we need a boat? Why didn’t you just build a time machine out of a phone booth or a car?”

  “Because the whole class can’t fit inside a phone booth or a car,” said Mrs. Yonkers.

  “Hop in!” said Dr. Nicholas.

  We all climbed into the time boat. I sat in the front with the guys and Alexia. Andrea and Emily sat in the back.

  “Where are we going?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “You will be traveling back to the year 1776,” said Dr. Nicholas. She was fiddling with a bunch of knobs on the control panel of the time boat.

  “Are you coming with us?” asked Ryan.

  “Oh no,” said Dr. Nicholas. “There’s no room for grown-ups in the time boat.”

  “Do we need to paddle or anything?” asked Michael.

  “No. Just hold on tight!”

  “Aye, aye, Captain!” I said.

  It was exciting. The closest I ever came to traveling through time was when my family went to a restaurant called Medieval Times. They had these guys on horses charging at each other with spears while we ate chicken. That place was weird.

  “I’m scared!” said Emily, who is scared of everything.

  “Don’t be afraid,” said Dr. Nicholas. “You have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “Beats me,” said Ryan.

  “On your mark,” yelled all the grown-ups, “get set . . . GO!”

  Suddenly, the lights went out. It was so dark, I couldn’t see my own hand in front of my face. Then there was a buzzing sound, and the time boat began to rumble and shake. There was electricity in the air.

  Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would all die.

  “Help!” yelled all the girls. Everybody was freaking out.

  We were going back in time! I held on to the side of the time boat. There were flashing yellow lights and strange noises. It went on for a long time.

  And then, suddenly, everything stopped.

  A spotlight fell on a lady who was sitting on a chair next to the time boat. She was dressed in old-time clothes, and she was sewing stars onto a flag. She looked a lot like our librarian, Mrs. Roopy.

  “Who are you?” asked Andrea.

  “I’m Betsy Ross,” the lady replied.

  “Wow!” I said. “My mom loves your song ‘Stop! In The Name Of Love.’”

  “That’s Diana Ross, dumbhead!” said Ryan.

  “You look a lot like Mrs. Roopy,” said Neil.

  “Never heard of her,” said the lady who called herself Betsy Ross.

  “What are you doing?” asked Emily.

  “What does it look like?” Betsy Ross said. “I’m making an American flag.”

  “Why don’t you just go to a store and buy a flag?” I asked her.

  “They don’t sell American flags in stores here in 1776,” Betsy Ross told us. “I’m making the first one. You see, we colonists are sick and tired of British rule. So we’re starting a revolution.”

  Betsy Ross told us all about the Revolutionary War. But suddenly, while she was talking, the lights went out. The time boat started shaking and rumbling. There were bright lights flashing. Everybody was freaking out again.

  And then the lights went back on. We were back in the science room with Dr. Nicholas and Mrs. Yonkers.

  “That was cool!” I said. “We got to see Diana Ross, live and in person!”

  “It was almost like a ride at an amusement park,” said Neil.

  “Do you think we really traveled through time?” asked Ryan.

  “I don’t know,” said Michael. “That lady seemed pretty real.”

  “Can we do it again?” asked Andrea.

  “Sure,” said Dr. Nicholas as she went over to the control panel. “This time you’re going to go back to the year 1920.”

  Dr. Nicholas fiddled with the knobs. The lights went out, the time boat started shaking, and the next thing we knew, there was a guy standing next to us. He looked a lot like Mr. Docker, and he was holding a bowl of peanuts.

  “Who are you?” we asked.

  “My name is George Washington Carver,” he replied. “I’m an inventor.”

  “You look a lot like Mr. Docker,” I told him. “With a wig.”

  “Never heard of him,” the guy said. “I was born a slave, but I grew up to become one of the most famous scientists in the world. I took peanuts and made them into peanut butter, paper, ink, oils, and over three hundred other products.”

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  George Washington Carver told us all about peanuts and even let us eat some. That guy was nutty for peanuts! Then the lights started flashing again, the time boat started shaking, and we were back in the science room.

  After that we got to go back in time to meet Susan B. Anthony (who looked a lot like Miss Small, our gym teacher), Thomas Edison (who looked a lot like Mr. Macky, our reading specialist), and Grandma Moses (who looked a lot like Dr. Nicholas). It was the greatest day of my life. You should have been there!

  “That was cool!” we all said when the lights went back on.

  “I’m glad you enjoyed the time boat,” Dr. Nicholas told us. “But you’ll have to get out now and let the other classes take their turns.”

  We were about to climb out of the time boat when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  Somebody screamed!

  Well, that’s not the weird part, because people scream all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

  “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

  It was Andrea.

  “What’s the matter?” we all asked.

  “Emily’s not here!” shouted Andrea. “She was sitting right next to me in the time boat!”

  “Where’s Emily?”

  “Where’s Emily?”

  “Where’s Emily?”

  In case you were wondering, everybody was shouting, “Where’s Emily?”

  Emily was gone!

  10

  An Emergency

  “Emily!”

  “Emily!”

  “Emily!”

  “I’m sure she’s around here somewhere,” said Dr. Nicholas.

  We looked under all the desks in the science room for Emily, but we couldn’t find her anywhere.

  “Maybe she got scared by all the lights and noise,” I said. “She probably ran away. She does that all the time.”

  “With all that shaking,” Ryan said, “she might have fallen out of the time boat.”

  “They should really put seat belts on time boats,” I suggested.

  “If Emily fell out of the time boat,” said Alexia, “she could be in another time!”

  “I think we may have left her back in 1776 with Betsy Ross!” shouted Andrea. “That was the last time I saw her. She’ll be stuck in 1776 forever!”

  Andrea started crying. The grown-ups tried to calm her down, but it was no use. Andrea was freaking out.

  “There, there,” said Dr. Nicholas as she patted Andrea on the back.

  People always say, “There, there,” and pat you on the back when they want you to calm down. They don’t say, “There.” It has to be “There, there.” What’s up with that? Why should I feel better just because somebody said the word “there” twi
ce and patted me on the back?

  “Emily is my best friend!” Andrea wailed. “Now she’s stuck in 1776 for the rest of her life, and I’ll never see her again!”

  I don’t even like Emily, but I was getting a little choked up myself.

  “She might get shot by British soldiers,” said Ryan.

  “Or she might help George Washington cross the Delaware,” said Neil the nude kid.

  That’s when I got a genius idea.

  “Hey,” I said, “why don’t we just get back in the time boat, go to 1776, and look for Emily?”

  “Yeah!” everybody shouted.

  “That’s a great idea, A.J.!” said Dr. Nicholas.

  No wonder I’m in the gifted and talented program.

  We were climbing back into the time boat when you’ll never believe who walked into the science room.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  It was Emily!

  “Emily!” we all screamed.

  Everybody ran over to Emily and started hugging her.

  “What’s the big deal?” Emily said. “Why is everyone shouting and yelling?”

  “Where were you?” Andrea asked. “We were so worried! We thought that we left you in 1776, and you would be stuck there for the rest of your life!”

  “I wasn’t in 1776,” Emily explained. “I was in the bathroom.”

  Oh.

  “Why didn’t you just wait until we got out of the time boat?” Andrea asked her.

  “It was an emergency,” Emily whispered. “I had a number two.”

  “But why did you go to the bathroom?” I asked. “We have plenty of pencils right here.”

  Emily is weird.*

  11

  Good-bye

  The next day we had to take the history test again. Everybody was nervous. If we scored high, our school would stay open. But if we scored low, our school would shut down, and we would have to go to Dirk School on the other side of town. We were all on pins and needles.

  Well, not really. We were sitting on chairs. Why would anybody want to sit on pins and needles? That would hurt.

  Before the test we had to go to the all-purpose room. Mr. Klutz, Mr. Docker, Mrs. Yonkers, and some of the other teachers were up on the stage. But not Dr. Nicholas.

  “Where’s Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Michael.

  “Where’s Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Andrea.

  “Where’s Dr. Nicholas?” whispered Emily.

  In case you were wondering, everybody was whispering, “Where’s Dr. Nicholas?”

  Mr. Klutz made the shut-up peace sign with his fingers, and we all stopped whispering to each other. He wasn’t smiling like he usually is. He looked really sad.

  “I wanted to let you students know that I just fired Dr. Nicholas,” he said.

  WHAT?! Everybody gasped.

  We liked Dr. Nicholas. This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week!

  “Why did you fire Dr. Nicholas?” we all shouted.

  “I found out she was wasting valuable classroom time to teach you about silly things like the history of Barbie dolls and the history of toilet bowls,” said Mr. Klutz. “As a result, you are not prepared for the big test, and you may very well fail it. Ella Mentry School may close its doors forever.”

  Everybody was moaning, sobbing, and wiping their eyes with tissues.

  “I just wanted you to know that it has been a pleasure being your principal,” said Mr. Klutz, “and I just wanted to say good-bye.”

  It was really sad. We walked back to our classroom without saying a word. When Mr. Granite passed out the test papers and asked us if we all had our number two pencils, nobody even giggled or cracked a joke about number two.

  “When I say Go, turn over your test papers,” said Mr. Granite. “Ready . . . set . . . GO!”

  I turned over my test paper and looked at the first few questions. . . .

  1. Who invented Barbie?

  2. What did Tom Crapper do?

  Well, you probably know what happened after that. We did great on the test. We scored so high that Mr. Klutz threw us a big party. And do you know what I had to eat at the party?

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  NO, IT WASN’T CAKE!

  You thought I was going to say a piece of cake, didn’t you? But there was no cake at all. Why is everybody always talking about cake?

  We had cookies and Jell-O and pie at the party! I ate so much that I thought I was gonna throw up. It was the greatest day of my life.

  Maybe Dr. Nicholas will get hired again to teach us more history. Maybe a meteor will destroy the earth, and we won’t have to take tests anymore. Maybe they’ll come up with a different number for pencils. Maybe the Pilgrims will go to Home Depot. Maybe Chuck Norris will run for president. Maybe we’ll go scuba diving in the all-purpose room. Maybe Dr. Nicholas will get off Oprah. Maybe the dinosaurs will return, and we can ride them to school. Maybe we’ll find out who invented toilet paper. Maybe we’ll get another ride in the time boat. Maybe we’ll get to try some paper made out of peanuts. Maybe Emily will get lost in time for real. Maybe we’ll learn how to say the word “crapper” without giggling. Maybe people will stop talking about cake all the time.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Authors

  Photo by Howard Wolf

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors and artists.

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  Credits

  Cover art © 2013 by Jim Paillot

  Copyright

  MY WEIRDER SCHOOL #8: DR. NICHOLAS IS RIDICULOUS! Text copyright © 2013 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  * * *

  ISBN 978-0-06-204219-4 (lib. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-204218-7 (pbk.)

  Epub Edition April 2013 ISBN 9780062042200

  * * *

  13 14 15 16 17 CG/OPM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  FIRST EDITION

  About the Publisher

  Australia

  HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

  Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street

  Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia

  http://www.harpercollins.com.au

  Canada

  HarperCollins Canada

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  http://www.harpercollins.ca

  New Zealand

  HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited

  P.O. Box 1

  Auckland, New Zealand

  http://www.harpercollins.co.nz

  United Kingdom

  HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

  77-85 Fulham Palace Road

  London, W6 8JB, UK

  http://www.harpercollins.co.uk

  United States

  HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

  10 East 53rd Street

  New York, NY 10022

  http://www.harpercollins.com

  *Hey, if that happened, we wo
uldn’t have to take any more tests!

  *Hey, where’s Dr. Nicholas? I thought this book was supposed to be about Dr. Nicholas. I want my money back!

  *What’s up with that? Buns are for putting your burger on, not for putting on the back of your head.

  *I dare you to stand up right now, wherever you are, and shout, “Hooray for indoor plumbing!”

  *That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.

  *Grown-ups get mad when you say “butt.” Nobody knows why.

  *The underside of a horse’s hoof is called a frog. This has nothing to do with the story, but I thought you might like to know.

 

 

 


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